Can I offload this? very, very long, sorry...

[Guest guest]

If you do suspect some sort of mental illness/break down why not give the

Community Psychiatric Nurse/Unit a ring? - he/she could then decided if a visit

would be necessary? - and I feel sure they would visit her and she wouldn't have

to go to the Dr's etc.

Or perhaps as some others have said try speaking to her GP, who could also make

a home visit.

What does your FIL think about her behaviour?

Joanne King

SAHM to Ethan - HB 29.06.00

Minute Secretary Colchester & District

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 03/09/2001 15:08:14 GMT Daylight Time,

vicki@... writes:

> Has anybody else been through anything like this?? What did you do?? Please

> give me some ideas, somebody! DH thinks he wants to go on ignoring her, as

> he thinks going over to see her makes her think she's in control, and he

> thinks he can cope, but I don't see how such poison can fail to have an

> effect, do you?

>

That is a shocking story, if you read back over it yourself, you may see that

she has got worse and worse, prehaps mentally. Seems she has made the

decision to look after her mother, then screamed about how unfair it is

afterwards. This behaviour is typical of someone who is depressed, has

problems with esteem etc. Its like an impulsion to do everything without

letting anyone else help, so they can then turn round at a latter date and

throw it in everyone elses face....feeling sorry for yourself in a big way!

I dont think there is much you can do. It seems like all the way through

their childhood, the family has been non communicative (s death being a

big example), and that has made your SIL internalize her feelings. She

probably thinks things over in her head, blows it out of proportion, and as

she has noone around constantly to tell her shes being daft, starts to

believe what she is aying....making her completely irrational.

If I were your DH, I would not rise to an arguement on any level, or even try

and reason with her, shes gone beyond that. The suicide threats show that

she is crying out for help, and she obviously needs counselling or some sort

of phsychiatric help. Prehaps she clinged on to her mum because she never

understood why her brother died, as it was all swept under the carpet.

Does she have any friends? It may be an idea to approach a friend (your FIL

seems pretty useless in all this!) and suggest seeking medical help. I think

if either you or your DH suggest it, you will never hear the end of it!!

Good luck, I think you both may have to forget having any sort of

relationship with her though, shes just too emotionally crippled! If its any

consolation, my MIL is similar in that she is just so completely irrational,

and believes the wild accusations that she has thought up over time, and you

cant reason with her, she just goes on and on....its a no win situation! It

doesnt help that she picks her moments (the birth of my first baby) and shes

so evil, its shocking....she truely is a wicked woman!

Mum to Rohan (6mths)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 03/09/2001 15:08:14 GMT Daylight Time,

vicki@... writes:

> Has anybody else been through anything like this?? What did you do?? Please

> give me some ideas, somebody! DH thinks he wants to go on ignoring her, as

> he thinks going over to see her makes her think she's in control, and he

> thinks he can cope, but I don't see how such poison can fail to have an

> effect, do you?

>

That is a shocking story, if you read back over it yourself, you may see that

she has got worse and worse, prehaps mentally. Seems she has made the

decision to look after her mother, then screamed about how unfair it is

afterwards. This behaviour is typical of someone who is depressed, has

problems with esteem etc. Its like an impulsion to do everything without

letting anyone else help, so they can then turn round at a latter date and

throw it in everyone elses face....feeling sorry for yourself in a big way!

I dont think there is much you can do. It seems like all the way through

their childhood, the family has been non communicative (s death being a

big example), and that has made your SIL internalize her feelings. She

probably thinks things over in her head, blows it out of proportion, and as

she has noone around constantly to tell her shes being daft, starts to

believe what she is aying....making her completely irrational.

If I were your DH, I would not rise to an arguement on any level, or even try

and reason with her, shes gone beyond that. The suicide threats show that

she is crying out for help, and she obviously needs counselling or some sort

of phsychiatric help. Prehaps she clinged on to her mum because she never

understood why her brother died, as it was all swept under the carpet.

Does she have any friends? It may be an idea to approach a friend (your FIL

seems pretty useless in all this!) and suggest seeking medical help. I think

if either you or your DH suggest it, you will never hear the end of it!!

Good luck, I think you both may have to forget having any sort of

relationship with her though, shes just too emotionally crippled! If its any

consolation, my MIL is similar in that she is just so completely irrational,

and believes the wild accusations that she has thought up over time, and you

cant reason with her, she just goes on and on....its a no win situation! It

doesnt help that she picks her moments (the birth of my first baby) and shes

so evil, its shocking....she truely is a wicked woman!

Mum to Rohan (6mths)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 04/09/2001 11:19:25 GMT Daylight Time, CHoneybeee writes:

> In a message dated 03/09/2001 15:08:14 GMT Daylight Time,

> vicki@... writes:

>

>

> >> Has anybody else been through anything like this?? What did you do??

>> Please

>> give me some ideas, somebody! DH thinks he wants to go on ignoring her, as

>> he thinks going over to see her makes her think she's in control, and he

>> thinks he can cope, but I don't see how such poison can fail to have an

>> effect, do you?

>>

>

> That is a shocking story, if you read back over it yourself, you may see

> that she has got worse and worse, prehaps mentally. Seems she has made the

> decision to look after her mother, then screamed about how unfair it is

> afterwards. This behaviour is typical of someone who is depressed, has

> problems with esteem etc. Its like an impulsion to do everything without

> letting anyone else help, so they can then turn round at a latter date and

> throw it in everyone elses face....feeling sorry for yourself in a big way!

>

> I dont think there is much you can do. It seems like all the way through

> their childhood, the family has been non communicative (s death being

> a big example), and that has made your SIL internalize her feelings. She

> probably thinks things over in her head, blows it out of proportion, and as

> she has noone around constantly to tell her shes being daft, starts to

> believe what she is aying....making her completely irrational.

>

> If I were your DH, I would not rise to an arguement on any level, or even

> try and reason with her, shes gone beyond that. The suicide threats show

> that she is crying out for help, and she obviously needs counselling or

> some sort of phsychiatric help. Prehaps she clinged on to her mum because

> she never understood why her brother died, as it was all swept under the

> carpet.

>

> Does she have any friends? It may be an idea to approach a friend (your

> FIL seems pretty useless in all this!) and suggest seeking medical help. I

> think if either you or your DH suggest it, you will never hear the end of

> it!!

>

> Good luck, I think you both may have to forget having any sort of

> relationship with her though, shes just too emotionally crippled! If its

> any consolation, my MIL is similar in that she is just so completely

> irrational, and believes the wild accusations that she has thought up over

> time, and you cant reason with her, she just goes on and on....its a no win

> situation! It doesnt help that she picks her moments (the birth of my

> first baby) and shes so evil, its shocking....she truely is a wicked woman!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all of you for your ideas and support - it means a good deal!

DH and I had a long chat last night - I didn't tell him I'd asked your

advice, but fed him your ideas!

We think that getting a neutral third party to approach her and suggest that

she's totally exhausted her resources is a very good idea - I hadn't thought

in terms of a breakdown, only depression (I have depressive episodes, and I

guess you think of what you know first, don't you?). She has a friend in

London who we're trying to trace. DH isn't sure where exactly, and so I'm

busy phoning through all the Bullocks in the London phone directory! This

would be the ideal scenario, but if we do manage to find this woman we're

going to have to overcome an awful lot of what she's said about DH to win

her trust, I fear... SIL's only other close friend is DH's ex, who we feel

would be only too happy to fuel the DH-is-a-bastard flames, so might be

counter-productive!

Jo and Caroline both suggested involving FIL. I was sceptical about this,

but put it to DH, who snorted. Basically, my FIL refuses to accept that his

youngest child is dead, believes his wife (who's in the terminal stages of

Alzheimers, now - totally dependent on the staff, has lost speech, control

of limbs, recognition, is fed through a tube) will recover and come home.

DH says " He's been no use to either of them, what makes you think he'll be

any use to her " . Sounds harsh, but it's a fair point. His take on SIL is

that " she's having a bit of a rough time " but if she went back to teaching

it'd all be OK. Which chills my blood - this woman is not in a fit state at

the moment to be given charge of children, IMO.

I truly hope it's not manic depression, for our sake and hers: I would like

for it to be something with a more positive outlook. Although, that said,

she's taking herself off to be tested for the Alzheimers gene - against

everyone's advice - so if she's got the gene, god alone knows what will

happen next, but I suspect positive outlooks won't feature large. They both

(SIL and DH) have had extensive counselling about this, as have all their

cousins and all of them have decided there's no point having the test,

except her. All the research indicates that there will be a cure within the

next 15 years - but that's too late for them (though holds hope for our

children, who all have a 50% chance of getting the gene, if DH has it).

I have discussed the possibility of calling the community psychiatric nurse,

but DH thinks she'd see that as a gross betrayal. I can see where he's

coming from, but still think this is the best way forward if we can't track

down the friend. And anyway, am I right in thinking that if we're concerned

she'll harm herself and need to call them in urgently, a bit of background

history will make it easier to convince them there's a serious problem?

Somebody else said (sorry, can't find this post, now) that she seems to have

unusual expectations from her brother, and I totally agree with this. She

has never formed an adult relationship, and I think all her sexual and

emotional expectations are rolled up and directed at him - not healthy at

the best of times, but I have no idea how to tackle this. I've told DH I

don't think it's entirely healthy, but he just looked blank. My Mum (who DH

is very close to) thinks it's positively frightening, and he just doesn't

want to think about it. SIL has often said that the only thing he could

have done that would have satisfied her is to go and live back at home with

her.

Kerry, if your Mum can bear to remember how your aunt's situation was

handled I'd be really grateful to hear - but please don't rake over coals

that are going to be painful: we will find a way through this and I don't

want to stir up anyone else's painful episodes.

Of course, the next thing we need to tackle is Christmas... oh, joy!!

Vicki Portman

http://www.plushpants.co.uk