Disgusted, fed up and finally realizing I am depressed!

[Guest guest]

Hi all:

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am in a depression.

Now that scares me worse than pancreatitis. I had a major

depression about 12 years ago and it was the worst thing I have ever

been through. In the middle of all that was when I got sick with

the pancreatitis. I think having to fight to stay alive with

pancreatitis is what brought me out of some of the depression.

Tonight my husband gave me some money and told me to go and get

something " pretty " to wear for Easter and he also made an

appointment to have our Husky Scarlet groomed and " prettied up " as

he called it. He told me he wanted " his girls " to look pretty for

Easter. That is the sweetest thing and at that moment it hit me

that I was in a depression because I could care less about

getting " pretty " or buying anything or doing anything for that

matter! I just want to sit down and give up and quit!

I am probably just whining but I am at my wits end. Not to mention

I too got another E-mail from this " Dave " person. I finally have

just blocked him. I don't think for one minute he has pancreatitis

or anything else. I also think all the bad grammar and spelling is

fake because he has posted on this board and spelling and grammar

were fine.

I have to go in two days to have blood drawn which has me in a

tizzy. I have drank so much water my legs are swelling. Its either

from the water or the pain shots. Sometimes when I have to use too

many pain shots, for some reason my lower extremities swell. I wish

I knew what that was all about but they are really swollen and tight.

I am miserable, scared about the blood draw, have pain management

problems I told you all about, there is an idiot in the group

telling me I am an alcoholic (I have never drank in my life, the

only alcohol I have ever even tasted is communion wine and Nyquil!)

Hows that for naive? I am to the point I feel like I don't even

want to exist! I am usually not like this but I tell you I don't

think I can take much more. Its not the pain as much as it is the

mental stuff! You would think after all the years with this stuff,

it would be like " water on a ducks back " just ignore it, but it is

building up and I don't have any place else to vent. My poor

husband who has always been supportive doesn't need this. He is the

one in the family that everybody expects to be strong and I wonder

sometimes when he is going to " crack. "

I am trying to find something positive today but I can't find much.

I will say I did take one step in that I made an appointment with an

acupuncturist. I spoke at length to her on the phone and she has

three other patients who have chronic pancreatitis although she did

tell me she none had been in the hospital as much as I had. Also

she knew what sphincter of Oddi dysfunction was so that is a plus I

guess. I can't get into see her unti the first week in April but I

am going to try. I did tell her about the last hospitalization due

to eating red meat and she said she was surprised no doctor had ever

told me that red meat is a definite trigger for pancreatitis! Never

heard that. Have any of you? I had to find out the hard way. I

will do aything to keep from having to go to the hospital or

doctor. The vein problem now is pretty close to surpassing the

problem with the pancreas. It is a nightmare.

It is very hard to even type this note because I just want to cry

and cry. When my hubby gave me the money and made the comment

about " his girls " it just opened the flood gates. It is just he and

I and our Husky baby Scarlet and we are " his girls " . To those of

you who have pets you know what I mean and if you have ever owned a

Husky it is almost like a child because they " talk " to you and are

very very expressive. She has huge blue eyes and pretty much rules

the roost. I also am blue-eyed and the hubby also calls us his blue-

eyed babies. That usually makes me smile but now I just want to

cry!

As positive as I have tried to be, I just don't think I can do it

anymore. There is just nothing left. All these years of this and

now its back to square one with the docs and the pain meds and the

stereotypes of being alcoholic/drug addicted/neurotic etc., idiots

who get themselves into this group and pull stunts like this Dave

person. He doesn't know the damage he is doing or doesn't care.

I hope somehow I can get out of this depression/funk etc or I don't

know what is going to happen. I have appointment to get a hair cut

tomorrow and I don't even think I can put myself in the car and

drive.

What am I going to do?

Kaye

[Guest guest]

Kaye,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I am keeping you in my

thoughts and prayers. This is a debilitating disease in every since of the word.

IT destroys us physically and emotionally. I cannot offer much but I can offer

a cyber hug and many prayers! I do wish you were closer. Wouldn't it be nice

where if we could meet as a group and really get to know each other and be

there closer when we need a hug and a friend to listen.

Take care,

Angie in SC

" The happiest of people don't necessarily have the

best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along

their way. "