I am such an awful person

May 4, 2003

In a message dated 5/4/03 2:30:03 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

jorghahaq@... writes:

> I get very upset that he is like this.

> I get upset that he is always in stuff.

> I get upset that he is difficult to deal with in public.

> I keep asking myself " Why couldn't he have been born normal? "

>

yes,yes,yes, and yes. Wish we could offer more than an understanding ear.

The Grammas & Keion

May 4, 2003

We (my boys and I) went to do some gardening on the property where DH is

building our house. We have been working on the land part for several years, so

I have flower beds and a veggie garden etc. Also a river runs through it......

Well took off running for the river so I took off after him and so

(almost 4) didn't know where I was so when I go back, he was crying. I got him

to stop, then went into garage to get garden tool box, 30 sec maybe, took

off the other way running through the woods about 1 foot from a 25 foot drop off

to the river, I take chase and crying. got him (he is quick I must say)...

happily playing in dirt while and I plant a few flowers and says

" Mom why do you always have to pay attention to " then gets up and

walks into flower bed and starts picking the petals off the flowers....I got

upset and yelled " stop it " he started crying a big heartbroken cry......the

worst part...I think I really wanted to yell " stop it, stop being autistic " ....I

know how awful that sounds and I feel so badly for even thinking it.....I never

should have yelled. really is a great boy. Its was just between chasing

him and being upset, I just lost it. I guess the reality of this being a

life time issue that isn't going away over night has hit me. I know I shouldn't

expect to be able to do things like gardening. I knew when I planned to become a

mother that I had to give up things and it is worth it. I normally am not

bothered by not doing some of the adult hobbies because the time with the boys

is so wonderful.......

Ok I am just rambling trying to excuse my behavior........I wonder if after all

the years of planning if we are going to have to move to a different safer piece

of land..I hope I can just spend a sh*tload of money on fences.

May 4, 2003

I don't think for a second you're an awful person. I was just saying

the other day how I feel somewhat resentful that I can't do the

things I want to do.

Imagine how this feels. I honestly did not want to be pregnant with

Zach. I didn't want another child. I expressed it before I ever got

pregnant, and during my entire pregnancy. I talked to my doctor

about it. I convinced myself that since I had a husband now, it

would be easier to raise a child than it was with Alyx as I was

single.

That was all before the autism too.

I love both of my children a great deal. When my almost 3 year old

still acts like a 1 year old, I get mad...and sometimes at him. I

know it's not fair, and I try so hard not to take it out on him.

The last two days he's been very good, and I'm not feeling resentful

right now. But sometimes, it comes over me and I just want to

scream.

If I think about how devistated I'd be if I lost either of my

children...it takes away from when I think of how my life would be

had I never had them. I could not bear to lose them, even if I don't

wanna be mommy sometimes.

There are really cheaper ways to fence a yard even if they're not

pretty, at least they're safe. Maybe look into it. We have some

chicken wire spanned across two pieces of 2x4's for an area in our

yard as a temporary fence. I plan to get the rest chain linked here

before too long.

> We (my boys and I) went to do some gardening on the property where

DH is building our house. We have been working on the land part for

several years, so I have flower beds and a veggie garden etc. Also a

river runs through it...... Well took off running for the

river so I took off after him and so (almost 4) didn't know

where I was so when I go back, he was crying. I got him to stop, then

went into garage to get garden tool box, 30 sec maybe, took

off the other way running through the woods about 1 foot from a 25

foot drop off to the river, I take chase and crying. got him (he is

quick I must say)... happily playing in dirt while and I

plant a few flowers and says " Mom why do you always have to pay

attention to " then gets up and walks into flower bed

and starts picking the petals off the flowers....I got upset and

yelled " stop it " he started crying a big heartbroken cry......the

worst part...I think I really wanted to yell " stop it, stop being

autistic " ....I know how awful that sounds and I feel so badly for

even thinking it.....I never should have yelled. really is a

great boy. Its was just between chasing him and being upset, I

just lost it. I guess the reality of this being a life time issue

that isn't going away over night has hit me. I know I shouldn't

expect to be able to do things like gardening. I knew when I planned

to become a mother that I had to give up things and it is worth it.

I normally am not bothered by not doing some of the adult hobbies

because the time with the boys is so wonderful.......

>

> Ok I am just rambling trying to excuse my behavior........I wonder

if after all the years of planning if we are going to have to move to

a different safer piece of land..I hope I can just spend a sh*tload

of money on fences.

May 4, 2003

> bed and starts picking the petals off the flowers....I got upset

> and yelled " stop it " he started crying a big heartbroken

> cry......the worst part...I think I really wanted to yell " stop

> it, stop being autistic " ....I know how awful that sounds and I

> feel so badly for even thinking it.....I never should have

> yelled. really is a great boy. Its was just between

Been there, done precisely that, have the t-shirt as proof...

> I know I shouldn't expect to be able to do things like gardening.

Well, maybe not with along, anyway! I don't see why you can't have a

garden though. We all need something that is ours, something we do for

ourselves. If all we ever do is give, the well does eventually dry up. We

HAVE to take that time and do those adult things to refill it. It may feel

selfish to take that time away from our children, but in the long term, it

makes us better parents for them. And a garden is a useful thing!

>I hope I can just spend a sh*tload of money on fences.

There ya go.

wears a harness & leash in public, and I have occasionally taken him

outside on the dog's 20-foot long lead to let him run and play. We do not

have a yard and there are no fences here, and it simply is not safe

otherwise. I am contemplating doing this again now that the weather is

nice...it's that, or be locked in the apartment for 72 straight hours every

week...My MIL used to hook Matt up to the clothesline so he could run back

and forth...heh.

You're human. It's OK. Hug your kids & move on.

-Sara.

May 4, 2003

>I think I really wanted to yell " stop it, stop being autistic " ....I

know how awful that sounds and I feel so badly for even thinking

it.....I never should have yelled. >

Okay...first off, you are nowhere near awful. ;-) The prospect of

your kid running full throttle off a cliff is enough to put anyone

into overload---welcome to the world of fright/flight/fight. Then

you add in the guilt of your other child feeling a bit neglected or

hurt that so much attention goes to his sibling...ugh.

For whatever it's worth, I would LOVE for to stop " being

autistic " ...but he never minds me when I say that. :-/

Raena

May 4, 2003

((((())))))

im so sorry you had such a hard time...

And NO, you are NOT an awful person!

I understand exactly what you are saying tho.I

feel the same way, many, many days...and

always feel like shit after thinking that way

too...Your little guy is little yet..it does get

" alittle " easier as they get older. My older son

who is 15 has a hard time with jenna when he is

here, and my 2 year old i think realizes there is

something different with jenna too. I always feel

bad for my other two, since there are some things we

just cant all do together...

just know, you are not a bad mom...we all get

mad now and then...

((((karen))))

nancy

May 4, 2003

, you expressed that so well. Thank you.

Maggie

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May 4, 2003

> There are really cheaper ways to fence a yard even if they're not

> pretty, at least they're safe. Maybe look into it. We have some

Oh, yes -- sometimes there are county programs to help pay for things like

this. Worth looking into! Ask your case manager...

-Sara.

May 4, 2003

makes jokes about invisible fencing and collars on the kids ;0)

Get lost of fencing.

I would start there.

Georga

Visit my new web page at www.ubahbookshelf.com

This tag line space for rent.

I am such an awful person

> We (my boys and I) went to do some gardening on the property where DH is

building our house. We have been working on the land part for several years,

so I have flower beds and a veggie garden etc. Also a river runs through

it...... Well took off running for the river so I took off after him

and so (almost 4) didn't know where I was so when I go back, he was

crying. I got him to stop, then went into garage to get garden tool box, 30

sec maybe, took off the other way running through the woods about 1

foot from a 25 foot drop off to the river, I take chase and crying. got him

(he is quick I must say)... happily playing in dirt while and I

plant a few flowers and says " Mom why do you always have to pay

attention to " then gets up and walks into flower bed and

starts picking the petals off the flowers....I got upset and yelled " stop

it " he started crying a big heartbroken cry......the worst part...I think I

really wanted to yell " stop it,

>

> Ok I am just rambling trying to excuse my behavior........I wonder if

after all the years of planning if we are going to have to move to a

different safer piece of land..I hope I can just spend a sh*tload of money

on fences.

>

May 4, 2003

Around here I have problems with people not wanting to help me keep an eye

on Dalton. It takes three people to keep an eye on him. I am not kidding.

Example, he was just sitting by my chair and now he is in the fridge eating

the jelly. Sigh.

He goes outside now. He has figured out the lock on the door. He was

running around outside yesterday, in the front yard, busy road and all.

People start taking it out on me that he was outside. I was in the freaking

shower.

I don't think that he is a bad kid. A bit of a menance. Very autistic.

People in this house think that it is my responsibility alone to watch him

24/7, even when I am going to the bathroom, taking a shower, cooking, ect.

says he isn't that bad.

is at work most of the time and doesn't have to deal with him.

I get very upset that he is like this.

I get upset that he is always in stuff.

I get upset that he is difficult to deal with in public.

I keep asking myself " Why couldn't he have been born normal? "

Obviously he is a lot worse at this age than the others were. Savannah was

bad, but not like this. She got worse about 4 or 5 and then better.

I just want to scream.

Georga

Visit my new web page at www.ubahbookshelf.com

This tag line space for rent.

Re: I am such an awful person

> I don't think for a second you're an awful person. I was just saying

> the other day how I feel somewhat resentful that I can't do the

> things I want to do.

>

> Imagine how this feels. I honestly did not want to be pregnant with

> Zach. I didn't want another child. I expressed it before I ever got

> pregnant, and during my entire pregnancy. I talked to my doctor

> about it. I convinced myself that since I had a husband now, it

> would be easier to raise a child than it was with Alyx as I was

> single.

>

> That was all before the autism too.

>

> I love both of my children a great deal. When my almost 3 year old

> still acts like a 1 year old, I get mad...and sometimes at him. I

> know it's not fair, and I try so hard not to take it out on him.

>

> The last two days he's been very good, and I'm not feeling resentful

> right now. But sometimes, it comes over me and I just want to

> scream.

>

> If I think about how devistated I'd be if I lost either of my

> children...it takes away from when I think of how my life would be

> had I never had them. I could not bear to lose them, even if I don't

> wanna be mommy sometimes.

>

> There are really cheaper ways to fence a yard even if they're not

> pretty, at least they're safe. Maybe look into it. We have some

> chicken wire spanned across two pieces of 2x4's for an area in our

> yard as a temporary fence. I plan to get the rest chain linked here

> before too long.

>

> > We (my boys and I) went to do some gardening on the property where

> DH is building our house. We have been working on the land part for

> several years, so I have flower beds and a veggie garden etc. Also a

> river runs through it...... Well took off running for the

> river so I took off after him and so (almost 4) didn't know

> where I was so when I go back, he was crying. I got him to stop, then

> went into garage to get garden tool box, 30 sec maybe, took

> off the other way running through the woods about 1 foot from a 25

> foot drop off to the river, I take chase and crying. got him (he is

> quick I must say)... happily playing in dirt while and I

> plant a few flowers and says " Mom why do you always have to pay

> attention to " then gets up and walks into flower bed

> and starts picking the petals off the flowers....I got upset and

> yelled " stop it " he started crying a big heartbroken cry......the

> worst part...I think I really wanted to yell " stop it, stop being

> autistic " ....I know how awful that sounds and I feel so badly for

> even thinking it.....I never should have yelled. really is a

> great boy. Its was just between chasing him and being upset, I

> just lost it. I guess the reality of this being a life time issue

> that isn't going away over night has hit me. I know I shouldn't

> expect to be able to do things like gardening. I knew when I planned

> to become a mother that I had to give up things and it is worth it.

> I normally am not bothered by not doing some of the adult hobbies

> because the time with the boys is so wonderful.......

> >

> > Ok I am just rambling trying to excuse my behavior........I wonder

> if after all the years of planning if we are going to have to move to

> a different safer piece of land..I hope I can just spend a sh*tload

> of money on fences.

>

May 4, 2003

Georga, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you hugs!

Maggie

________________________________________________________________

The best thing to hit the internet in years - Juno SpeedBand!

Surf the web up to FIVE TIMES FASTER!

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May 4, 2003

I will live. LOL!

I am hoping that people will adapt soon to him or something.

Georga

Visit my new web page at www.ubahbookshelf.com

This tag line space for rent.

Re: Re: I am such an awful person

> Georga, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you hugs!

>

> Maggie

>

> ________________________________________________________________

> The best thing to hit the internet in years - Juno SpeedBand!

> Surf the web up to FIVE TIMES FASTER!

> Only $14.95/ month - visit www.juno.com to sign up today!

>

May 4, 2003

Awful person??? NOT!! Hi . I'm so sorry you are having a rough time too.

I know it may sound trite and may not help much but please try and remember that

even with the feelings you're having, you're not alone!! In fact, to be honest

with you, I'm soooooo glad you posted about it because you helped me quite a bit

with some pretty negative feelings I've been having too.

I know you've been dealing with this longer than I have but I do know what

you're talking about and I really believe that it is completely normal. I had a

lot of these same feelings right after Evan was born and I found out about his

heart defect too. Very angry and bitter....two words that come to mind quickly.

Too often people forget that us parents have a lot to deal with too.

Please know we are all here for you and you can say anything you need to

whenever you need to!!!

Debbie E

============================================================

Date: 2003/05/04 Sun PM 01:00:39 EDT

To: <parenting_autism >

Subject: I am such an awful person

============================================================

May 4, 2003

........

>

> Ok I am just rambling trying to excuse my behavior........I wonder if

after all the years of planning if we are going to have to move to a

different safer piece of land..I hope I can just spend a sh*tload of money

on fences.

>

You don't sound awful to me; pretty normal in fact. I bet you can make your

property safe enough somehow with a little creativity and some cold hard

cash...

Salli

May 4, 2003

We have some

> chicken wire spanned across two pieces of 2x4's for an area in our

> yard as a temporary fence. I plan to get the rest chain linked here

> before too long.

>

is quite right. It took me a couple of years to get my yard fenced

the way I wanted it.

Salli

May 4, 2003

The thing that really bothers me about it is this....I never really felt

that way about Savannah. I just accepted it. I accept that Cheyenne has

speech problems and that it might be caused by autism. I accept that Sierra

has some unknown problem. Dalton on the other hand....maybe because he has

been the most difficult.

I am so glad that I had my tubes tied after he was born. There is no way

that I could deal with an infant or another child while dealing with him. I

would have to hurt myself.

Georga

Visit my new web page at www.ubahbookshelf.com

This tag line space for rent.

Re: Re: I am such an awful person

> In a message dated 5/4/03 2:30:03 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> jorghahaq@... writes:

>

> > I get very upset that he is like this.

> > I get upset that he is always in stuff.

> > I get upset that he is difficult to deal with in public.

> > I keep asking myself " Why couldn't he have been born normal? "

> >

>

> yes,yes,yes, and yes. Wish we could offer more than an understanding ear.

>

> The Grammas & Keion

>

May 4, 2003

I am considering making a chicken and barbed wire gate for my kitchen to

keep Dalton out.

Georga

Visit my new web page at www.ubahbookshelf.com

This tag line space for rent.

Re: Re: I am such an awful person

> We have some

> > chicken wire spanned across two pieces of 2x4's for an area in our

> > yard as a temporary fence. I plan to get the rest chain linked here

> > before too long.

> >

> is quite right. It took me a couple of years to get my yard fenced

> the way I wanted it.

>

> Salli

>

May 4, 2003

My vote is for the fences!

Sorry it makes you feel so bad. I guess I got off the hook on that type of

guilt since both of mine required the extra care. was so laid back

that it didn't phase him that I had to run after . We just didn't

spend much time outdoors until we got the yard fenced.

Don't feel bad about yelling. We all hit that point, sometimes more often

than others.

Sue

May 4, 2003

Hell, I am starting to wonder if would let us fence the front yard.....

Georga

Visit my new web page at www.ubahbookshelf.com

This tag line space for rent.

Re: I am such an awful person

> My vote is for the fences!

> Sorry it makes you feel so bad. I guess I got off the hook on that type

of

> guilt since both of mine required the extra care. was so laid back

> that it didn't phase him that I had to run after . We just didn't

> spend much time outdoors until we got the yard fenced.

> Don't feel bad about yelling. We all hit that point, sometimes more often

> than others.

>

> Sue

>

May 4, 2003

>>I would LOVE for to stop " being

autistic " ...but he never minds me when I say that. :-/<< thanks for posting

this, I feel guilty for wishing it but am glad to know I am not the only one.

Re: I am such an awful person

>I think I really wanted to yell " stop it, stop being autistic " ....I

know how awful that sounds and I feel so badly for even thinking

it.....I never should have yelled. >

Okay...first off, you are nowhere near awful. ;-) The prospect of

your kid running full throttle off a cliff is enough to put anyone

into overload---welcome to the world of fright/flight/fight. Then

you add in the guilt of your other child feeling a bit neglected or

hurt that so much attention goes to his sibling...ugh.

For whatever it's worth, I would LOVE for to stop " being

autistic " ...but he never minds me when I say that. :-/

Raena

May 4, 2003

Your'e not an awful person, , just a tired

overwhelmed mom. It is hard to give up little pieces

of yourself. Sometimes it's necessary but it still

sucks. I go through " why can't I have nice things "

phases and often I get so sick of having to lock

everything up, but then does something or says

something that reminds me how much I love him, and

suddenly all the scarifices seem worth it, you know?

Hang in there hon, we're with you.

Tuna

=====

mom to:

, 8, ASD

, 4, NT

Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.

- Whoopi Goldberg

______________________________________________________________________

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May 4, 2003

Theresa, thanks for sharing your thoughts, it makes me feel better.

>>When my almost 3 year old still acts like a 1 year old<< this is something

that I am having a hard time with and explaining to people. when they say, just

look how cute and fun he is, I agree and having a 1 yr is fun, for 1 yr not 3

yrs LOL...but we will make it right?