Cant seem to shake this guilt

[Guest guest]

Some of ya'll may know that I have not spoken to my siblings in well

over a year. I haave been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt as I

feel I should tell them that my condition may be an hereditary

issue. But the thought of speaking to these extrememly nasty people

just makes my heart race. I was reminded recently of the last

Christmas my mother had in her home. Mother was too frail to shop

for gifts for all her children and grandchilren and it had her very

depressed. I went out and did the shopping for her, shipped the

gifts to her children and grands in OK and AK. Bought all the gifts

for the ones here, even a bike for my alcoholic iv drug abusive

brother. d them all down there, 40 miles, to my mothers home

along with the entire Christmas meal that I started at 4am. I had

always cooked the most of the meal for years and carried it down.

When we arrived everybody was already there and yelling at me for

being so late. I laughed it off, my husband was starting to get

mad. I had the first surgery in Ocotber of that year and had not

been healing well. Anyway I laughed it off, brought in all the

beautifully wrapped gifts, but the food in the oven on the stove,

got the bike out andpresented to my brother, with my Mom sitting in

her chair with a huge grin. Everybody opened all thier gifts and

were hugging mom and thanking her. She was so happy that she could

give them something. All the gifts were opened, except; while

shopping for my siblings and their families I failed to buy myself a

gift. I wasn't thinking about it, I never buy myself gifts so it

was natural not too. I had gifts for my children and their father,

but not for myself. It didn't occur to me until they all were

opened and I had none. I wasn't upset or anything, I loved seeing

my mother so happy. Here's the thing that I was reminded of

earlier, not one of my siblings or their children noticed that I did

not have a gift. Everybody was eagerly opening the beautifully

wrapped packages, except me. They were so self absorbed with their

own greed that they could not see beyond it. So why do I have so

many feelings of guilt in regard to thier health. They are all much

much older then I and would have had problems by now if they had

what I have. But I still cant stop feeling guilty. I was reminded

of that Christmas because the person wanted me to know that my

siblins were not only nasty to me while settling our parents estate,

they were nasty to me my entire life and I should feel proud that I

had done the right thing all along. Even with the gifts. But I

cant shake these feelings of quilt, the odds of them having this is

very slim, but I dont really care about that, its their children

that pull at my heart strings. Most are all adults, I am pretty

much the only one with young children. I wouldn't want any one to

suffer as I had, and I wouldn't want my sisters to have a lap chole

with ductal problems I have. I just cant bare the thought of seeing

or speaking with any of them. My heart races, my hands shake, and I

cry just thinking about it. Can people give us post traumatic

stress? That is just one episode of how those people have hurt me,

there are many more. So why do I feel so guilty? Why does it bother

me so much? and Why cant I shake it out of me? I dont know, maybe I

need to see a shrink. Well it does feel good to get it into writing.

Thanks for letting me vent. Happy New Year.