Jokes

[Guest guest]

>A man runs into the ER and yells > > > > >"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" > > > > >I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted > > > > >the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. > > > > >Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the > wrong > > > > one. > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope > > > > >on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. > > > > >"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the > > patient. > > > > > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I > > > > >told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial > > > > >infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting > > > > >to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal > fart. > > " > > > > > > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >I was performing a complete physical, including the > > > > >visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart > > > > >and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the > > > > >20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. > > > > >"Now both," I requested. > > > > >There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. > > > > >I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; > > > > >he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was > > > > >laughing too hard to finish the exam. > > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the > > > > >patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. > > > > >This is a one-seater!" > > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >During a patient's two week follow-up appointment > > > > >with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having > > > > >trouble with one of is medications. > > > > >"Which one?", asked the doctor. > > > > >"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and > > now > > > > > > > > >I'm running out of places to put it!" > > > > >The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered > > > > >what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty > > > > >patches on his body! Now the instructions > > > > >include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, > > > > >I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of > > > > >complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty > > > > >years-when my husband was still alive." > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, > > > > >"So how's your breakfast this morning?" > > > > >"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem > > > > >to get used to the taste," the patient replied. > > > > >I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced > > > > >a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >The Surgeon's Note: > > > > >A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a > > > > >young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, > > > > >sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. > > > > >It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, > > > > >so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. > > > > >When she was completely disrobed on the operating > > > > >table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, > > > > >and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." > > > > >Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note > > > > >on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > >And of course, the best is saved for last: A lady walked into a > > > > >pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have > Viagra?" > > > > >"Yes," he answered. > > > > >She asked, "Does it work?" > > > > >"Yes," he answered. > > > > >"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. > > > > >"I can if I take two,"