Help from the dads out there

May 2, 2003

Jeff cleaned up as much as he could but in the end i decided it would be a

much nicer break if he would watch seni and I could clean without

interuption! I got some cabinets reorganized. Strange way to spend a holiday

I know.

Sounds fun to me. Cleaning without interruption is fun.

Salli

May 12, 2003

I could really use some advice and help from any dads out there. Yesterday was

just awful. I could go into details but it is just depressing. Basically Jeff

wanted to give me a nice relaxing mother's day and what I got what totally chaos

with screaming children and burnt food and a mess to clean that will take me all

week! Jeff felt hopeless and depressed. He said he now realizes he cannot even

take care of his own children. I appreciate that he really understands how hard

the job can be but he was really upset by this. I guess he always figured he

could do it as well as I did or at least that he could do it for a day. I have

always found Jeff to be a very involved father. He has attended all IEPs and any

therapies he could and testing and results and everyday play and disipline. Jeff

handles Greggory pretty well. In fact he is excellent with Greggory 90% of the

time. The other 10% we just disagree and try to work things out. Alec and

Yessenia seem to be his greatest challenges. Mine too to be honest. Yessenia is

very demanding. She is needy and clingy. Jeff has a hard time learning how to

adjust to her needing and wanting to be social and she isnt a loner. She craves

affection and attenion. She screams when she is made to wait too long. Jeff just

figures she is spoiled and needs to learn how to deal with things and how to

play on her own. This is hard for us because both of the boys were so different.

I am thinking it would not be a good idea to have Yessenia quite so independant.

I worry about her but I think that while her need for us is trying it is a good

thing. Then Alec. Alec is so stubborn it isnt even funny. Jeff has a total

obsession with getting the kids to eat what we are eating. Last night we had

MacN cheese. Alec eats this but last night he wanted a candybar instead. Jeff of

course said no and really so did I. But Alec wanted down out of his chair. I

scooped him up and put him back. He whined but then settled in figuring he would

have a stare off with the bowl of food. Jeff wanted him to eat it. I did not

interfere. Jeff eventually was holding Alec down and trying to get him to eat

the food. Alec vomitted and screamed and I am sure that this time he made

himself vomit. ugh. It was ugly in there but I didnt feel I should interfere as

he wasnt hurting alec or even scaring him but Alec was in typical Alec mode.

Alec eventually almost pulled his shoulders out of their sockets to get away

from Jeff. ugh. Jeff was holding his arms but alec was doing the pulling. I know

exactly what this is like as Alec tries to do this with me to. It was at that

point Jeff took him upstairs and cleaned Alec up and put him to bed. In 30

minutes Alec came down in a pull up and tap shoes and was dancing around the

house. Jeff was very deflated and told me he can't handle Alec anymore. I dont

know how to help Jeff. I think Jeff is hoping beyond hope that he can help Alec.

What can I do for Jeff? How can I help him feel that he can take care of the

kids? How can I help him let go of somethings that the kids just arent ready

for?

Jacquie H

May 12, 2003

I thought that was the way every mothers day went! Seriously, us

husbands do more damage than good when we get in the kitchen....

especially when there are kids involved. Give the little woman a hand

cleaning so it don't take a week. You don't have to be right there

doing the job....maybe taking the kids out for a bit would give her

the time she needs to straighten up.

Jeff, I try and take care of zach on my weekends just to give teresa

a break. There are days when he is just a little darling and there

are days that he is the devil in a 3 year old's body. I know exactly

why there are days that teresa is standing at the door holding him

out and saying......HERE....HE'S YOUR KID NOW. I have those days too,

and sometimes it is only for a couple hours. I have much respect for

my wife. Even on the days I come home and she shoves the baby at me

she still helps to take care of him when I take a bath or leave to go

to the store. I don't know how she does it even when she is about to

go thru the roof she is still a kind, giving mother. When I am about

to blow my top I have to step outside for a while.

Jeff, to me being a father is being there for the children and wife

when they need you the most. Kudos to you for being an involved

parent. Don't let one bad day hinder how you feel about your

abilities to be a parent.

I,myself, have issuse with our daughter she seems to clingy to me

also. She is always, ALWAYS saying I love you dad. I mean it is to

the point she says it and I walk outside and come back 15 seconds

later and she has to say it again. I love the girl dearly but her

need to express her love is scary for me. I know the reason she does

this, she yearns to have a father that loves her and won't leave her

(I adopted her). I think she is scared that I will leave and she

makes it a point to tell me as much as possible so I won't leave her.

I think she may feel that the previous male figure's reason for

leaving may have been her fault for whatever reason. All I can do is

try and let her know I am not going anywhere and I love her. I just

hope she grows out of this stage before she gets a boyfriend. I don't

want to see her getting used because she is always trying to please

the husband and not herself.

Concerning the eating issue.....every child is different. But, I

think both of you need to make a stand together against his eating

the wrong foods. Personally I would let the child sit at the table

till he/she eats. If he/she doesn't then send them to bed. Eventually

the kid will get hungry and eat. Everyone has their own way of

dealing with this eating problem. Nobody knows what is right or what

will work for each child. Just be patient and be prepared for a long

battle.

I am always telling the daughter...how old are you....quit talking

like a 5 year old... But, I have come to the conclusion that my

ranting is not going to make a difference. Just let her grow on her

own and maybe one day that light will kick on and she will realize

that her behaviors where very abrasive towards people and she will

change......that or she will wonder why she has no friends. Natural

consequences are a wonderful thing.

Keep your head up man, raising autistic kids is much harder than what

people might think. You are a better man than you know.

May 12, 2003

I say we need to clone YOU, Shanley.

Maggie

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May 12, 2003

In a message dated 5/12/03 4:18:27 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

shanley_n_teresa@... writes:

> Keep your head up man, raising autistic kids is much harder than what

> people might think. You are a better man than you know.

>

And you are a jewel indeed. What wonderful compassionate advice.

The Grammas & Keion

May 12, 2003

I don't have any dad advice, but it looks like a tipical men actitud. He

is trying to fix him and since he cannot do it. He feels he is failing.

I guess, only time and a lot of understanding and a reflexion about

Alec's difficulties might help him handle this better.

Cecilia from Perú, mom to Dessirée (05/07/99)

Lovely husband

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-----Mensaje original-----

De: Jacquie

Enviado el: Lunes, 12 de Mayo de 2003 12:19 p.m.

Para: parenting_autism

Asunto: Help from the dads out there

I could really use some advice and help from any dads out there.

Yesterday was just awful. I could go into details but it is just

depressing. Basically Jeff wanted to give me a nice relaxing mother's

day and what I got what totally chaos with screaming children and burnt

food and a mess to clean that will take me all week! Jeff felt hopeless

and depressed. He said he now realizes he cannot even take care of his

own children. I appreciate that he really understands how hard the job

can be but he was really upset by this. I guess he always figured he

could do it as well as I did or at least that he could do it for a day.

I have always found Jeff to be a very involved father. He has attended

all IEPs and any therapies he could and testing and results and everyday

play and disipline. Jeff handles Greggory pretty well. In fact he is

excellent with Greggory 90% of the time. The other 10% we just disagree

and try to work things out. Alec and Yessenia seem to be his greatest

challenges. Mine too to be honest. Yessenia is very demanding. She is

needy and clingy. Jeff has a hard time learning how to adjust to her

needing and wanting to be social and she isnt a loner. She craves

affection and attenion. She screams when she is made to wait too long.

Jeff just figures she is spoiled and needs to learn how to deal with

things and how to play on her own. This is hard for us because both of

the boys were so different. I am thinking it would not be a good idea to

have Yessenia quite so independant. I worry about her but I think that

while her need for us is trying it is a good thing. Then Alec. Alec is

so stubborn it isnt even funny. Jeff has a total obsession with getting

the kids to eat what we are eating. Last night we had MacN cheese. Alec

eats this but last night he wanted a candybar instead. Jeff of course

said no and really so did I. But Alec wanted down out of his chair. I

scooped him up and put him back. He whined but then settled in figuring

he would have a stare off with the bowl of food. Jeff wanted him to

eat it. I did not interfere. Jeff eventually was holding Alec down and

trying to get him to eat the food. Alec vomitted and screamed and I am

sure that this time he made himself vomit. ugh. It was ugly in there but

I didnt feel I should interfere as he wasnt hurting alec or even scaring

him but Alec was in typical Alec mode. Alec eventually almost pulled his

shoulders out of their sockets to get away from Jeff. ugh. Jeff was

holding his arms but alec was doing the pulling. I know exactly what

this is like as Alec tries to do this with me to. It was at that point

Jeff took him upstairs and cleaned Alec up and put him to bed. In 30

minutes Alec came down in a pull up and tap shoes and was dancing around

the house. Jeff was very deflated and told me he can't handle Alec

anymore. I dont know how to help Jeff. I think Jeff is hoping beyond

hope that he can help Alec. What can I do for Jeff? How can I help him

feel that he can take care of the kids? How can I help him let go of

somethings that the kids just arent ready for?

Jacquie H

May 13, 2003

eats alot now (except at school) this is what we did. She still has a

HORRIBLE time sitting at the table. If it's something mushy I tap my finger

into it and tap it on her lip. That's it. I don't push. We have a three sit

rule. After the third time that she gets up she has to clear her plate. If

she doesn't eat so what it won't kill her. Of course I've never had to be

concerned about her weight and if I was that would be a different story.

I think by putting it on her instead of me it's alot easier. I've sure

you've tried stuff like this however. They have a really good feeding clinic

here at CHOP if you'd like I'll see if my friend that went there has any

worksheets.

Hugs

May 13, 2003

Hi Jacquie, haven't seen you in a while : )

Ah yes, the food struggles. I know that story all too well.

I am sympathetic. As the parent, you want the children to obey, especially

when the request is reasonable. However it is important to keep in mind

with food, that it is frequently not so much an issue of compliance as it is

sensory issues with the food itself or the sensation of hunger. Around here

we used to do a lot of restraining to get n to at least *try* his food.

And while this worked a little bit for a while, it can't be done anymore, he

just won't tolerate it. It's hard when all he will eat is applesauce and

pretzels, but he is beyond that age where I can *make* him eat.

I think sometimes it is easier for the " non-primary care giver " (trying to

be PC since we have men on the list now) to maintain more positive attitudes

throughout the ASD experience. Mostly because no matter how great they are,

or how helpful, until you are truly in the trenches, you can't grasp just

how hard it is. I like to remind my dh that it *is* really really hard, and

that I'm not better at it, I've just had a lot more practice. It seems to

me that Jeff's feelings of exasperation and deflation are very normal. Who

among us has not had that feeling at least one a week (if not many times a

day).

Perhaps Jeff needs PA? lol

(SAHM in GA)

Chat! MSN elizabethloht@...

n 34, mo, no formal dx

Phoebe, 3 mo

Help from the dads out there

> I could really use some advice and help from any dads out there. Yesterday

was just awful. I could go into details but it is just depressing. Basically

Jeff wanted to give me a nice relaxing mother's day and what I got what

totally chaos with screaming children and burnt food and a mess to clean

that will take me all week! Jeff felt hopeless and depressed. He said he now

realizes he cannot even take care of his own children. I appreciate that he

really understands how hard the job can be but he was really upset by this.

I guess he always figured he could do it as well as I did or at least that

he could do it for a day. I have always found Jeff to be a very involved

father. He has attended all IEPs and any therapies he could and testing and

results and everyday play and disipline. Jeff handles Greggory pretty well.

In fact he is excellent with Greggory 90% of the time. The other 10% we just

disagree and try to work things out. Alec and Yessenia seem to be his

greatest challenges. Mine too to be honest. Yessenia is very demanding. She

is needy and clingy. Jeff has a hard time learning how to adjust to her

needing and wanting to be social and she isnt a loner. She craves affection

and attenion. She screams when she is made to wait too long. Jeff just

figures she is spoiled and needs to learn how to deal with things and how to

play on her own. This is hard for us because both of the boys were so

different. I am thinking it would not be a good idea to have Yessenia quite

so independant. I worry about her but I think that while her need for us is

trying it is a good thing. Then Alec. Alec is so stubborn it isnt even

funny. Jeff has a total obsession with getting the kids to eat what we are

eating. Last night we had MacN cheese. Alec eats this but last night he

wanted a candybar instead. Jeff of course said no and really so did I. But

Alec wanted down out of his chair. I scooped him up and put him back. He

whined but then settled in figuring he would have a stare off with the bowl

of food. Jeff wanted him to eat it. I did not interfere. Jeff eventually

was holding Alec down and trying to get him to eat the food. Alec vomitted

and screamed and I am sure that this time he made himself vomit. ugh. It was

ugly in there but I didnt feel I should interfere as he wasnt hurting alec

or even scaring him but Alec was in typical Alec mode. Alec eventually

almost pulled his shoulders out of their sockets to get away from Jeff. ugh.

Jeff was holding his arms but alec was doing the pulling. I know exactly

what this is like as Alec tries to do this with me to. It was at that point

Jeff took him upstairs and cleaned Alec up and put him to bed. In 30 minutes

Alec came down in a pull up and tap shoes and was dancing around the house.

Jeff was very deflated and told me he can't handle Alec anymore. I dont know

how to help Jeff. I think Jeff is hoping beyond hope that he can help Alec.

What can I do for Jeff? How can I help him feel that he can take care of the

kids? How can I help him let go of somethings that the kids just arent ready

for?

> Jacquie H

>

May 13, 2003

In a message dated 5/12/03 4:18:27 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> shanley_n_teresa@y... writes:

>

> > Keep your head up man, raising autistic kids is much harder than

what

> > people might think. You are a better man than you know.

,

you are a very lucky woman, to have

a guy like this, who really understands!!!!

nancy

May 13, 2003

>>They have a really good feeding clinic here at CHOP if you'd like I'll see if

my friend that went there has any worksheets.<< I would be interested and

I will pay the cost of coping and mailing. within the last 2 months has

become a " not great " eater from a GREAT eater and my NT son isn't eating great

either.

Thanks!!

Warm Regards

Mom to ASD 11/25/00 & 5/10/99

In Maine

Re: Help from the dads out there