Sorry, another ratty day

[Guest guest]

Well, as you all know, my trip to Vegas with Sara was quite a

success. Unfortunately, all has gone rather downhill since. I am

vomiting into my " bucket, " I have a yeast infection as well as a

bacterial one (who knows where that comes from??), I had antifilactic

(sic) shock from the antibiotic, and I am sensing even more greatly

than ever the loneliness that this disease brings. I got a kind emial

from a person in another group who just asked how I was doing and I

just bawled my eyes out. I have been very sensitive to the pain of

others over the past few weeks (as well as my own), even to the point

of helping another person prepare for suicide through " Final Exit. "

Sara thinks that, for me, this is a bad thing for me to be doing as I

have had severe suicidal ideation in the past (this was in 2002 and I

am over that). Another dear friend is ready now to do the same and

she has become important to me over the past few years. It is all

just too much to bear at one time. I am so ill lately and there seems

to be no way out.

I read that Mark just gets to a 7 on the pain scale and he gets to

have treatment in an hospital. I live at an 8 and it takes so little

to throw me over to a 9 (and I go there and greater all too often)

and I get no help at all. I just have to lie here and suffer my way

through it. I am getting very tired. I have things that I want to do

to fill in my " time " and it is always interrupted with pain or some

other side effect or additional malady of my illness. It is all so

frustrating and seems to make this life so meaningless were it not

for Sara and our two children.

I am in what I call " sorrow " as the word sad is just too simple and

to superficial. I was asked by Sara if she should come home to be

with me yet this " sorrow " is one that just has to be worked through

alone and over time. It takes so long for it to just " disappear. "

Well, enough of this " pity party " for now. Yes, I am on an

antidepressant that works. Yes I am on pain medication that does the

best that it can do. I can hardly move around the house without

bumping into the walls or nearly falling every other step of the way.

So, I just stay in bed and live out another day like almost any

other. I guess a 4-day trip to Vegas is either not enough or just too

much of a reminder. I an just not sure right now.

Take care, dear friends.

Anyse (CA)