Re: Next stage in life...

[Guest guest]

> From next week, except for holidays, DH and I will be on our own. No

> kids around at all, except our married ones,<snip>

The grandchildren of course, but it's not the same, we aren't

responsible for them 24/7. Except this weekend when Tammy and Allan

are leaving their boys with me as they are going away.

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Is it too simple to suggest that you all get together at Sara's house?

My kids get Rosh Hashanah off school, and another Jewish holiday (Yom

Kippur?) a couple of weeks later. We live in one of Cincinnati's 2 Jewish

neighbourhoods.

Joyce

-----Original Message-----

From: ruthie@... [sMTP:ruthie@...]

>From next week, except for holidays, DH and I will be on our own. No

kids around at all, except our married ones, who have begun fighting

each other to invite us for Sabbath/holiday meals.

[Guest guest]

> Is it too simple to suggest that you all get together at Sara's

house?

It would be nice, but as we don't drive cars on Rosh Hashanah, or any

Sabbath or holiday for that matter, Tammy has a toddler who is too

young to walk all the way there and back; also it's too late a night

for all her kids, and it wouldn't be fair to leave them with a

babysitter on that special night.

> My kids get Rosh Hashanah off school, and another Jewish holiday

(Yom

> Kippur?) a couple of weeks later. We live in one of Cincinnati's 2

Jewish

> neighbourhoods.

>

> Joyce

Yes Yom Kippur is a 25 hr fast day, coming ten days after Rosh

Hashanah. It translated means " The day of Atonement " . Jewish

holidays are explained on my website on

http://www.ruthiepearlman.com/holiday.html

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Ruthie,

I think YOU should be considerate and think of DD2's feelings. As a DD2

myself I've BTDT and boy it HURTS. (have got confirmation from another

lately-married DD2 that I'm not alone in this!) So just tell DD1 that you

want to spend the time with DD2 this year (whether you do or not) and build

some bridges!!!

:-)

Anneliese and Toddler Tim

-> ________________________________________________________________________

>

> Message: 12

> Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2001 23:17:23 -0000

> From: ruthie@...

> Subject: Next stage in life...

>

> From next week, except for holidays, DH and I will be on our own. No

> kids around at all, except our married ones, who have begun fighting

> each other to invite us for Sabbath/holiday meals.

>

> The Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) is approaching (begins evening of

> 17th September, lasts two days.) DDs 1 & 2 both claim the right to

> have us for the first night meal.

>

> DD1 (Sara) says she has first right bc (1) she's the firstborn, and

> (2) we have gone to her every year for the past 13 yrs.

>

> DD2 (Tammy) says it's not fair because Sara *always* has us for Rosh

> Hashanah, Passover, *and* her family come away to Israel with us for

> Sukkot (a festival in the autumn, following the High Holy Days. Read

> about it on my website on http://www.ruthiepearlman.com/sukkot.html)

> I have my reasons for this " favouritism " (which isn't favouritism and

> TBH I don't think Tammy would like this trip to Israel as it involves

> a helluva lot of work, not a holiday.)

>

> Sara isn't budging. She wants us for the first night. Tammy has

> reluctantly agreed to have us for second night, but is resentful. We

> feel torn. She feels she always gets the " dregs. "

>

> We tried to make her feel good about the second night, saying it's as

> important as the first night but she knows it isn't. DH and I told

> her to have it out with Sara, which she might do. I do think Sara is

> being unreasonable and should consider her sister's feelings.

>

> Nice to be fought over tho!

>

> Ruthie

>

>

[Guest guest]

<<So just tell DD1 that you

want to spend the time with DD2 this year (whether you do or not) >>>

Not that easy though is it.. I mean if dd1 asked first and was told yes then it

will look like a snub on dd1.. Could you not go to dd1 this year and then tell

dd2 that you will go to hers next year??

btw I am a dd2 myself ;o) AND a middle child so I do know where you are coming

from anneliese ;o) - has been made easier by living here as my family is not so

close into our life that when I am around it tends to be me and my family that

gets the attention as we are kind of a novelty factor..

Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama

& expecting a Christmas delivery...

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you

start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[Guest guest]

<<<Funny cos I'm quite happy for Lynda to have our M & D for Christmas/New

Year/Easter/Summer Holidays... whenever it suits her...

>>

Ha ;o) I have got to admit that I always feel sorry for my sister when my mother

and stepdad decides to spend Christmas with her.. My father I would have any

day of the year ;o) (and I know my sis feels the same way lol) yet another

advantage of not living in the same country as parents <g>..

Having said that we have just had to inform mil and fil that we will NOT be

celebrating Christmas OR the 26th with anyone but ourself this year.. (baby due

20th and I tend to go over) having to do it this early as I know that closer to

they will start saying.. Oh well just come down here. we will cook etc etc (I

ended up at my sils last time on the 26th when expecting Eloisa -edd of Jan 1st-

and I was not happy) This time however I have put my foot down and said WE are

not going anywhere.. (on a plus point dh has this " dream " of spending Christmas

at home with his imidiate family so he feels like he is getting everything his

way lol..

Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama

& expecting a Christmas delivery...

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you

start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[Guest guest]

> Ruthie,

>

> I think YOU should be considerate and think of DD2's feelings. As

a DD2

> myself I've BTDT and boy it HURTS. (have got confirmation from

another

> lately-married DD2 that I'm not alone in this!) So just tell DD1

that you

> want to spend the time with DD2 this year (whether you do or not)

and build

> some bridges!!!

>

> :-)

>

> Anneliese and Toddler Tim

I hear what you are saying Anneliese but it's not that simple; DD2

lives MUCH closer than DD1, walking wise (which is relevant on Sabbath

and festivals as we don't drive then.) I go to visit DD2 every single

sabbath afternoon on foot whereas I wouldn't dream of making the long

trek to DD1 on foot unless we were properly invited for a meal, it's

just too far for a " pop in to say hi " sort of visit on Sabbaths. So

during the year I don't see so much of DD1 and her family. OK she

made a conscious decision to move out of the immediate walkable area

(she sold her old house to DD2). She also works as a PE teacher

during the week whereas DD2 doesn't work, so she pops into me a lot.

DD1 therefore feels that these important meals are the only time we

get together as two families, aside from the Sukkot trip to Israel.

DD2 is free to invite us every Sabbath if she wants to, but tbh I feel

she has been stalling until Yeshaya goes away because she had a row

with him that night when he " ran away " to Azariah's and she gave him a

rolicking on the phone about it. She has not invited us since as it

would involve him too.

Family politics!!

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

> <<So just tell DD1 that you

> want to spend the time with DD2 this year (whether you do or not)

>>>

>

> Not that easy though is it.. I mean if dd1 asked first and was told

yes then it will look like a snub on dd1.. Could you not go to dd1

this year and then tell dd2 that you will go to hers next year??

I hadn't actually said yes to DD1, but hers was the first message on

the ansaphone, DD2's was the second. I think we will have to agree to

go to DD2 for " first night " next year, but unfortunately this will

leave DD2 with nothing as she doesn't invite guests for the " second

night " ,(no idea why!) and the two daytime meals are a bit difficult to

time as everyone goes to different synagogues finishing at different

times.

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Otherwise, congratulations on your empty nest, Ruthie. My

> parents still have my youngest brother at home, but my

> mother has a big sign in the basement saying " It's not an

> empty nest till your kids get their stuff out of the

> basement " . Someday I'll move back to the US and get it out,

> I promise...

>

> Phyllis

Not empty till Wednesday Phyllis, and then only in term time really.

Zehava and Yeshaya do actually live at home when it's not term time

)

Azariah (my estranged son) came over today to give Yeshaya the

" Brotherly Talk Before Going Off to Yeshivah " (Oh Brother!)..laced

with plenty of anti parents propaganda. Luckily Yeshaya has his head

screwed on really well and was able to sift the good from the bad and

ignore the latter.

I know about the stuff in the basement...we don't have a basement in

London but my guest bedroom is stacked up with Tavya and Dov's wedding

presents which will not be moved till they move into their new house

next year..

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

<<<. I think we will have to agree to

go to DD2 for " first night " next year, but unfortunately this will

leave DD2 with nothing as she doesn't invite guests for the " second

night " ,(no idea why!) and the two daytime meals are a bit difficult to

time as everyone goes to different synagogues finishing at different

times.>>

but Ruthie would it not also leave her alone for 2nd night if you go to her on

first night this year?? I mean if she doesn;t invite people then she won't have

anyone there.

(does this make sense I think I need to go to bed soon lol)

Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama

& expecting a Christmas delivery...

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you

start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[Guest guest]

> <<<. I think we will have to agree to

> go to DD2 for " first night " next year, but unfortunately this will

> leave DD2 with nothing as she doesn't invite guests for the " second

> night " ,(no idea why!) and the two daytime meals are a bit difficult

to

> time as everyone goes to different synagogues finishing at different

> times.>>

>

> but Ruthie would it not also leave her alone for 2nd night if you go

to her on first night this year?? I mean if she doesn;t invite people

then she won't have anyone there.

> (does this make sense I think I need to go to bed soon lol)

Yup you are right but the first night of Rosh Hashanah has lots of

rituals which the second night doesn't have, so that's why she wants

to " hog " us for for that particular meal, she feels it's more

special. Anyway, her " not having anyone " means having herself, her DH

and their six kids! )

Ruthie

>

>

> Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama

> & expecting a Christmas delivery...

> My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to

finish what you start.

> So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake.

>

> I feel better already.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

When we got married we told family that we would be spending it in our home

and on our own. When we lived nearer, we would visit them all on Xmas eve

and sometimes have them over on boxing day, but xmas day was sacrosanct. I

think it was one of the best decisions we ever made, to be honest!

Our older ones are at the stage when they may or may not be here (and in

fact, DH won't be here this year!) but I don't make a fuss about them being

away. I think its understandable that they want to be with girlfriends etc.

By the same token, I don't expect to be invited to spend xmas with them, if

and when they set up home, although, of course, it would be very nice to be

asked.

Lesley

PS Of course, they don't yet know about our little retirement plans to

sell up and go to live with each of them in turn for three months of the

year, tee hee! ;-)))

------------------------------

From: " Lonnie > >>

>

> Ha ;o) I have got to admit that I always feel sorry for my sister when my

mother and stepdad decides to spend Christmas with her.. My father I would

have any day of the year ;o) (and I know my sis feels the same way lol) yet

another advantage of not living in the same country as parents <g>..

> Having said that we have just had to inform mil and fil that we will NOT

be celebrating Christmas OR the 26th with anyone but ourself this year..

[Guest guest]

Lesley wrote:

>When we got married we told family that we would be spending it in our home

>and on our own. When we lived nearer, we would visit them all on Xmas eve

>and sometimes have them over on boxing day, but xmas day was sacrosanct. I

>think it was one of the best decisions we ever made, to be honest!

We usually go to my M & D's for Xmas. Well, maybe not. When we married

the plan was one Xmas in NZ, one in the UK and one on our own.

Now the NZ choice has been removed really - both DH's parents are dead

and spending Xmas with siblings is not the same as returning to parents,

in DH's eyes anyway. He doesn't feel any great pull to NZ now.

Last Xmas was the first we'd spent 'alone' in Australia and we spent it

with friends. It was very enjoyable, very untraditional and very

relaxing.

When we moved back to Nottingham from London, we had the biggest house

and everyone joked we should host. So we did. But DH woke up feeling

awful and was back in bed by lunchtime - and stayed there for 2 weeks

with flu - and DD was coming down with something and clung to me all

day. Mum ended up cooking in my kitchen (her worst nightmare I think!)

and my grandma kept asking me if we would be coming to the huge family

do at her place the following day (whilst I was trying to calm upset

toddler etc).

This year's Xmas hasn't been raised yet but I suspect we'll go over to

Mum's. I daren't host again given the last experience and DB and DSis

don't have the room.

Not sure where DB and his family will be going nor where DSis and her BF

will go since they have just bought a house together. Maybe they'll

choose to spend it together, alone.

--

Sue