Men in denial about their children's illness, cystic fibrosis?

[Guest guest]

My husband felt, himself, that he was in some degree of denial both

about my own illness and our third child's wcf. What he did was go to

a father's group at our then HMO and really whoop it up! The change

was rapid, rewarding and permanent. He said that society teaches

men that their ownly value is to earn money and " fix things, " and as they

cannot " fix " their own biological child, they just focus on earning money

and on professional or work achievement. This may be one reason why those

who marry someone with an ill or handicapped child adapt

more readily; it is a choice.

Made sense to me. I do not know whether this is true of a large percen

tage of men, but in my former profession, my sad experience was that

men were often ashamed and embarrassed by the illness, handicap or

disability of their child or children, especially when they were told it was

genetic, feeling that, as men, they had to be so " perfect. " This is

certainly one way of looking at it in our society.

What I knew was that my husband was kind, devoted, participated in

the care of all our children, and not only because of my own medical

problems, but because as a teacher, he had the time, and was grate

ful for it. Most men do not have that time and may be feeling a bit

guilty and not know how to compensate for this appropriately.

I think that all kids need real parents, or caregivers, be they a conven

tional male-female married set of parents, a gay couple, multiple

caregivers in one home, or a single parent, adoptive parents or care

givers, foster parents of those caring for special needs children. Kids

need as many adults, be they adult friends or relatives around, to en

courage them as is possible.

Enough said from one person with cystic fibrosis who comes from a

large family of origin and a large clan and has lots of friends of differ

ing ages!

Love to all at cfparents,

n Rojas