How to Be a Hero by Brandt

May 3, 2003

1. Wake up and immediately begin harrassing your mother about the

fact that YOU think your allowance day should be changed from Friday

to Saturday. (Due to the fact that you spent your allowance the day

before and still NEED to buy more things.)

2. Follow said mother throughout the house reminding her that a good

way to show love is always money until mother retreats to the garage

to have a calming smoke. Follow her into the garage.

3. Decide that mother (wearing only a t-shirt and underpants)

deserves to be left in the garage. Go inside and lock door at

doorknob.

4. Change mind and decide you still need to persuade her further.

Go into garage after her, pulling locked door shut behind you.

5. Decide she is a hopeless case and to return inside to possibly

work on dad. Discover door is locked. Scream loudly at dad who is

showering in the basement and hears nothing.

6. Open garage door with opener, leaving mom in underwear exposed to

neighborhood. Run around the house to the back.

7. Enter house from rear and run to locked door yelling " Here I come

to save the day! Super Brandt is on the way! "

8. Smile when mom hugs you and says, " My hero! "

9. Immediately resume harangue about allowance.

Side note from hero's mom. The ad-men who use imperative, bold-faced

statements in ads should be shot on sight! The effect of statements

like, " Try all five flavors! " , " Try this! " and the most

insidious, " Collect them all! " on small literal, autistic,

hyperlectics is LETHAL! They walk around 24/7 with a neon light sign

in their heads directing them to comply with this directive from on

high. WE MUST COLLECT ALL 250+ Pokemon CARDS! It says so right on

the box! Can't you READ? Leggs

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