Surgery or not . . .

[Guest guest]

Eileen,

I was not given a choice, ecept to live or to die! So, I signed the

forms, signing my life away and knowing exactly what they were going

to do to me. I had been hospitalized 8 months by that time and it was

the " last " chance thing that they could do for me.

Quality of life? Well, after surgery, I have had to redefine what

" life " itself is and what the " qualities " of it I could pick and

choose from that would not wear me out or cost me too much energy so

that I could have some " quality time " with my family and the very few

friends who come over now to see me. You will learn that many of your

" friends " will abandon you if you become too sick to do all the

" things " that you used to do with them but no longer can due to this

illness.

Depression? Every day, the sense of loss is there and is inescapable.

Loss of friends. Loss of energy to do the things that you want to do

just to make you happy. Loss of just being able to have the freedom

to do what you want to do when you want to do it. Loss of

spontaneity. Loss of what you used to fell made you a worth person in

the world.

Pain? You never get away from it, no matter how much medication you

are given or how much you take fro the " breakthrough " pain that is

worse than the usual.

Self cure? Reinvent yourself every day! Find something to do, read,

learn, whatever that will make you happy and somewhat fulfilled (or

as fulfilled as you can get for that day or with that thing). Life

can be fulfilling if you MAKE yourself do such things that can make

you happy. Spend money if you have to to get those things that you

will need to help you along. I have musical instruments. A little

sound studio with a computer. I have an extensive art library. I have

a very nice circle of " internet " friends from all around the world,

even Russia, as I speak, read and write in Russian. Sometimes you

have to be creative. Learn your physical, psychological, and social

limits and abide by them as best as you can. Sometimes, stretch then

out more than usual at times (even though you my pay for them in

exhaustion later--believe me I do this every now and then and it

costs me days of having to rest and to take care of myself) for I

guarantee you that those moments will be fulfilling and satisfying to

your soul. I am not a religious person at all and, while this is not

in my arsenal of things to help ME out, your faith may also give you

some solace and relief in times of great distress and sorrow.

I hope that this will help you and, because I feel that this is well-

written and thought out, I will also post it to the entire group.

Take good care and the very best to you and, if you have one, your

own family as well as your extended family and friends as well.

With care,

Anyse (CA)