The ramblings of a mad woman

April 23, 2003

I know I've been quiet again. I can't figure out if I'm coming or going

lately. Feeling bitchy even though good stuff is happening ... then I

feel like I shouldn't be bitching, I should be focusing on the good

stuff.

I've noticed ... that every time Jordan makes some sort of progress,

after I'm done being pleased, I'm depressed and go through my " I hate

autism " routine again. Maybe because the achievements remind me again

and again of how far behind he is? Maybe because I'm celebrating such

little things? Or maybe it's the " down " that must come after an " up " .

I'm still sleeping like shit. Nothing much seems to help. Add to it,

that my allergies are in full force now ... welcome to Cleveland. It

was like this for me in Philadelphia and then I enjoyed 10 years of

relatively little allergies ... I had forgotten just how bad they can

be. I'm stuck up here though unless I want to go back to work full time

so we can afford a better house than this shithole we live in. So, I'll

deal with the allergies until at least Jordan & go to school full

time ... then maybe we can move somewhere I can breath during the

spring. Meanwhile, insomnia plus a completely clogged nose does not

make for restful nights and refreshed mornings.

My ankle is still being a challenge. It's not that it hurts all the

time. Actually the opposite ... it doesn't hurt so I do stuff and/or

take off the boot cast ... then the lump swells up and gets more sore.

It frustrates me to be not doing stuff when I feel like I could but know

I shouldn't. Worse is the mess that is gradually taking over my house.

I'm not suzy homemaker but still ... I can't stand it when it gets so

bad there's nowhere to set a glass on the kitchen counters and I can't

see the floor in the playroom to safely walk to my chair. Doesn't help

my mood to be in so much clutter. I'm constantly running to catch up

.... at least that's how it feels.

I need a vacation. No kids, no husband, no house, no schools. I don't

even care where it is, because all I plan to do is sleep and lay around.

Maybe paint ... hahahaha, paint, what is that? I've forgotten. Maybe

write a bit ... haven't done that in ages either. Yes, a sleeping

vacation, that sounds lovely. Anyone want to join me?

Debbie with twins

- Jordan (ASD) 2.5yo

- (NT) 2.5yo

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