Guest guest Posted September 3, 2001 Report Share Posted September 3, 2001 My mother is one for favouritism.. she would never see it that way and I am certain thinks she is very fair and non judgemental over all her family.. my stepgrandparrents (did you all follow that lol) have 3 grandchildren from their 2 daughters and my mother is constantly going on and on about how much they favour the younger daughter's 2 children.. (don't know for certain but I do know older daughter feels this way to) but the bizarre thing about this is that she does not see she does this herself.. I have never once rung her to tell her Oh Phoebe (say) took her first steps today.. or Eloisa said her first word without her telling me OH Hannah Jean (my niece) did that WAY before.. If I ring her just to say hi and tell her about my girls and what they are up to she will interrupt what I am saying to tell me something about my niece, and if I say I know Joan (my sister) told me she will go all hurt on me.. The thing is I love my niece she is a lovely little girl and Phoebe and her adore each other.. but I hate the way my mother makes a obvious favouritism. I know that by living in Denmark my niece will always be closer to my mother than my 2 ever will but obviously it is to much to ask from her to not compare them constantly and ALWAYS putting my girls down in front of what Hannah-Jean did.. the " weird " thing is that I know with some of it that it is not true for example both of mine talked before H-J did (my sister said this I did not know) but not according to my mother.. It does bug me at times (I can put it aside sometimes by saying she is that far away) and I have once or twice commented on it to her but she just goes " all hurt and non talkative " on me so I have given up.. Thing is however, that because it is not enjoyable to tell her about what my daughters do I don't really offer much information anymore.. Where as when I speak to my father (my parents divorced when I was 5) he is interested and asks questions and have never ONCE compared his granddaughters.. so it is far more pleasurable to tell my father about this sort of thing than it is my mother. So in doing this she actually looses out.. sorry went on a rant here really did I not?? I guess it is a bit of a raw spot for me.. Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama & expecting a Christmas delivery... My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel better already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2001 Report Share Posted September 3, 2001 > I have never once rung her > to tell her Oh Phoebe (say) took her first steps today.. or Eloisa said her > first word without her telling me OH Hannah Jean (my niece) did that WAY > before.. If I ring her just to say hi and tell her about my girls and what > they are up to she will interrupt what I am saying to tell me something > about my niece, and if I say I know Joan (my sister) told me she will go all > hurt on me.. Have you talked to your sister about this? Chances are, when your mother speaks to her, she is constantly bringing your children into the conversation and singing their praises. I think I speak from experience. ? Lynda SAHM to (8), (6), Fraser (3), Callum (15/5/00) Newsletter editor, Mid-Northumberland Branch Area Rep, Region 7 www.familygarland.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2001 Report Share Posted September 3, 2001 Caroline I do get that my mother will be (and probably always will be) closer to my niece than she will to my children. It is inevitably as I am here and she is there.. But this I can deal with. I can also deal with my mother feeling closer to my niece than she does to my children.. But what I find hard to deal with is the fact that she can't just listen to what my children do. like I am potty training Phoebe at the moment and instead of saying Oh right have you tried X Y Z she will compare how my daughter is doing to how - in her mind- my niece did when she was doing this (bear in mind my niece is 7.5 Phoebe is 3.5) and my children have never once in my mothers mind/memory done anything near as well and as wonderfully as my niece does it.. she can't just listen or talk about my children there has to be some reference of my niece in there. (I don't even get it that much when I speak to my sister only very occasionally will she say well with Hannah-Jean we did this that or the other).. I understand that my mother will feel more involved with my niece than to my children, but I don't understand why when I tell her Oh Phoebe has this doll she is really into at the moment she has to reply.. Oh yes Hannah-Jean has a doll she used to carry everywhere have you seen it?? If I tell my father the same he will say Oh that is really cute does she play games with it or does it just have to be there.. so you get a conversation with him with my mother you end up with a long list of the wonders of Hannah-Jean (sorry on a roll here LOL). I don't mind at all that my mother does more babysitting for my niece than for me.. Nor that she spends more money on Hannah-Jean's presents than on my children's presents (I know postage will add up to - I would like her not to buy new for my niece and used for my 2 though but that is probably me being a bit of a snob <g>).. I realise that by choosing to live that far away from my family this kind of thing will happen (and it get's balanced on my in law's side where the girls get spoiled rotten whenever we see them) I just wish that my mother would show a interest in my children without having to compare them unfavourably constantly, and without having to constantly bring my niece into the conversation.. (thankfully my niece is a lovely girl had she been a spoiled brat I would probably not have been able to cope with it all lol)... Also I am only talking me and my niece here but it also happens with my brother and me and my sister (more my brother and sister than me and my brother) he is the star and he can do NOTHING wrong as far as my mother is concerned.. anything he decides to do is clever intelligent and in need of help and aid.. (she still now buy's my step gran a birthday card then sends it to him with a stamp on it so " he wont forget " he is 28 years old,....) anyhoo there is a rift between my brother and sister (LONG boring story) and recently at my fathers 60's Birthday they where both present (first time this has happened in 5.5 years) and my mother did not speak to my sister for the entire evening.. (because she was worried how my brother would take that it would be a shame to upset him.. she actually said this to me...) Sorry this has got REALLY huge.. (didn't mean it to) I guess what I am saying is that I do understand and get that there will be differences in how my mother views her granddaughters. But all I am asking is that she would show a interest in my children without involving my niece (as it is I speak to my sister at least once every 14 day's so I am well clued up on what she is up to lol)... But then I guess sometimes we just want the impossible.. Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama & expecting a Christmas delivery... My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel better already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2001 Report Share Posted September 3, 2001 <<Have you talked to your sister about this? Chances are, when your mother speaks to her, she is constantly bringing your children into the conversation and singing their praises. I think I speak from experience. ?>> Yes I have spoken to my sister about it and she was very surprised about it.. (she actually said to me Oh gosh you must hate Hannah-Jean... but I don't I do get that she is not the " problem " ).. My children according to my sister will be mentioned if there is a reason to start a conversation about them (like it is their birthday or that we are coming over etc) but they do not just " pop " into the conversation.. I am quite close to my sister these day's (would never have thought it when I was growing up lol we are very different) so can thankfully speak to her about most subjects this was however one I did tread very carefully about (I did not want her to think I was not interested in her daughter) but my sister had no idea my mother did this.. There is not a huge amount my sister can do.. and as my mother won't accept that she does this kind of thing.. I guess things will just stay the way they are.. I am just pleased that my MIL & FIL doesn't do any of those things they are interested in all their grand children.. all of them do well in their eyes and all of them are wonderful.. really nice (and even better as they are the ones close by lol) Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama & expecting a Christmas delivery... My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel better already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2001 Report Share Posted September 4, 2001 In a message dated 03/09/01 22:43:54 GMT Daylight Time, lrgarland@... writes: > Have you talked to your sister about this? Chances are, when your mother > speaks to her, she is constantly bringing your children into the > conversation > and singing their praises. I think I speak from experience. ? > Absolutely - I was reading Lonnie's post and thinking how horribly familiar this all sounded! I also think that g'parents (or maybe just g'mothers?) are totally bound up in the wonderful things that the g'children they've seen *most recently* are doing, that that is the only thing that they can focus on at that time. So, tough call, but it does sort of make sense that your mother's pride (not the bread) in her g'children in Denmark blinds her to the equally wonderful achievements of her g'children in England that she sees so much less often. Does that make sense? My parents see my children far more often than they see Lynda's, but having spent a few days up with them last week, I know next time I speak to Mum, she'll be telling me how fantastically reliable Fraser is being dry at night (my is 6 weeks older and still in night nappies), what a happy soul Callum is, how well behaved the older boys are etc etc. Actually, funnily enough, she can sing the praises of the older boys to the sky (and does) and it doesn't bother me at all, simply because I don't have a child of corresponding age! That's not to say I don't like hearing about the youger ones as well, it's just... there's always that feeling that comparisons are being made... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2001 Report Share Posted September 4, 2001 In a message dated 03/09/01 23:16:36 GMT Daylight Time, hannah-louise@... writes: > Since we've moved it's much better because M+D will come and visit us on > their own for the weekend, and my kids get to have their unrivalled > attention, without having to compete with No1 child. Also, reading this, I've remembered how we, as children, came a very sorry third in our own Grandmother's affections. There was never any pretence made that this was not the case. Our Mum was Grandma's least favourite of her three children, and so, by definition, we were the least favoured grandchildren. This manifested itself at birthdays and Christmases, when our cousins would all get, say £10, and we'd get £5. I have to say though, I didn't particularly like my Grandma, and so the fact that she clearly didn't like me, never bothered me in the slightest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2001 Report Share Posted September 4, 2001 >Caroline > >I do get that my mother will be (and probably always will be) closer >to my niece than she will to my children. It is inevitably as I am >here and she is there. Oh Lonnie! It's been very similar with my grandparents - except that the wunderkinds are my cousins who live in Canada!!! I suspect it is really because my uncle is the favoured child - born years after the older two and in *much* happier times (tho' can you believe that she would *never* allow my 11 year old father to hold his baby brother????) - and then her precious baby kept going abroad. She actually admitted that she was falling over herself to help them in the hopes they wouldn't leave the country again (they came to the UK to have the children - and kept secret from her their definite intention to leave again) My Gran does exactly that thing you've described of never being able to have a conversation without dragging them into it. My grandpa was a lot more sensitive - I think the preference was there, but he was tactful about it, but he did seem a lot more impressed with a *foster* great grandchild who was theirs than his first great great grandson who was actually named for him and its *her* photo with him that has pride of place now he's died! (Not one of mine I should add, the child of the least favoured cousin (I come reasonably well up the pecking order - especially having cunningly arranged to sort my life out and be pregnant and remarrying just when my grandpa and uncle were dying - I'll never forget how explicitly grateful my Gran and aunt were that they had this to look forward to amidst the misery) There's a difference in our family's case because we don't hear directly from the Canadian contingent (several years running my parents didn't even get a Christmas card) They are actually quite nice people in the flesh (though a bit 'careful' with their own money IYSWIM) - and I think we all recognise that it isn't really their fault there's this problem. We certainly all go running the length of the country so we can get together (they've started coming over now that my grandparents aren't in a position to go there) and we have a good time. In fact my worst problem with the situation is the fact that my mother goes on and on and on and on and on about it and lets things which are past and cannot be changed make her bitter. -- jennifer@... Vaudin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2001 Report Share Posted September 4, 2001 In a message dated 04/09/01 17:13:44 GMT Daylight Time, lrgarland@... writes: > I hate to disabuse you , but as *oldest* grandchild and goddaughter I > was > actually the absolute favourite. My birthday card would always come with > £15 > inside and I had to hide the extra £10 - Mum's instructions. As you say, > she > was not the nicest of ladies :-( > Oh! Well I'm surprised I've grown up to be such a sensible, well adjusted person then... Wibble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2001 Report Share Posted September 4, 2001 Also, reading this, I've remembered how we, as children, came a very sorry third in our own Grandmother's affections. There was never any pretence made that this was not the case. Our Mum was Grandma's least favourite of her three children, and so, by definition, we were the least favoured grandchildren. This manifested itself at birthdays and Christmases, when our cousins would all get, say £10, and we'd get £5. I hate to disabuse you , but as *oldest* grandchild and goddaughter I was actually the absolute favourite. My birthday card would always come with £15 inside and I had to hide the extra £10 - Mum's instructions. As you say, she was not the nicest of ladies :-( Lynda SAHM to (8), (6), Fraser (3), Callum (15/5/00) Newsletter editor, Mid-Northumberland Branch Area Rep, Region 7 www.familygarland.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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