Re: Relaxing by candlelight

[Guest guest]

very cute, squeek

--- Ted Staniec wrote:

> You can't believe everything you see on TV and in

> the movies. For example, babies DON'T turn into

> teenagers overnight because it moves the story along

> faster. Most old houses AREN'T haunted and the best

> way to check is NOT to go into the basement in your

> underwear. And just because it looks relaxing and

> sexy, taking a bubble bath by candlelight CAN

> ACTUALLY increase your stress, instead of

> vice-versa.

> I found the last one out the hard way. It had been

> one of those days. You know the kind I mean: The

> phone rang at 3:30 a.m. and when I picked it up, a

> fax tone screeched in my ear. Four hours later, I

> went out to my garage to recycle the newspaper and

> discovered my car had a flat tire AND the water

> heater was leaking again. Later that evening, one of

> my dachshunds decided to eat my tulip bulbs instead

> of dinner. One of those days.

> That night I decided what I really needed was a

> long, hot bath. And not just any old bath, I thought

> to myself, I want candles, lots of candles.

> Quickly

> I gathered up all I could find and marched into the

> bathroom. Now, I've learned enough about bathing by

> candlelight to know that for a relaxing bath, the

> best scents are lavender or ylang-ylang, but as

> usual, I had to make do with what we had around the

> house, which was: two vanilla votives, a cucumber

> pillar, and the nubs of two pumpkin-pie scent

> tapers.

> Unfortunately, I don't own one of those fancy new

> tubs with a wide ledge where you can grow plants and

> cool freshly-baked pies, so I put my candles on the

> back of the toilet and lit them. Then I ran the

> bathwater. So far, so good.

> I looked under the sink for bubble bath, but the

> closest I came was toilet cleanser, so I headed into

> the kitchen for the dishwashing detergent. It

> promised to make me smell like a mountain spring and

> leave no greasy residue.

> Good enough for me.

> By the time the water was deep enough, a few of the

> candles had started to drip on the toilet seat (ever

> notice how that never happens in the movies and on

> TV?). I chose to ignore this minor detail and got

> into the tub.

> Aaah. The water temperature was perfect. I closed my

> eyes and pretended to be in a fancy health spa

> somewhere in the desert. I took a few deep cleansing

> breaths. The smell was a little overwhelming, but I

> had managed to leave my troubles outside the

> bathroom door for a minute and I was bound and

> determined to enjoy my small victory.

> Suddenly I smelled a different aroma. Kind of

> woodsy, with a hint of barbecue. I opened my eyes

> slightly only to see that the hand towel hanging

> next to toilet had caught fire! In a flash, I jumped

> up out of the tub and tossed the towel into the bath

> water. Fortunately, my quick thinking put the towel

> fire out. Unfortunately, as I flung the towel in the

> tub, it ignited the shower curtain and a red-hot

> hole had started melting it's way through. Then, the

> smoke detector went off. My heart started racing.

> I yanked the shower curtain off the rod and stuffed

> it in the tub. That worked pretty well except for

> the fact that the curtain rod ripped out of the wall

> and sheet rock spilled all over everything. Then I

> ran naked down the hall, grabbed the smoke detector,

> and took it into another room where there was no

> smoke for it to detect. Unfortunately, as I stood

> naked except for a few not-strategically-placed

> dishwashing liquid bubbles, waving my smoke detector

> back and forth, my next-door neighbor walked past my

> front window. He pretended not to notice me, but I

> know better. I'm pretty sure that I'll be featured

> in the next quarterly subdivision newsletter, under

> the category " Neighbors To Watch Out For. "

> I headed back to the bathroom to survey the damage.

> The smell was really not relaxing now. If they have

> a candle with that smell, it's probably called

> " Honey, I Burnt Dinner, Including the Salad. " The

> toilet seat was covered with candle wax and

> sheetrock dust. The tub was filled with semi-burnt

> bathroom accessories. And the candles had blackened

> the wall and the underside of the medicine chest.

> This never happens in the movies!

> So here's what I'm thinking. The next time I'm in

> the mood for a nice bath, I think I'll use a

> flashlight. It's got to be more relaxing.

>

>

=====

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[Guest guest]

Sharon, excellent! Have you thought about writing a newspaper humor column? This one is good enough for you to submit. Think about it, OK? Love, Judy Re: Relaxing by candlelight very cute, squeek--- Ted Staniec wrote:> You can't believe everything you see on TV and in> the movies. For example, babies DON'T turn into> teenagers overnight because it moves the story along> faster. Most old houses AREN'T haunted and the best> way to check is NOT to go into the basement in your> underwear. And just because it looks relaxing and> sexy, taking a bubble bath by candlelight CAN> ACTUALLY increase your stress, instead of> vice-versa.> I found the last one out the hard way. It had been> one of those days. You know the kind I mean: The> phone rang at 3:30 a.m. and when I picked it up, a> fax tone screeched in my ear. Four hours later, I> went out to my garage to recycle the newspaper and> discovered my car had a flat tire AND the water> heater was leaking again. Later that evening, one of> my dachshunds decided to eat my tulip bulbs instead> of dinner. One of those days.> That night I decided what I really needed was a> long, hot bath. And not just any old bath, I thought> to myself, I want candles, lots of candles.> Quickly> I gathered up all I could find and marched into the> bathroom. Now, I've learned enough about bathing by> candlelight to know that for a relaxing bath, the> best scents are lavender or ylang-ylang, but as> usual, I had to make do with what we had around the> house, which was: two vanilla votives, a cucumber> pillar, and the nubs of two pumpkin-pie scent> tapers.> Unfortunately, I don't own one of those fancy new> tubs with a wide ledge where you can grow plants and> cool freshly-baked pies, so I put my candles on the> back of the toilet and lit them. Then I ran the> bathwater. So far, so good.> I looked under the sink for bubble bath, but the> closest I came was toilet cleanser, so I headed into> the kitchen for the dishwashing detergent. It> promised to make me smell like a mountain spring and> leave no greasy residue.> Good enough for me.> By the time the water was deep enough, a few of the> candles had started to drip on the toilet seat (ever> notice how that never happens in the movies and on> TV?). I chose to ignore this minor detail and got> into the tub.> Aaah. The water temperature was perfect. I closed my> eyes and pretended to be in a fancy health spa> somewhere in the desert. I took a few deep cleansing> breaths. The smell was a little overwhelming, but I> had managed to leave my troubles outside the> bathroom door for a minute and I was bound and> determined to enjoy my small victory.> Suddenly I smelled a different aroma. Kind of> woodsy, with a hint of barbecue. I opened my eyes> slightly only to see that the hand towel hanging> next to toilet had caught fire! In a flash, I jumped> up out of the tub and tossed the towel into the bath> water. Fortunately, my quick thinking put the towel> fire out. Unfortunately, as I flung the towel in the> tub, it ignited the shower curtain and a red-hot> hole had started melting it's way through. Then, the> smoke detector went off. My heart started racing.> I yanked the shower curtain off the rod and stuffed> it in the tub. That worked pretty well except for> the fact that the curtain rod ripped out of the wall> and sheet rock spilled all over everything. Then I> ran naked down the hall, grabbed the smoke detector,> and took it into another room where there was no> smoke for it to detect. Unfortunately, as I stood> naked except for a few not-strategically-placed> dishwashing liquid bubbles, waving my smoke detector> back and forth, my next-door neighbor walked past my> front window. He pretended not to notice me, but I> know better. I'm pretty sure that I'll be featured> in the next quarterly subdivision newsletter, under> the category "Neighbors To Watch Out For."> I headed back to the bathroom to survey the damage.> The smell was really not relaxing now. If they have> a candle with that smell, it's probably called> "Honey, I Burnt Dinner, Including the Salad." The> toilet seat was covered with candle wax and> sheetrock dust. The tub was filled with semi-burnt> bathroom accessories. And the candles had blackened> the wall and the underside of the medicine chest.> This never happens in the movies!> So here's what I'm thinking. The next time I'm in> the mood for a nice bath, I think I'll use a> flashlight. It's got to be more relaxing.>>=====__________________________________________________