Fw: [Fwd: Carlin Funnies]

[Guest guest]

Only Carlin could come up with these! Funny, funny, funny. Love, Judy [Fwd: Carlin Funnies]Number two is my favorite.1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.3. Atheism is a non prophet organization.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeysandapes?5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all thebadgirls live.6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's theself-helpsection?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.7. Could it be that all those trick-or- treaters wearing sheets are notgoing as ghosts but as mattresses?8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and thereisnowoman around to hear him, is he still wrong?10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, isitconsidered a hostage situation?11. Is there another word for synonym?12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"14. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone willclean them?17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right toremainsilent?20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?22. What was the best thing before sliced bread?23. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people.24. How is it possible to have a civil war?25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?26. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?31. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he becomedisoriented?

[Guest guest]

TO IDAHO JUDEE AND JUDITH OSTRY:

I don't know who comes up with the better jokes/stories. Are you one and the same? Twins? Anyway, no matter how rough the day can be, your emails put everything back into perspective and the world looks level again. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

[Fwd: Carlin Funnies]Number two is my favorite.1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.3. Atheism is a non prophet organization.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeysandapes?5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all thebadgirls live.6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's theself-helpsection?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.7. Could it be that all those trick-or- treaters wearing sheets are notgoing as ghosts but as mattresses?8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and thereisnowoman around to hear him, is he still wrong?10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, isitconsidered a hostage situation?11. Is there another word for synonym?12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"14. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone willclean them?17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right toremainsilent?20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?22. What was the best thing before sliced bread?23. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people.24. How is it possible to have a civil war?25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?26. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?31. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he becomedisoriented?DISCLAIMER!!WE ARE NOT MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, THEREFORE ANY INFORMATION THAT IS RECEIVED HERE IS FROM EXPERIENCE ONLY. PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING THAT IS SUGGESTED. WE ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR YOUR PHYSICIAN AND ARE NOT TRYING TO BE. REMEMBER EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT AND TREATMENT MAYBE DIFFERENT FOR MANY OF US. THANK YOU