Moms

[Guest guest]

POSITION: Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent

work in an often chaotic

environment. Candidates must possess excellent

communication and organizational skills and be willing

to work various hours, which will include evenings and

weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some

overnight travel required, including trips to

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless

sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses

not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily,

until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing

to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the

physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from

zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this

time, the screams from the backyard are not someone

just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating

technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,

mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must

screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate

production of multiple homework projects. Must have

ability to plan and organize social gatherings for

clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be

willing to be indispensable one minute, an

embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and

product safety testing of a half million cheap,

plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must

always hope for the best but be prepared for the

worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for

the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also

include floor maintenance and janitorial work

throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same

position for years, without complaining, constantly

retraining and updating your skills, so that those in

your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually

exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that

college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The

oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no

pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays

and no stock options are offered, job supplies

limitless opportunities for personal growth and free

hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the MOM's you know, in

appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,