Can I offload this? very, very long, sorry...

[Guest guest]

Well, we're back from our holiday (had a lovely, lovely time): and here's a

howdy do! Since we're on the subject of difficult in-laws, we're having a

complete nightmare with my sister in law. What on *earth* do we do about

this?? Please bear in mind that I'm going to try to be objective in all

this, and I do acknowledge that she's a deeply unhappy woman. However, she

is now sorely testing my patience and temper and the limits of my tact (not

great at the best of times!)

Some history: DH's family is father, mother, him (no. 1) (no. 2)

died of leukaemia aged 11 and SIL. His SIL has always suffered from low

self-esteem, in DH's view - and never really left home. FIL runs a pub just

outside Wakefield, and the kids went to different schools - the boys to one

and SIL for some unknown reason, to another. The family didn't handle

's death at all well - FIL insisted that all photos and memorabilia

were out of sight. All his clothes/toys were burnt, and he is never talked

about. They never received any kind of help, and DH has only just

discovered where his brother is buried.

SIL now claims to have been bullied at school, but DH says the first he ever

heard of this was last year, when she had a big fit about how it was his

fault she was bullied, because he never beat the bullies up (they were at

different schools, remember.) Not that he would have, anyway but that's by

the by. DH went to Bradford uni and got a computing degree - was first in

his family to get a degree - and moved to London to work. SIL went to

Bradford uni and went home every weekend. Got a history degree, went back

home and trained as a primary school teacher. Claims to have been unable to

get a permanent job and did supply teaching for a couple of years (this in

the face of teacher shortages, in an area of very high social and economic

deprivation where teacher turnover is phenomenally high), all the while

living at home.

Tragically, MIL got Alzheimers at the age of about 52, and SIL was her prime

carer (FIL too busy running the pub!) As MIL got worse, SIL gave up any

pretence of a teaching career, and stayed at home to care for her mother.

There is absolutely no doubt that SIL had a really shitty deal in this: her

Dad gave her very little support, preferring to pretend that his wife would

recover and therefore ignoring many of SIL's sacrifices and paying little

attention to her needs. We offered as much help as we could, but we do have

small children and couldn't take on the full-time care burden of MIL. DH

now says he wouldn't have wanted to take on full-time care even without the

kids, and that if he'd been single, he wouldn't have moved home to help.

This isn't heartlessness - though it may be cowardice! - MIL knew she would

get this disease - her mother and 5 out of 6 of her siblings all had it, all

young. She talked about it often and always said she didn't want to be a

burden on her children and wanted to be put in a home as soon as she was

ill. At the same time, she was very frightened. Still, we offered to help

as much as we could. Most of our help was rejected, often curtly, and

whenever we offered support or assistance, SIL told us in no uncertain terms

that she was coping fine, and didn't need us. It was plain, and has become

plainer, that this is far from the truth. Initially, we visited every

weekend or two, but over time our visits appeared to be unwelcome - I have

always been ignored by SIL to the extent that she won't even say hello to me

unless DH prompts her, and wouldn't dream of extending hospitality even in

the form of a cup of tea! The children are much fawned over, however, but

in an odd way (I can't define 'odd', here, but it makes me uncomfortable).

I had been in touch with the local Alzheimers Society, who had got Social

Services in touch with the family, which resulted in a psychiatric nurse

visiting, and MIL was given a home visit from a respite worker twice a week,

and taken to a day centre once a week, which meant that SIL got a break 3

days a week. DH had been in touch with MIL's GP and got regular updates on

her condition from him (neither SIL nor FIL have ever phoned us when MIL's

condition changes. Or for any other reason, for that matter. The phone

lines work strictly one way!) We had some time before invited SIL to pick a

day of the week and come over here on a regular basis, to get away from her

family and spend time with DD1 and the bump that was to be DS. She came

twice.

When we'd been married about a year and a half, and Josh was about 6 months

old - so maybe 3 years ago, DH got a letter out of the blue from SIL, saying

that I was a complete bitch; not good enough for him; patronising to her;

that I conspire to keep her away from the baby (DS) as much as possible;

that she's spent more time with her cousin's baby than her brother's (her

cousin lives two streets away, we live 2 hours away by car. Go figure!);

and on and on. He immediately went over to see her, and spent and evening

being bathed in vitriol about how he'd deserted her and he'd never

understand what she was going through, and I was patronising (because I'd

been in touch with Alzheimers Soc., as it turned out), and she would never

have children and couldn't bear being deprived of his children, and their

family is cursed and nothing ever goes right and so on.

So, after that, we resumed going over every other weekend - by this time MIL

barely knew me or the kids, but was always very pleased to see DH - and DH

went on his own every Wednesday night, to take SIL out and give her a break.

Then, the following xmas, our DD2 was born by c/s (3 Dec) so we announced

that we would be having xmas at home, and the ILs were all welcome to come

on xmas day, which they all did and even MIL seemed pleased to be here,

though she was usually very distressed away from home. By this time she was

multiply incontinent, unable to feed herself, not always able to walk,

recognising very few people and still living at home under SIL's care.

Social Services were pressing SIL to have her put in a home, and SIL

refused - to the point where Social Services rang DH and said they were

concerned about SIL's refusal to let go of her mother, and could he

intervene. He tried - unsuccessfully.

Anyway, about a week after xmas we got another letter, saying she was going

to kill herself because nobody loved her and she felt terribly let down by

DH who hadn't been there for her and he was to consider her dead from that

day on. So, he rushed over again, and that seemed to resolve things for a

while.

Then about a month later, we began to get phone calls at 2, 3 in the

morning. If I answered the phone, she'd say " I don't want to talk to you "

and hang up. If he answered the phone, she'd be silent for up to half an

hour, and then begin screaming vitriol at him. If he hung up, we'd start

all over again. This went on for about 3 weeks - at a time when our DD2 was

also having problems and difficult to settle, so the net result was very

little sleep for us.

Eventually, SIL was persuaded to put MIL into a home - by this time, MIL had

become rather violent and it was apparent even to SIL that she could no

longer cope alone. For a while, things seemed to improve - no letters, no

phone calls. We went over when we could and DH and SIL seemed to be getting

on reasonably OK. Then she discovered email

So, to skip a few beats, in the last two weeks, she's emailed DH twice (at

work!): the first time when she knew I'd be away and he'd have no one to

talk to at home, either (one of her big things is that he can find " comfort

in the arms of your wife " while she has no comfort because he's deserted

her). In this one, she said that DH is a huge disappointment to her; that

he will never understand what she's been through looking after their mother;

that

he's destroyed her faith in human nature and in the family; that all she

ever wanted was for him to love her and he's let her down badly; that nobody

loves her; that he was never there for her when she needed him; that she

lies awake at night crying because he doesn't love her; that he spends more

time with my family than with her (if this is true, it's marginal - my

family is geographically very scattered, and we see little of them, though

we do have lots of phone contact); and f*** him. Then, today, he gets back

into work after his holiday to find another one. This time, she hates him

with a passion; she wishes he'd died and not ; she never wants to see

him again; he's not even 10% of the person she thought he was; he's no kind

of son to his mother; and she obviously thought far more of him than he ever

thought of her. Oh, and she hopes he had a nice holiday.

So, apart from get very cross that this woman is hurting my lovely, gentle

husband and doesn't seem to be about to stop, what can I do about this? He

thinks she's dreadfully depressed and needs help - which I think is partly

true: she obviously is dreadfully something but I think it's gone beyond

depression, almost - and how do we help her if she won't acknowledge there's

anything wrong? She says she's fine and coping well and the problems are

all his.

Has anybody else been through anything like this?? What did you do?? Please

give me some ideas, somebody! DH thinks he wants to go on ignoring her, as

he thinks going over to see her makes her think she's in control, and he

thinks he can cope, but I don't see how such poison can fail to have an

effect, do you?

Anyway, this is too long - sorry!

Vicki Portman

http://www.plushpants.co.uk