Re: mothers and daughters

[Guest guest]

Not unreasonable at all Claire, of course I am only seeing your side.

It's extremely difficult to be told by one's own daughter that one is

behaving badly, but one has to rise above it if the telling off is

valid. A few yrs ago I was going thru a midlife crisis. I don't want

to go into details, it isn't a period of my life I am particularly

proud of, in fact I am bitterly ashamed of it. I feel that the death

of my son Uri was the catalyst which brought me to my senses and

started me on the journey back. It was very shortly after his death

that DDs 1 and 2 came to see me; a delegation of reproach. They were

petrified of my response to what they had to tell me, which was not

pleasant at all. I was fully aware that I was in the wrong and

behaving badly so I took the rebuke humbly and promised to mend my

ways. This response, more than anything I subsequently did to achieve

my self improvement, raised their opinion of me. They had been sure I

would go all defensive and unaccepting of the admonishment, and lash

out at them. I still remember the bitter shame I felt at being taken

to task quite justifiably by my own daughters.

Ruthie

> My mil (who died in June) became, despite a poor start to our

> relationship, one of my best and closest friends.

>

> My own mother on the other hand......... I despair!

> We had a fairly good relationship when I was younger - mostly

because,

> not being the confrontational type, I always used to agree with all

her

> opinions and statements just for the sake of peace. Since leaving

home

> 20+ years ago, having a career and then a family, I have become more

> self assured and (probably) opinionated. I realised quite recently

that

> she and I hardly saw or spoke to one another, and began to feel that

it

> was time to address this situation. I made the first move - mum

admitted

> that our relationship was not good but did not want to 'stir up

muddy

> waters' and felt that the best thing to do would be to 'start over'

and

> put previous issues behind us. 20 years ago I would have been

grateful

> for this much and happily accepted it - but not nowadays. I told

her

> that I thought trying to improve our relationship could only be a

good

> thing , however, I felt we needed to discuss some of the reasons

that we

> thought may have caused the problems in the first place.

> These are some of her reasons:-

> -I call her 'mum' instead of 'mam' ( I'm originally from the north

> east - but even when living there had very little accent)

> -I have changed entirely over the last 20 years (!!!?)

> -I am a snob ( I asked her what she meant by this - she could not

tell

> my why - just that I am)

> -I think she was a 'crap' (her words) mother - this follows a

> conversation @6 years ago when DD1 was a baby and I, in response to

a

> comment about parenting, stated that I wouldn't wish to bring my

> children up the way I was brought up. (without too many details -

> violent, abusive, alcoholic father; frightened, unstable, abused and

> abusive mother) She feels that I was 'too brutally honest' and could

> (her words) 'barely bring myself to speak to you for years'.

>

> My response - in order that the conversation did not descend into a

name

> calling and blaming session - I didn't say a lot - but did point out

> that perhaps if she had told me about these things at the times they

> happened rather than harbouring resentment for years, we might have

been

> able to deal with them more easily.

> After thinking it thru I'm not sure if we have a relationship worth

> redeeming if she is not willing to see me as an adult in my own

right

> with my own valid opinions and lifestyle.

> Am I being unreasonable?

> sorry this has been so long - I'm just beginning to try and put my

> thoughts in order after a few intense and stressful months

[Guest guest]

> Thank you for that response Ruthie

>

> I am under no misconception that I am or ever was 'the perfect

daughter'

> (is there such a thing?) I think what I was trying to do was

communicate

> with my mother in an adult way - and therefore get an adult

response.

Some of us older mothers still haven't grown up, biological years

don't make maturity.

> I'm not sure that she is ready or willing to do that - the closest I

got

> was her admitting that she has enough guilt of her own to deal with

and

> therefore is unable to take on any 'criticism (implied or otherwise)

> from me.

> I'm just not sure where I go from here.

Maybe this first approach from you *will* make the first hole in that

concrete dam your mother has built up around herself, and the trickle

will become a flood. Be patient and accepting (if possible)..maybe by

reversing the roles in your head so that you become the mother, and

she the daughter. Then you automatically find tolerance where none

was before.

> One of the positive things to emerge from this is that it was the

first

> 'challenging' conversation I have had with my mother where I didn't

> dissolve into tears and become a snivelling wreck.

>

> Claire

A first step! I hope you can sit down with your mother and little by

little chip away at that concrete wall.

Ruthie