Fw: The Stance

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

This is to all the ladies out there. It is so hard being a woman!!!!!!!

Thoughts and prayers to all.

I will write soon about what is going on with me.

T. (Ohio)

'THE STANCE'

TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper

and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the

seat. Finally, she'd instruct, " Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. "

And she'd demonstrate " The Stance, " which consisted of balancing over the toilet

in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact

with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go

home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is

excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When

you have to " go " in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you

think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait

and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling

politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors.

Every one is occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving

the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang

your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume " The Stance. "

Relief. More relief.

Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't

taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as

your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter

scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper

dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that

you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it

in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your

purse whams you in the head. " Occupied! " you scream as you reach out for the

door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the

toilet seat.

You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with

all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet

paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother

would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never

touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, " You don't know what kind of

diseases you could get. "

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused

that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it

suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet

paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a

Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the

sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you

wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,

still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind

soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of

toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly,

" Here. You might need this. "

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom

and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. " What took you so long? "

he asks, annoyed.

This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere

who have ever had to deal with a public toilet