Re: Can I offload this? very, very long, sorry...

[Guest guest]

As promised, here's what my mum had to say regarding my aunt's similar

problems, although she's a little bit hazy due to the length of time

involved and the fact that when her sister was first ill she was still quite

young (my mum is 2nd youngest of 9, her sister with the problems is the 2nd

eldest). Apologies that it's turned out a bit long!

My aunt was probably depressed following the birth of her three sons but

wasn't treated, probably because that wasn't the done thing in those days.

She got progressively worse until she started doing weird things like

running into the street with no clothes on and flailing around hysterically.

My mum was too young to know quite what happened, but says she was taken

away - Mum guesses that my aunt was sectioned with the assistance of her

husband and parents. Mum's only recollection is that it was the only time

she had seen her father cry - her other memories of him are that he used to

beat them all. She was sedated and prescribed long-term tranquillisers. My

mum believes this was when the problems really started - she would drink

heavily and go really wild.

This was when she started to turn the problems onto other people more -

writing people strange letters, including children - she had no

grandchildren at that point but she wrote to me and some of my cousins when

we were around 7-12. I'd forgotten until my mum reminded me. Later, when she

did have grandchildren, she had favourites who she went to great lengths to

play with and fawn over, while others were shunned totally as if they were

the spawn of the devil (which in fact was her view of the son who had

created them). She frequently changed her mind about who was to blame, but

it was always one or more of the family, never her. Most of the family

gradually became sick of her screaming at them and stopped seeing her over a

period of time - not that obvious probably, since the family is so large and

widely spread that we don't see much of each other anyway. Two of her sons

have made a huge effort to remain on speaking terms, but of the family that

are closest to her, one of the grandchildren is so scared of her that he

won't see her. He's a young teenager.

My mum's opinion is that until she went really mad, enough to be sectioned,

there wasn't anything that anyone could do to help her - she didn't admit

there was a problem, and actually claimed for many years (and probably still

does for all I know) that her husband was the one who was sick. Mum's

thoughts on the matter are that however hard it is, it's better for one

incurably miserable person to be left miserable than for them to be allowed

to make an entire family's lives miserable. The only family who still see my

aunt are the ones who she doesn't shout at - for some reason they are seen

as " heroes " (her word) despite, or maybe because of, the fact that they

mostly had nothing to do with her life.

As far as getting your SIL help, the only thing we came up with in our hour

long conversation was asking a social worker or health visitor to look in on

her - maybe on the pretext of " it's standard practice round here to check up

on our carers and make sure they're managing to survive the stress " . That

way it would be a health professional making the approach and couldn't be

taken as personal.

I don't know whether that's helped at all, but I wish you luck and hope it's

sorted soon. It must be absolute hell in such a small family - at least ours

is huge so we can escape without being too obvious!

Best wishes,

Kerry

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 03/09/2001 15:08:14 GMT Daylight Time,

vicki@... writes:

> Has anybody else been through anything like this?? What did you do?? Please

> give me some ideas, somebody! DH thinks he wants to go on ignoring her, as

> he thinks going over to see her makes her think she's in control, and he

> thinks he can cope, but I don't see how such poison can fail to have an

> effect, do you?

>

That is a shocking story, if you read back over it yourself, you may see that

she has got worse and worse, prehaps mentally. Seems she has made the

decision to look after her mother, then screamed about how unfair it is

afterwards. This behaviour is typical of someone who is depressed, has

problems with esteem etc. Its like an impulsion to do everything without

letting anyone else help, so they can then turn round at a latter date and

throw it in everyone elses face....feeling sorry for yourself in a big way!

I dont think there is much you can do. It seems like all the way through

their childhood, the family has been non communicative (s death being a

big example), and that has made your SIL internalize her feelings. She

probably thinks things over in her head, blows it out of proportion, and as

she has noone around constantly to tell her shes being daft, starts to

believe what she is aying....making her completely irrational.

If I were your DH, I would not rise to an arguement on any level, or even try

and reason with her, shes gone beyond that. The suicide threats show that

she is crying out for help, and she obviously needs counselling or some sort

of phsychiatric help. Prehaps she clinged on to her mum because she never

understood why her brother died, as it was all swept under the carpet.

Does she have any friends? It may be an idea to approach a friend (your FIL

seems pretty useless in all this!) and suggest seeking medical help. I think

if either you or your DH suggest it, you will never hear the end of it!!

Good luck, I think you both may have to forget having any sort of

relationship with her though, shes just too emotionally crippled! If its any

consolation, my MIL is similar in that she is just so completely irrational,

and believes the wild accusations that she has thought up over time, and you

cant reason with her, she just goes on and on....its a no win situation! It

doesnt help that she picks her moments (the birth of my first baby) and shes

so evil, its shocking....she truely is a wicked woman!

Mum to Rohan (6mths)

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Kerry - your Aunt does sound very similar! I'm sure your Mum is

right about leaving a miserable person and not letting them spread it

around - it's what we're beginning to try to do, but she's so obsessed with

DH that I think it'll be difficult. I'm going to ring her local Alzheimers

Society this afternoon, since they had a relationship with her when she was

caring for her Mum I thought they may be able to help her now...

It is difficult to hide in a smaller family. Thankfully, she refuses any

invitation which involves spending time with me, usually, so we see little

of her on the pretext that the children are too young to be apart from me

for even a day! Still, I caught DH unplugging all the phones last night when

we went to bed, on the basis that he thinks he must be due a midnight 'alarm

call'. Poor man!

Vicki Portman

http://www.plushpants.co.uk

[Guest guest]

Hi Vicky,

It sounds like the Alzheimers Society is a good idea - hope it helps your

SIL. And your poor DH! Must be bad if he's unplugging phones in

anticipation... Best of luck.

Kerry

[Guest guest]

Thanks, - we are trying to track down her close friend, in the hope

that she will trust us enough to try to help - though she'll have been told

so much rubbish about us that I'm not sure it'll be worth it. DH rarely

allows himself to be provoked to argument - though he did crack once or

twice during the dawn phone call period.

Vicki Portman

http://www.plushpants.co.uk