Guest guest Posted October 4, 2001 Report Share Posted October 4, 2001 I know this method must sound very alien to you, but it seems to work > for us. Marriages are, on the whole, happy and our divorce > statistics lower than the national average. There is no social > coercion to stay in an unhappy marriage, and divorce is not made > difficult, so the matchmaking method, known as a " shidduch " , must > have *something* going for it! > > Ruthie I think it sounds very exciting and romantic )) I wish I'd had some sort of arrangement like that organised for me.... do let us know how Zehava gets on. Also what happens if a girl keeps getting introduced to men, but never clicks with one - does that ever happen? Hannah, 27 Mum to Bethany 7, Lawrence 5 1/2, Verity 3, Alfie 7 months Visit me on the web at :- http://hannahshome.20m.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 4, 2001 Report Share Posted October 4, 2001 <<<I know this method must sound very alien to you, but it seems to work > for us. Marriages are, on the whole, happy and our divorce > statistics lower than the national average. There is no social > coercion to stay in an unhappy marriage, and divorce is not made > difficult, so the matchmaking method, known as a " shidduch " , must > have *something* going for it!>>>> Actually one thing I could see working for it was that if family had had some say in choosing the person then they would not be able to after come and say what in the WORLD does she/he see in him/her.. Having said that I am pretty happy this was not the way that it was done in my case.. I would never have met dh ;o).. Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama & expecting a Christmas delivery... My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel better already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 5, 2001 Report Share Posted October 5, 2001 I think it sounds very exciting and romantic )) I wish I'd had some sort > of arrangement like that organised for me.... do let us know how Zehava gets > on. Also what happens if a girl keeps getting introduced to men, but never > clicks with one - does that ever happen? > > Hannah, 27 Oh yes and vice versa. I have a 31 yr old nephew in NYC who must have gone out with practically all the available girls in New York and has become progressively more picky and choosy over the years, now no one is good enough. My sister in law says she will have to seriously consider throwing him out of the house to live in a bachelor pad; she thinks he has settled into the role of unmarried oldest son too comfortably. There is a family in my area of London who had 7 daughters; there are still four unmarried ones. Families do try to get their kids married " in order " (of age, that is) but if there is a log jam, they let the younger ones go first In fact my son in law Doniel (Avigayil's DH) was a case in point; the youngest of four sons, none of whom was married when he went out with Avigayil. They were all extremely eligible, handsome, bright boys, it just didn't happen... until Doniel got married, now they are all married! Ruthie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 5, 2001 Report Share Posted October 5, 2001 > Actually one thing I could see working for it was that if family had had some say in choosing the person then they would not be able to after come and say what in the WORLD does she/he see in him/her.. > Having said that I am pretty happy this was not the way that it was done in my case.. I would never have met dh ;o).. > > Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama Yes but also the reverse is true; there are hardly any people who are impossible to fix up with *somebody " suitable. In the case of our son Azariah, who is 25, we are keeping *well* out of his marriage plans. He rejects all suggestions anyway, and we wouldn't want to be held responsible (more from the girl's side than his) for an unhappy marriage. He blames us for almost everything else, anyway, from sending his foster brother away, to making Uri drive his car over that ravine. Neither of which is remotely the case. I should point out that DIY shidduchs (ie boy and girl meet naturally, usually as youngsters and date for years till they are old enough to marry) do exist, it just isn't the norm. Ruthie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 5, 2001 Report Share Posted October 5, 2001 > > You are going to be very shocked at my answer, and I feel I have to > defend it before I say it. Because all the investigations into > suitability have been done *before* the couple meet, and all they > have to sort out is if they like each other, are compatible, are > sexually attracted etc, the procedure can move pretty fast. It is > not unusual for a couple to get engaged within a couple of weeks. I am a fan of this kind of arrangement... My best friend is Hindu and her sister was 'introuced' to a 'boy' late last year. He was already deemed suitable - right caste, right sort of family, right age, professional, good looking etc. and like you said all 'background checks' had been done. So, everyone knew he was 'safe' (safer than a guy she may have met in a club... where else do young people meet their lovers these days?) His family was well known to the extended family of my best friend, so his character was vouched for and so on. Plus, her family would never have bothered to introduce her to someone she didn't have anything in common with (and neither would they force her into anything.) The 2 were introduced to see if the spark was there... and it was! So they became engaged after just meeting twice. They spent their engagement getting to know one another (as much as can be done when one lives in the UK, the other in the US) and were then married in July of this year (I cried at the wedding because I couldnt believe that one of my close friends was getting married. How stupid is that when I a married with a kid?!) I am sure that theirs will be a happy marriage because so much thought went into it. Perhaps if marriages were taken this seriously by more people in the UK divorce would be lower? I wish your daughter the very best of luck Ruthie, it must be such an exciting (and slightly terrifying) time for her. Hannah is right, it is romantic! Liz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 5, 2001 Report Share Posted October 5, 2001 > I am a fan of this kind of arrangement... My best friend is Hindu and > her sister was 'introuced' to a 'boy' late last year. <snip> > I am sure that theirs will be a happy marriage because so much > thought went into it. Perhaps if marriages were taken this seriously > by more people in the UK divorce would be lower? I wish your daughter > the very best of luck Ruthie, it must be such an exciting (and > slightly terrifying) time for her. Hannah is right, it is romantic! > Also another excellent aspect of arranged (or introduced) marriages seems to be that there is a much more realistic mindset when embarking and particularly when continuing about the possible problems of a marriage, plus a sort of understood framework, which I really think does help and is much more realistic. And the extended family are there to help if help is needed and wanted. The father of my Seikh friend also said to me at the wedding that in a sense the getting to know is like having a series of wedding presents that continue for months and years as they get to know eachother's characters etc. Also I know that the sexual side of things took quite a long time to blossom fully, I don't think there's necessarily the expectation that it all has to happen on night one, which does take a heck of a lot of pressure off. On the other hand, neither her mother nor sisters had told her any of the necessary details to try to allay her fear, and she had to move in with her inlaws for a year - which stretched out to four - which was a trial. (in this particular case) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 5, 2001 Report Share Posted October 5, 2001 Also I know that the sexual side of things took quite > a long time to blossom fully, I don't think there's necessarily the > expectation that it all has to happen on night one, which does take a > heck of a lot of pressure off. On the other hand, neither her mother > nor sisters had told her any of the necessary details to try to allay > her fear, and she had to move in with her inlaws for a year - which > stretched out to four - which was a trial. (in this particular case) Sexually, I can only speak for my kids who were *very* well prepared. All girls and boys attend special lessons when engaged, to familiarise them with the laws of family purity (the separation when menstruating, the 7 clean days, immersion in the ritual bath etc), but it depends on the teacher as to how well prepared they are on actually the SEX bit. I make sure they know everything. We have long and frank talks. Ruthie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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