Re Dear Sweet Fliss

[Guest guest]

I understand entirely how difficult it is to focus on other issues

when someone you so dearly love in ill. I have kept you and Jim in

my prayers, hopeing that all would come out well. I know it is not

over and done with for ya'll but having a psa of .02 is really not

that bad all things considered. He is so very fortunate to have

cuaght this when he did. I know you shutter to think what might have

happened in a few years had he not.

Do the doctors there do a treatment called 'brachytherapy " ?

Radiation therapry has made vast moves forward in the last few years

and I feel certain he will benefit from all the new found knowledge

and techiques. Please keep me posted on how things go. I was so

hoping that your absence on the MB has been because ya'll are doing

so well and are traveling to all those exotic places I dream of. I

dont doubt for one second that ya'll will be traveling again in no

time. Just please dont forget my postcards!!

I cant believe that I could possibly inpsire anyone when I cant even

so much as carry a bag of groceries. I apprecaite the thought tho as

it does make some of this seem worthwhile. I just have to accept the

facts that I am no longer going to be able to do the things I love.

I miss work terribly. I know it may sound corny but I love nursing.

I think back and if I helped one person or taught one thing to

somebody then all my education and years of working were not a total

waste of time. I breaks my heart and fills my eyes with tears to

think that I may never be able to do that again.

It also breaks my heart to see the disappointment in my childrens

eyes when I cant buy them the trinkets they want or even so much as

push my little girl on the swing. I will see old friends in the

store or something and will smile and chat, truly enjoying the

impromptu visit. They will give me there numbers and tell me to

call 'lets have lunch' but I cant. I cant commit to lunch next

tuesday for all I know I will be completely incapacitated.

I have been through a lot, thats true, but I try desperatly to put it

out of my mind. I have nightmares and nights I cant sleep for fear

of dreaming. Its not just the fearful memories of past experiences

but the fear of not knowing what will happen in the future. My sole

existence is relying on a man who is not in love with me. He loves

me yes, I am the mother of his children and for the sake of his

children he takes care of me. Such dependancy does not tend to have

a secure retirement plan. I will never be what I was before. Part

of that is good and the other part is terrifying

I'm not trying to dwell in self pity or complain and whine. I need

to face the facts and accept the reality. My life is ruined and

there is not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that.

I hope you are feeling well and that life stays peaceful for you and

Jim for the rest of your lives. Well as peaceful as you want it to

be, there may be grandchildren in your future one day. Oh and I did

so enjoy our telephone chat. It was so nice to hear your voice even

with that 'royal' English accent that I wasn't expecting from a

Manchester girl. I dont remember all that we talked about, however,

I was kind of drugged out of my gord at the time...LOL. Give my best

to Jim and the boys.

With all my love,

Chrissy