Sandy in CA

[Guest guest]

I remember talking with you prior to your mother's passing. How

strained the relationship had always been and that now that she was

ill and not going to recover you had mixed emotions about it then. I

recall our talking when she and your sister, I think, were to come

visit you and your family. How stressed out you were about that.

YOu were concerned for her because you felt that she was not doing

everything she could to treat her condition. The visit was bitter

sweet if I recall correctly.

There are always going to be things in our lives we wish we had done

differently. Had we said this or that, would things be as they are

now. Youare a good person and you are raising your own family the

best way you can. Everything that has happened to you in your life,

good and bad, have made you this person. A person you should be very

proud of.

I see nothing wrong with not letting your son know his gramdmother

died on his birthday. My father died on my 10th wedding aniversary,

suddenly he was not even ill; and I will always have these two

occasions locked in my mind as one. A child's birthday is a big

event for them, expecially in adolosence, protecting him from having

to share two such occasions is a very generous and loving act. If

your siblings dont understand that, then that is their problem.

I dont communcate with my siblings since closing my mother's estate.

I email the one in Alaska from time to time, but thats it. I am the

youngest of 7 and I have no desire to ever see any of them again.

They were horrible to me in ways you can never imagine. I learned

the hard way that just because some one may share parents they dont

necessarily share the same values.

You have concquered a lot of demons and that is impressive. I have

no regrets either, but I do think it is perfectly normal to

wonder 'what if' sometimes. If we couldn't remember and be able to

look at all the consequences that were involved, we would never be

able to grow, learn and keep a nurturing soul.

It is not my mind, or my heart, or my soul that I have lost faith

in. It is my body. I am afraid that my body has taken all that it

can and I am terrified of what might lie ahead for me this week. I

just dont think I have the physcial strength to take it and that has

me very depressed. I wish I could find the purpose in all of this.

I also believe things happen for a reason. That is what got me

through nursing school as a pregnant mother of 2 in her 30's. I

geuss God will let his plan be known soon enough.

Thanks for sharing your story. I know it was difficult for you to

write. Your husband and your son are truly blessed to have you in

their lives. AND you better tell them I said that.

Warmly,