Re: mothers! was MIL/favouritism (sorry v long)

[Guest guest]

My mil (who died in June) became, despite a poor start to our

relationship, one of my best and closest friends.

My own mother on the other hand......... I despair!

We had a fairly good relationship when I was younger - mostly because,

not being the confrontational type, I always used to agree with all her

opinions and statements just for the sake of peace. Since leaving home

20+ years ago, having a career and then a family, I have become more

self assured and (probably) opinionated. I realised quite recently that

she and I hardly saw or spoke to one another, and began to feel that it

was time to address this situation. I made the first move - mum admitted

that our relationship was not good but did not want to 'stir up muddy

waters' and felt that the best thing to do would be to 'start over' and

put previous issues behind us. 20 years ago I would have been grateful

for this much and happily accepted it - but not nowadays. I told her

that I thought trying to improve our relationship could only be a good

thing , however, I felt we needed to discuss some of the reasons that we

thought may have caused the problems in the first place.

These are some of her reasons:-

-I call her 'mum' instead of 'mam' ( I'm originally from the north

east - but even when living there had very little accent)

-I have changed entirely over the last 20 years (!!!?)

-I am a snob ( I asked her what she meant by this - she could not tell

my why - just that I am)

-I think she was a 'crap' (her words) mother - this follows a

conversation @6 years ago when DD1 was a baby and I, in response to a

comment about parenting, stated that I wouldn't wish to bring my

children up the way I was brought up. (without too many details -

violent, abusive, alcoholic father; frightened, unstable, abused and

abusive mother) She feels that I was 'too brutally honest' and could

(her words) 'barely bring myself to speak to you for years'.

My response - in order that the conversation did not descend into a name

calling and blaming session - I didn't say a lot - but did point out

that perhaps if she had told me about these things at the times they

happened rather than harbouring resentment for years, we might have been

able to deal with them more easily.

After thinking it thru I'm not sure if we have a relationship worth

redeeming if she is not willing to see me as an adult in my own right

with my own valid opinions and lifestyle.

Am I being unreasonable?

sorry this has been so long - I'm just beginning to try and put my

thoughts in order after a few intense and stressful months