Re: miscarriage and telling you are pg.. (was How do you annouce your pregnant?

[Guest guest]

<<and 2. don't know why never had one but would hate to tell everyone I'm

pregnant and then have a miscarriage :-(>>

Well I have had one and I have got to say that for me it was far easier dealing

with via the people who already knew that we where expecting (our very close

friends no family) It was far harder ringing family or friends and having to

tell them that I had m/c as they first had to digest the idea that we where

trying then that I had been pg and then that we had a m/c.. So because of this I

have always told close friends and family early on.. In fact this time we told

around 7 weeks because it fitted in with us being in Denmark so I for the first

time could tell my family face to face instead of via the phone...

I wait with telling not so close friends and family and general acquaintance's

but I did find it easier to deal with the people who already knew and I also got

a lot of support from those friends..

Everyone is different but for me it helped knowing some people knew..

Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama

& expecting a Christmas delivery...

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you

start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[Guest guest]

> <<and 2. don't know why never had one but would hate to tell

everyone I'm pregnant and then have a miscarriage :-(>>

>

> Well I have had one and I have got to say that for me it was far

easier dealing with via the people who already knew that we where

expecting (our very close friends no family) It was far harder ringing

family or friends and having to tell them that I had m/c as they first

had to digest the idea that we where trying then that I had been pg

and then that we had a m/c..

I've had 3 m/c's. Two were between my first and second babies and

*very* early ones, (7 weeks 3 days gestation each, the second being

exactly the same time as the first bc the first was not attended to

in any way, no D & C etc...the doc just dismissed it as " a mistake, you

probably weren't pg " . After the 2nd one when the doc *again* said I

hadn't been pg I phoned my gynae and told him what had happened and he

went ballistic. I was hauled in for a D & C, the GP was hauled over the

coals for his negligence, and when I became pg with Uri and started

bleeding I never had such amazing care from a GP.

The third m/c was a missed abortion, I carried the pg till 20 weeks

but it probably died off around 12 weeks. It was simply awful. Would

you believe, even then I had a " top gynae " (horrid man!) who had been

happily caring for me until 16 weeks, when I went for a checkup and he

examined me and told me I wasn't pregnant after all, that it was all

in my mind. I was in maternity already! I ran hysterically to my

lovely GP (not the same as the earlier one) who examined me and said I

felt pregant but not like 16 weeks, more like 12 wks, and sent me to

another gynae who diagnosed a missed abortion. We were just about to

go on holiday to Bournemouth, so he said I should go anyway, and

whatever happens will happen, and if nothing, then he'd do a D & C on my

return. DH was in London, and I was alone with five little kids and a

15 yr old " help " from " oop norf " (Gateshead) when I started

haemorrhaging on the beach and was taken by ambulance to Poole General

where they did a botched D & C; left an inch or so of placenta behind.

That inch of placenta was the first *real* proof that there had been a

baby at all, and for the first time I felt able to grieve for its

loss. I had to have another D & C a few weeks later to clear it all up,

and then I got pg with Tavya soon after that.

What I wanted to say was, I found it very difficult to tell people I

had had m/cs and would have much preferred no one to have known I ws

pg at all. Tavya lost twin baby girls at 17 weeks gestation a yr or

so before Rafi was born. I was with her for the labour and birth, she

had to endure a full labour in hospital to deliver the two dead

babies. She had told no one except her parents, in laws and siblings

that she was pg at all, and was very happy with that decision.

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

><<and 2. don't know why never had one but would hate to tell

>everyone I'm pregnant and then have a miscarriage :-(>>

>

>Well I have had one and I have got to say that for me it was far

>easier dealing with via the people who already knew that we where

>expecting (our very close friends no family)

Oh yes - I think I would much rather people knew about the pregnancy

first and the miscarriage after. I didn't tell anyone or even see a

doctor after the reaction I had from then boyfriend and a friend when

I miscarried not knowing I had been pregnant.

That said, I don't think my mother was happy knowing I was pregnant

when I was 5 weeks - she explicitly said " I'm not telling your father

yet, he'll be so disappointed if anything happens " (that's my mother

for you!)

DH wanted to tell his father face to face - he told him we were

getting married by phone, but about the baby over dinner in a

restaurant. Dunno why - I was a bit petrified we'd have an

unfortunate reaction in public. DS2 was announced to his family just

after midnight 1999 - and maybe their tactless " Haven't you worked

out what's doing it yet? " comments owed a lot to the booze.

It is well nigh impossible to conceal from everyone if you are

observing all the dietary constraints.

Ruthie, what sad experiences for you and yours - no surprised Rafi is

so special to you. I'm so sorry (though it is interesting that these

days D & Cs are becoming less routine for miscarriage - always seems to

add insult to injury to my mind, unless of course there is a specific

reason for doing one) I think it is a dreadful indictment of the way

pregnancy failure is seen as somehow shameful personal failure - or

that other people seem so unlikely to provide appropriate support in

your grief. I know some people prefer to be private in their

grieving, but we don't choose to keep other deaths quite so private.

(Poole General was where I was taken after being hit by a car. An

ambulancewoman got very stroppy with my father who was insisting I

was treated as a suspect spinal injury (he was correct as it turned

out - some weeks/months down the line it was determined I'd fractured

a vertebra) Anyway, I was being transferred on a felt cape and she

deliberately dropped a corner. Not happy memories)

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin