and her statement to Anyse

[Guest guest]

Hi Anyse,

To be honest with myself and the group: Yes I have

contemplated ending it all and I have my plan in place to act

when I reach that point where I know it doesn't pay to go on.

I have learned that there is life not worth living....but that is only

as I see myself...not how I would ever judge another being. I

would only use my personal beliefs in order to understand

another's pain and decision making process, never to impose

them on a person who doesn't believe as I do.

There are two distinct events in my life that are a direct result of

this illness that I will never, ever repeat and if that is the place I

am heading or enduring and I see no end to it, I will initiate my

plan, I have only a slight doubt.

However, to be honest too, the financial aspect of this hasn't

played that big of a role in my conception of hardship of the

disease. But I realize that I am lucky in some aspects in that I

have a job that I can adapt to fit my illness. I know that if this job

would disappear, I would probably feel differently.

As far as the reactions that were directed towards .....I

think that they are as individualistic and as personal as the

emotions that is going through now. I do not think that

they were platitudes or denials or shying away of the

implications. I know that if it were me, no amount of " look at what

I did or do to get through dark days " will help because when I

have sunk so low those type of reassurances are meaningless

to me. However, they are offered as the only means to show that

a person cares.

In a practical sense, what may be more effective is to offer

concrete plans of action. My times of bleakness was when I felt

helpless and hopeless. If anyone would have taken the time to

ask what I saw as the problem and what I saw as the solution,

and was able to provide steps towards that solution, I think that

would have given me a ray of hope. But then, that is just me....I

am not a hugs and kisses sort of gal and I want to get down to

the nitty gritty........ I am thinking of the practical things: like the

first time I was begging to die it was because I was in the worst

pain of my life and no-one (doctor wise) would believe me and in

fact were treating me quite rudely and finally abandoned me to

die. When I finally, after two weeks of begging for help, found the

right doctor, I learned that I was basically hours away from death.

This was when they found my abscesses from the post-op

infection. When I finally saw the good surgeon, all I told him was

to kill me, and I was perfectly serious. As I was, I didn't want to be

alive and if I ever get to that point again, I know in my head and

heart, I will feel the same way. The second time in my life was

similar.......but not exactly the same...this is when I had the

complete blockage of my pancreas and again, no one was

willing to look for the reason for the pain or offer a cure. It was

when I finally went to a completely different facilty that I found

treatment that made life worth living again. The result of these

experiences is that I became aware that no matter what a person

does to ensure survival and no matter what I do to prove that I

am worthy of help it is all fruitless and there is no way that I can

force the health care system to give me care. At that point, my

only chance is to end the suffering sooner rather than waiting for

nature to take its course, because the endpoint is the same; only

difference is a few days time. And this is true even more today. I

have tried, over and over again, to establish a reliable support

system that I can access or implement if things should ever get

to that point again...to no avail. There are no physicians that are

interested in being my security blanket, being my last hope (or

being my first hope for that matter). So I lknow that this may very

well be my only option if this disease progresses to the point

where I can no longer handle things on my own.

So, in my head and heart, I know that if either of these two events

should repeat themselves in my life and I cannot find a physician

who will treat me, I will consider my life not worth living. I know

what my limits are, both mentally and physically and take comfort

in always having a way out.

But on the other hand....these experiences have also taught me

that when a person is to that point, there can be a practical way

to get them to change his or her mind. It is because of my

experiences that I can agree with Anyse that well meaning

platitudes may not be the best response to the person in a

position of utter hopelessness. Once you get to the bottom of

things, oftentimes there is a way to " fix " the problem that has

made the person think that life is not worth living. If it is because

the person is in unbearable pain...then make the pain go away

then figure out why it is there, then offer a cure or assurance that

the pain can be reduced. I know that this may not be appropriate

for all sufferers of mental anguish and it is probably too

simplistic in its outlook but I think it may be another facet to

reasons behind suicide that our modern society may be quick to

dismiss.....

Because like Anyse says......no amount of anit-depressants can

take a mind off from a problem that keeps staring you in the face.

laurie