Guest guest Posted November 19, 2003 Report Share Posted November 19, 2003 I dont know who else to load this on; I doubt anybody would understand anyway. Maybe it is cabin fever; or maybe because I am not healing as quickly as I would like. It has hounded my thoughts for some time, always creeping in to my subconscience mind, I push it back to the dark corner where it belongs. Now it has found its way into my dreams, haunting me when I am most vunerable and should be at peace. I dont know how to explain, or even to whom I should, or maybe just putting it in written word will place it some where else for a little while. I have a constant lump in my throat; tears to follow at any second. It is not self pity; it is guilt. I just cant stop thinking that this is my punishment for all the wrong doings in my life. I should stand up accept my sentence of daily pain as a constant reminder of how I should have done things differently. That I am the creator of the deamon that pierces me from within for only the slightest of movements. That I deserve this. Pay my pennance serve my sentence for life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2003 Report Share Posted November 19, 2003 , This disease is not a punishment for past " crimes " . Please let this go and realize that God does not " punish " people. I am not a very religius person but I know that GOD is a good GOd and he does exact punishment on our poor souls, Remember he is all forgiving. I myself start feeling this way sometimes too. Think about the good things in your life and try to hold those things close to your heart when you feel this way. I firmly believe we are put here on earth to learn things. Maybe our purpose with disease is make the way for others after us easier. Maybe our suffering is meant to be a means to end so to speak. Maybe we are suffering because through our suffering we will help others to be healed, maybe we are leading the way to cures of othe diseases. Remember that we here in this group to help each other. Please don't hold these feelings in, let them out and we can work on them together. I am also sure that maybe even your friends and family can tell something is wrong and they may be waiting for you to be comfortable enough with whatever it is bothering you to tell them. Also, , think of this......you are here for others on this board with lots of words of wisdom and comfort. If you did not have this disease you would not be such an active part of this group. I know for a fact that I have taken comfort in your post many times. So let's put a new twist on your feelings..... maybe you are sick because you were meant to be on this board helping others. I know that I am thankful for you. I am sorry that you are suffering but without your suffering so many of us would not have had the pleasure of your post. We are here for you just as you have been here for us. If you feel a need to discuss this more please e-mail me at chamberslm@.... I would be happy to chat with you and help you throught this tough time. We all care about you and we don't want you to feel guilty because you have this disease. Ask GOD to forgive you your past indescretions and he will forgive them, unconditionally. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Again if you just to chat please feel free. Simi Valley, CA > > > Date: 2003/11/19 Wed PM 07:05:51 PST > To: pancreatitis > Subject: Its my own fault > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 I too have wondered what on earth I did that was so bad to deserve everything that has been dealt to me with my health. I do know that I have not been bad enough to be put through what I have gone through and am now having to face. It seems that I deal with one obstacle, only to have another one thrown in my path. I cry every now and then and ask why am I being punished with so much pain...is it because I used to smoke?..well God, I gave that up 10 years ago to help with my health...I only drank alcohol occasionally (maybe a handful of times a year) I didn't really like the taste of much alcohol, and gave it up completely 6 years ago. I wasn't that bad as a kid..I hardly ever disobeyed my parents..I have also been told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle...so what?..I've had to handle more than the average person and still get more thrown to me to deal with. I have become a stronger person for it, but geez..how strong do I have to become? Perhaps now it is my lot in life to teach my husband to deal with my illnesses, or to show my daughter to be strong for us and herself also??? My mother has a hereditary colon cancer illness that all of us kids have been lucky to inherit. She suffered through many operations for it..lost her mother to it at 13, and her brother at 27. She played mum to her sister and brother when their mother died. I know my mum wasn't being punished, for she never did anything wrong to deserve it. She was brought up in the era when kids did no wrongs if you can understand what I mean. I then thought well, maybe I am being made to suffer with all of these illnessess, colon polyps, pancreatitis and now desmoid tumours so that doctors can learn from me. All of these illnesses are still a mystery to the medical profession and I know that with more cases being presented before them, one day they will make headway..perhaps this is why we have been chosen to have this. I don't think it is fair that we have to suffer in pain..I know there is a reason behind it, I just wish it didn't hurt us all so much and that we could at least know the reason why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 In a message dated 11/19/2003 11:43:56 PM Mountain Standard Time, chamberslm@... writes: , This disease is not a punishment for past " crimes " . Please let this go and realize that God does not " punish " people. I believe this, too. God is a loving, forgiving God. He does not punish. Any ills or pains or hard times we go through are challenges we deal with. If God gives us a challenge, it means we take it, learn from it and grow from it. My grandfather was a nationally known Presbyterian minister who wrote several books and whose sermons have been quoted widely and printed in numerous theological texts always believed that God puts us on Earth for a purpose, and that He never wants his children to suffer, but that he gives us suffering to make us more caring, more empathetic to others in light of our suffering. We may err, we may make bad judgments, and we may hurt our bodies with our lifestyles, but God is a loving God, and he is with us no matter what. If we are in pain, we suffer. But God never said we wouldn't suffer. He gives us suffering to learn from. We may not understand when God calls little children home, like Myrna's grandson, or so many of the other innocents who die, but there is a purpose, a reasoning for what God does. It may not always be apparent, but there is a message there when we are ready to see it. For example: In 1988 we adopted a 4 year old boy through the Denver Department of Social Services. They assured us he was perfectly normal and healthy. He wasn't. He lied, stole, ran away and got arrested when he was 9. We finally had him tested, and it turned out he had full blown Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, was mentally retarded (IQ of 64) and was a huge behavioural problem. Our daughters who were 11 and 13 in 1988, were trying to be understanding and supportive, but our son's behaviour was too much for them. He's still living with us at age 19, but he functions as an 8 year old. A year later, we were contacted by Denver DSS and asked if we'd like to adopt a two week old baby boy who was dumped in a Porta-Potty. We did. He's now 14 and has learning disabilities. We've homeschooled both boys as the public school system couldn't deal with our older son's behavioural problems, and our younger son needed one-on-one attention. God gave us these boys, and our son with FAS has tested and still tests our limits daily. And with me now having CP, I'm tested again. I believe we can't be stronger until we are tested. It would be nice if we could all go through life never having a bad day, but that's not going to happen. To dwell on our challenges is not effective. Dealing and growing through our challenges is what makes us stronger. Sorry this is such a long missive. But, bottom line, God does not punish. He loves and nourishes. Marcy Pile high the hickory and the light Log of chestnmt struck by the blight Welcom in the winter night......... Edna St. Millay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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