To

[Guest guest]

The image of you strolling along the beach being kissed by the

ocean breeze, cavorting with the dolphins........even with the

" masculine " addition to the swimsuit fear..... seems idyllic! Now

you got me envious even though summer has finely hit here and

we have the pseudo-ocean known as Lake Michigan (although it

is not the same...no dolphns, just mutant catfish.) I hope you get

good news today so you can relax at the beach. I have those

pictures of my basement greenhouse.......but they didn't show the

blooms as much as I thought they would. Although they do show

the mess and cords and clutter very well! As soon as I get my

new computer on-line (in a month or so) that has a working

CD-ROM I can email them to you. (My administrator bought me

this wonderfully new computer but didn't get me a monitor to go

with it so it is useless until the new fiscal year starts and we can

put in a new budget for the monitor. Not too smart......but that is

the way things go around here.......)

As far as my story......I know that I probably didn't wake up in the

OR....but I am fairly convinced that I was aware on some level

what was going on as far as the pain. I can remember very

clearly shouting over and over again in my head for him to stop

and when I woke in PACU I was screaming the same thing, very

very loudly. The only thing that could explain it is maybe I was

screaming for some time for real in PACU while I was not too

lucid so my memory is of that and not the OR but because I was

unable to move I thought I was still in the OR.........All I know is

that I had nightmares consistently at first and now intermittently.

The biggest thing for me now is the abandonment issues that I

have I think (well, I know). The idea of contacting the state board

is something I hadn't considered........At first I thought that the

time-frame would negate anything that I had to say but I figure I

could explain it as just now becoming aware that this will affect

me for the rest of my life. If I could write a rational, somewhat

unemotional, dignified letter, I think that it may make an impact.

At the least, it would help me maybe.....as long as it doesn't undo

any of my strides towards acceptance and putting what cannot

be changed into the past. The discouraging thing is that a

month or two after my fiasco with this surgeon she was

promoted to a dedicated chair......hopefully it is a case of being

promoted away from doing direct harm to another...that whole

promotion to the level of incompetence idea. I hear she is real

good at doing ob work....just very bad at doing gyn surgery in my

opinion....and her bedside manner is pretty awful to say the

least. She was the one who made up my whole past medical

history narrative for the discharge notes / dictation. AND when I

was in the throes of being sick from the post-op infection she

had the nerve to call my co-worker who happens to be a

physician, to ask her what my problem was (while I was on a

medical leave from work, so what she thought my co-worker

could tell her???????). The thing is, my friend told her that the

last time she saw me was at a fellow's graduation get-together

at our chairs house and that she hadn't spoken much to me

because I wasn't too well. The surgeon's response to me? Well

" no wonder you are sick......you went to a party two weeks ago! "

Unfortunately this was before HIPAA laws so I can't report her for

this very, very unprofessionaly conduct. Not that I was hiding

anything from my co-worker / friend but bad surgeon had no

business calling her up.....and during my friend's clinic hours

too! Anyways my friend was less than impressed with this

behaviour from this surgeon.........to say the least.

I am sorry that you are still feeling like crud. I remember that my

recovery went very slow too, although better than the first surgery.

The fatigue was the worst. I hate to say it but I think it took

almost a year for me to feel like I had my old energy level back.

But part of that was the lingering problem from the AP attack that

I had and no-one acknowledged or did anything about. Plus my

deep depression over " the incident " with the bad surgeon also

made things worse....plus my husband's catting around, plus my

third surgery the next January....plus my sister's death......so I had

everything going against me that year it seemed..............

And you are going through similar stuff as far as the trauma to

your body. Alot that you have gone through in such a short time.

All that physical trauma is cumulative and will take time to heal.

But if you are all " tweaked " now, you may be amazed at how you

improve by leaps and bounds! I sure hope so. I forgot about the

muscle severing aspect of the whole procedure too. Although I

have to admit, whenever I lift things now, I get a little

concerned....your story of the hernia is very vivid in my mind! I

sure hope that scars heal stronger than the original skin like they

say bones do! or else I am going to have new nightmares......of

my gut splitting open, and not from laughing! Oh yuk........

Laurie