Fw: Washington post

[Guest guest]

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which

they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer

the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run

over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,

including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book

together just before vespers.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist

immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish

expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on

the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word

from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter

and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who

doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining

sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad

vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious

bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come

at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the ATO, which lasts until

you realize it was your money to start with.

And, best of all...

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

engineering mid term. The answer was so " profound " that the Professor shared

it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as

well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas

cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some

variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

" First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need

to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are

leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it

will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are

entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world

today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these

religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can

project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,

we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law

states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the

same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two

possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter

Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell

breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of

souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell

freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Banyan

during my Freshman year, " ...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I

sleep with you. " , and take into account the fact that I still have not

succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and

thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. "

The student received the only " A " given.