Re: Can I offload this? (this is long too, sorry)

[Guest guest]

Vicki,

I haven't been able to read all the replies, but I have ready your

story and it really touches me after all we have been through with my

sister. It's a different " story " with her, but it seems to me to

contain many of the same issues.

It does seem to me that your SIL has never really managed to get her

own life off the ground. Perhaps it doesn't really matter why -

perhaps she had low self-esteem, perhaps she never really got the

support she needed from her parents, perhaps she felt she had to stay

at home to make up for the brother that died - who knows.

And so with that background the 'carer' role will have fallen

straight into her lap - giving her something to focus on, but also

all the excuses to not carry on a life for herself. If she is like my

sister she might even have (unconsciously) relished that 'victim'

role. With hindsight she probably shouldn't have become a carer at

all, as it seems to have escalated the situation (but I know how

difficult all these things are to deal with, as you cannot run

people's lives for them).

Being a carer for a sick relative is incredibly hard - my MIL have

done it twice (for her own MIL and her DH, both with Parkison, until

they died) and in spite of being an incredibly strong woman it took

her about 5 years to put her own life back together afterwards. I

imagine if your SIL was already weak, it must have made her situation

even worse.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but it looks to me as if the situation is

spiralling out of control now exactly because she has lost the only

thing she had to hold onto - ie the fact that she was looking after

your MIL and therefor was important, a victim, etc. You can see how

in her own eyes she now has nothing - and needs someone to blame it

on.

At least that's what happened with my sister - when she was 30 she

went through an awful time, discovering her husband was an alocholic

when she was pregnant with number 2, possible child abuse, court

case, bringing up 2 kids on her own, etc. During this whole process

my parents, my brother, my little sister and I helped her out all

that we could - or at least we thought we did. (We all lived within

an hour of each other). You know - my little sister was babysitting

the kids and helping out in her house; I was her birthing partner,

took her out for drinks, gave evidence in her court case, went to AA-

for-relatives meetings with her; my parents supported her financially

with car and mortgage, paid for the court case, invited her to stay

whenever she wanted; etc etc - I could go on.

Then when we thought everything was starting to get better, and I had

moved to the UK, it suddenly all escalated - she started to think

that she had been abused as a child, her parents had always hated

her, she was a VICTIM, and unless my siblings and I all supported her

in this she didn't want to talk to us either. It was an absolutely

gruesome time - I had just given birth to DD and was quite

vulnerable - and all I was getting was e-mails detailing all the

horrible things my father had suddenly done (we had heard nothing

about this for over 30 years) and crying calls from my parents who

had no idea what was gong on but was starting to get bizarre phone

calls and notes saying how " my father was not to touch her children "

etc. (That's after he had been looking after them with my mum every

other weekend for years).

In the end I couldn't support her - she wrote letters to all our

relatives and friends telling them that my father was a psychopath,

that sort of thing - and since I had grown up with her I knew it

wasn't the case. The first Christmas with DD 10 weeks old, I went

home to find my parents had aged about 10 years, with my father

contemplating suicide, my mother saying she would never be happy

again in her whole life, and my little sister totally freaked out.

It's nearly 3 years ago now and it's been a gruelling process

to 'grow out of love' with my older sister - she was my best friend

and I would have nearly died for her; but after all the grief she has

caused to the other people I love I just cannot care for her anymore.

I also realised that perhaps the timing of the crisis wasn't so

coincidental after all - the reason it escalated was exactly because

she was coming out of the crisis and was no longer the only centre of

attention, whereas I have having my first child and was starting to

take some of the family focus off her (we had literally all been

running a 'sister support' show for years.

Now here's the reason I am telling you all this: After we had to let

her go, she has perfected the art of being the victim, she has found

support with others who had an " unhappy childhood " , and she has

created a new existence for herself. A slightly crazed one, perhaps,

and we constantly wonder if the kids are OK, but at least she is no

longer focusing her energy towards telling us how horrible we all

are. It breaks my heart that we don't speak to each other - but at

least it's looks as if we can continue our lives apart.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but at least to me it

seems as if my sister " had to " find someone to blame, because the

burden of having a miserable life and being completely responsible

for it herself was just too much to bear for her. (Blaming her

alcoholic, abusing husband wasn't enough - and also he has a sunny

side and is the father of her children, plus supports her

financially, so she couldn't blame it ALL on him). As my very wise

aunt once said, we could all do with an imaginary 'unhappy childhood'

now and then, as it's always easier to have someone or something to

blame.

It seems to me as if your SIL is in the same rut - she is deeply

unhappy, has wasted parts of her life, has no idea what to do next,

and needs someone to blame it on. Who is around - other than you and

your DH?

She does need help, but I don't think she will take it from you. My

only advice would be do everything you can to be 'sivil', and

understanding, and perhaps over time she will realise she is not

getting anywhere and stop the harassment.

But talking from experience it is also possible that at some point

you need to set down some ground rules as to what is not acceptable

behaviour. For example, your DH could say she can blame him for

anything she likes but she is not to criticise you or your children.

Or that she can write down everything she wants to blame him for in a

very long letter and that after that he never wants to hear of it

again. Or that he doesn't want to see her until she stops the

harassment. Or whatever. But some rules that work for you.

At that point she might scream and yell and swear never to talk to

you again - and perhaps she wont - but it could be the break can

allow you all to move on. I'm not saying this lightly - oh would I

have wished that my sister and I were best friends and that I could

have helped her move on, and oh have I cried many tears over it - but

there comes a time when things are just spiralling in one direction

someone has to stay stop.

Sorry for rambling on, but I really feel for you and I know how hard

it must be.

Karina

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Karina - your story has really touched me I'm sending you a

big hug, and will certainly pass on your ideas to DH.

I think you're largely right about my SIL - she has cast herself in the

victim role and seems at least complicit in everything that has 'happened

to' her, if not actually encouraging her dad to offload his responsibilities

onto her (she has also taken over the administrative and business running of

the pub). And I think your idea of laying down rules is an excellent one -

I'll see what DH thinks of it. I've already said that my rules are that she

is not to be allowed to use the children as pawns in this (there have been

pathetic notes to DD1); and that I will not agree to her being put in a

situation where she is alone with the children until we are a long, long way

down the path of diagnosis and treatment - apart from anything else, I don't

want her pouring her poison into them, too, but mostly I don't think she's

safe to care for herself atm, and certainly not for my children. DH is

really ticked off about this as he think it's not helpful, but I'm not

budging.

DH has admitted to me that in many ways he would simply like to lose contact

with her - but I think he simply can't bring himself to do it. After all,

their mother isn't dead yet, and I don't think he wants to lose his entire

family in one go - who would? (I'm afraid we all tend to discount FIL, as

he's so useless!)

From my point of view, there is little pain involved, and only a diminishing

sense of sadness - I didn't know her for very long before this all kicked

off and, although she was lovely to me when I was merely a girlfriend she's

been at best frosty since I became a fiancee and onwards! So, I don't have

a long bond of affection with her and mostly I feel desperately for DH and

increasingly hostile and angry to her. I *know* she is ill and needs help.

But she is also viciously malicious and manipulative and she is aiming her

barbs at the people I love best, so my patience and tolerance are

stretched..

Hugs to you, Karina!

Vicki Portman

http://www.plushpants.co.uk