Re: MIL's Arrrggggg! Sorry so Long

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/28/2004 1:50:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

toibox_twins@... writes:

Blah, blah, blah... This topic just bothers the heck out of me and

I'd love to hear any and all advice.

Thanks,

Toi

*****************************

Toi..

With my kids.. it's my way or the highway.

My own mother sayes I need to " discipline " my 2 year old more.. and that he

is just 2.

Truth is.. he is 2.. but also dx with Sensory Integration and shows some

serious markers in the Autism spectrum.. although extremely high functioning.

He has been eval'd by professionals and is receiving therapy.

He doesn't eat solid foods and will put NOTHING in his mouth except a bottle

nipple..... I refuse to " FORCE " stuff in his mouth and traumatize him.

My sister the almost Dr/MD.. graduates in 3 months is constantly telling me

what I should be doing... and harping on the Developmental aspects and is aware

that Noah has " issues " .

Always telling me what kind of activities I should be doing... etc.

Umm... I am 1 week from Delivery.. had a rough pregnancy... and I am just

greatful to get thru the day with Noah in a fairly good mood with minimal head

banging damage..

Finger painting can wait..

My bottom line.. and I don't care how much the grandmother loves her

grandkids.... if she can't follow YOUR rules.. then she is only on supervised

visits.

Your kids.. your rules... like it or leave it.

But Toi.. you are an experienced Mommy... how did this all work with your

older son??

K in Ft Lauderdale

mommy to:

Noah - officially a very Terrible 2 !!!

Jonah - scheduled to arrive via C Section November 4, 2004

[Guest guest]

I feel your pain!! My problem is my own mom.. my mother was the mom that

smoked ciggs and pot and drank throughout my life... I had a personal

account with the local sub shop for dinner etc. But now that she is a

grandmother apparently she has earned some special degree in motherhood.

With my oldest she over fed her all the time(still does) and now we are

beginning to battle a weight problem which she thinks I am overreacting

about and the pediatrician too... with my second child she doesnt deal with

him too much b/c he is a boy and too full of " piss and vinegar " .. she is

absolutely outraged at the idea that I am going to have another child and

even more upset that the baby will eventually go to a daycare... she thinks

I am just popping them out to pass them on to a stranger.

I have learned the hard way to just ignore her and to keep her at bay

somewhat. No matter what I do with my kids she finds some way I could do it

better or differently.. it used to really bother me but now I just laugh at

her and make jokes about it... Don't let it drive you crazy and don't let

her over feed your babies..

>

>Reply-To: OSSG-pregnant

>To: OSSG-pregnant

>Subject: MIL's Arrrggggg! Sorry so Long

>Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 17:45:01 -0000

>

[Guest guest]

Toi,

I feel for ya sweetie, its such a hard position to be in and I can relate. Has

your mil gone into one of the doc appointments the twins have had? Maybe if she

heard this info from the ped doc she would be more receptive because he is an

expert? If she is anything like my mil she will probably say that she knows

more than the doc anyway but it is worth a shot. Have you tried to speak to her

about your feelings in a genuine but direct (not forceful but just really

honest) and tell her that she is hurting your feelings by saying the things she

is saying. I mean if you gently but honestly tell her that you appreciate her

so very much but you don't feel comfortable leaving the twins with her ever if

she isn't willing to care for them in the manner that you and hubby wish, not

how she wishes. Maybe that will wake her up because I would hope that being

able to have her grandkids around her out weighs wanting to do as she pleases.

Does this make sense? I think that you and hubby just need to sit down and have

a long talk with her and honestly but gently express your feelings and I think

she will come along. Let us know how it all turns out. Good luck!

A.

MIL's Arrrggggg! Sorry so Long

Ok all you mommies, here's a question for you.

How do you personally, diplomatically deal with a mother-in-law (or

mother if you chose) who feels that because " I raised 2-3-6-22 kids

and they all turned out just fine, " should tell you what to do with

your own children and that you should just follow?

Did that question come out right, lol??? Hope so.

Anyway, my deal is that my MIL, who wasn't much of a mother to her

kids when they were young as far as I'm concerned, likes to tell us

how we should be taking care of our twins. At only 3 weeks old, she

was insisting that we start giving them cereal in their bottles.

After all, she did this with her kids and they were just fine...

yeah right. Now, I have no doubt that the main reason MIL gave her

children cereal so young was so that they would sleep longer and she

wouldn't have to deal with them as much.

This woman readily and unashamedly admits that she smoked cigarettes

and pot throughout her pregnancies so that she could keep her babies

small. She smoked continuously around them as they were growing up

and says that she doesn't think it really affects our kids, but

thankfully respects our " no smoking around our children " rule,

regardless. Now each of her children suffered from chronic ear

infections as children and my hub and one sis had ear surgery by the

time they were 3 & 4 years old. All of her kids have addictions to

tobacco (hub is a chewer, UGH), and 2 have had substance and drug

addictions. Hmmmm... funny that she wouldn't think that being

addicted to TCH at birth couldn't possibly affect them later in

life. I'm fairly certain that many of their childhood illnesses

could have been either avoided or lessened had she not smoked 2

packs a day around them.

Hub and his siblings pretty much took care of themselves and each

other when they were young and survived on canned and frozen food

and money left on the table with a note saying " gone out, order

yourselves something... " She never cooked for her family, insisting

that anything that took longer to make than it took to eat was not

worth her time. Now, I'm not knocking quick and dirty meals. Heaven

knows that since the advent of our twins, and with a very

athletically and scholastically active 13 yr old, jobs, day-to-day,

etc, quite often we have to make quick meals from kits and, on

occasion, do take out. I know this is just the way of life for many

families these days but I personally choose to make healthy meals

for my fam as often as I can and feel it is best for all of us.

Sheesh... what am I trying to say here?

What this all leads to is that so far hub and I have let MIL have

her say just to humor her and then continue to do what we and the

babies doc feel is best for them. Now, however, she flat out told

hub (she wouldn't dare be so bold with me) that we need to start

feeding our 3 mo olds baby food and that when she takes care of them

from now on she will be making sure they get it. AHEM!!! I THINK

NOT!!! Up 'til now she has made " strong " suggestions as to what she

thinks we should be doing with our babies, but had yet to blatently

tell us she was going to go against our wishes as their parents.

My MIL is a much better and more supportive mother to her children

now that they are older and she has done so much to help us out with

our kids. I know she loves her grand kids and in her own deluded

way, feels that she knows whats good for the twins, but hub and I

both feel she is wrong and uninformed. My desire here is to try and

keep peace amongst all of us while letting her know that under no

circumstances is she to do something we have specifically told her

not to do.

I should add that one of her issues with our babies is that she

feels that Aubree needs to lose weight already (she's 3 mo old for

heaven's sake). Aubree is a beautifully chubby girl while her twin

brother is longer and leaner. Our twins are very much polar

opposites in personality, looks, shapes, eating habits, etc. and

because of this, we can't compare their growth rates to each other.

Aubree has had a problem with reflux and instead of putting her on

medications, we have opted to use the " thickening cure, " whereby we

add cereal to each of her bottles to stop the reflux. Thickening has

worked wonders, but the extra calories have added to her weight (MIL

feels that regular baby food throughout the day would lessen her

caloric intake. Hub and I are not a bit worried about her weight as

she is in a very healthy percentage bracket for her age and their

doc assures us that both are wonderfully healthy and happy babies.

My big mouth has gotten me into trouble before, but when someone

tries to horn in on this mother hen's nest, I'll peck back pretty

darn hard. I'd like to avoid any hurt feelings and arguments so what

I need is some advice on gentle but firm ways of getting our

parental points across to MIL.

Blah, blah, blah... This topic just bothers the heck out of me and

I'd love to hear any and all advice.

Thanks,

Toi

Children are a blessing, and a gift from the Lord. -Psalm 127:3

[Guest guest]

My EX MIL and I never ever, and still do not get along. This is in

regard to marriage, family, religion, raising kids, or picking out

toothpast at the market.

I have stories that'd make everyone's head spin...SERIOUSLY.

I tried ignoring, pretending, communicating, meeting 1/2 way,

educating, arguing, ETC ETC ETC.

She still THOUGHT that she'd have her say and get her way. Actually

she thought it was all quite amusing too.

She's dug her grave and finally realized that her toes were getting

dirty by dipping them over the edge. She lays low now that she FULLY

UNDERSTANDS that I have full custody, he lives with me and visits her

(my exhusband ((35yrs old)) lives under her roof) every other

weekend. I hold the reigns and NOT HER.

While we were still married, I finally put my foot down and told her

that if she's so HIGH AND MIGHTY and PERFECT...then there's no reason

for her not to have a baby at 54 and do whatever the heck she wants.

Until then, lay off or stay out! She used to go on about it

being 'her blood' and I reminded her that she wasn't a part of the

conception, she didn't shed blood on his birth date, and last I

checked, he didn't come out of her crotch.

She used to threaten me about doing whatever she wanted when having

him over her house, 'what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me' and so on.

Well after a year or two of me 'conveniently' having something else

planned on days that she wanted him........she came to the mature

decision that she'd play the game my way.

One time (actually first time I let my guard down on her having him

during holiday) she tried lieing to me saying that my ex had already

picked him up from her home. I got there for the planned pickup time

and heard him behind the front door. I didn't even play her stupid

game. I phoned the police, had THEM inform her that she could either

send him out or get KIDNAPPING charges pressed against her. She went

on and on about it being HER BLOOD GRANDSON and how she'd never hurt

him. The officers reminded her that she's JUST THE GRANDMA and has

NO RIGHTS to him. That took care of that problem!

My MIL issues are much worse than the usual....but hold your ground

and do what you think is right - YOU'RE THE MOM not her.

[Guest guest]

wow, you do have MIL issues! thank God mine live acrossed the

pacific ocean in another country and speak a different language!!

[Guest guest]

I have to tell you that you are my hero.......:-) Hope you don't

mind, but I will be using a few of your phrases. I also have to

agree, always remember that you are your child's mother, no one else

can ever take that place, nor do they have the right....

in Nevada

>

> I finally put my foot down and told her

> that if she's so HIGH AND MIGHTY and PERFECT...then there's no

reason

> for her not to have a baby at 54 and do whatever the heck she

wants.

> Until then, lay off or stay out! She used to go on about it

> being 'her blood' and I reminded her that she wasn't a part of the

> conception, she didn't shed blood on his birth date, and last I

> checked, he didn't come out of her crotch.

>

> One time (actually first time I let my guard down on her having him

> during holiday) she tried lieing to me saying that my ex had

already

> picked him up from her home. I got there for the planned pickup

time and heard him behind the front door. I didn't even play her

stupid game. I phoned the police, had THEM inform her that she could

either send him out or get KIDNAPPING charges pressed against her.

She went on and on about it being HER BLOOD GRANDSON and how she'd

never hurt him. The officers reminded her that she's JUST THE

GRANDMA and has NO RIGHTS to him. That took care of that problem!

>