Re: Personal Trainer Joke

[Guest guest]

I'm only to Wednesday and I'm laughing so hard I've got tears in my

eyes!!! I can re-LATE! ROTFLMAO!!!

Gloria Dean wrote:

>

> This came from my supervisor at work.....I don't know who she got

> it from, but I laughed so hard, I was crying!! By the way

> I cleaned it up just a bit! ;o) Hope y'all enjoy!

>

> Subject: Diary - Personal Trainer

>

> For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week

> of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still

> in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it

> would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and

> made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified

> himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing

> and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

> The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

>

> Monday:

> Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. (He

> is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling

> white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He

> took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that

> my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his

> Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he

> conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.) Bruce

> was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from

> holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC

> week!!

>

> Tuesday:

> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce

> made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air....then he put

> weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the

> full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!

> It's a whole new life for me.

>

> Wednesday:

> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter

> and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in

> both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I

> parked on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with

> me,insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His voice is a

> little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this

> nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on the

> treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why the h*** would anyone

> invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?)

> Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some

> other s*** too.

>

> Thursday:

> Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,

> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half

> an hour late, it took me that long to tie my f_____ shoes). Bruce took me to

> work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's

> room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing

> machine....which I sank.

>

> Friday:

> I hate that B****** Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other

> human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little

> cheerleader wanna-be B******). If there was a part of my body I could move

> without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work

> on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

> floor, don't hand me g** d*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a

> sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended

> and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi b******). The treadmill flung

> me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have

> been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

>

> Saturday:

> Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice

> wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to

> smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to

> use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the ****

> weather channel.

>

> Sunday:

> I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband

> (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root canal or

> a hysterectomy.

>

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[Guest guest]

Oh My! LOL...this is exactly what I feel like with the crap I am

doing!

Jai

>

> This came from my supervisor at work.....I don't know who she got

> it from, but I laughed so hard, I was crying!! By the way

> I cleaned it up just a bit! ;o) Hope y'all enjoy!

>

>

> Subject: Diary - Personal Trainer

>

> For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear)

purchased a week

> of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am

still

> in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I

decided it

> would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the

club and

> made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who

identified

> himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic

clothing

> and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started.

> The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

>

> Monday:

> Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it

was well

> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting

for me. (He

> is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling

> white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the

machines. He

> took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed

that

> my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in

his

> Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which

he

> conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very

inspiring.) Bruce

> was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from

> holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a

FANTASTIC

> week!!

>

> Tuesday:

> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce

> made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the

air....then he put

> weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I

made the

> full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel

GREAT!!

> It's a whole new life for me.

>

> Wednesday:

> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on

the counter

> and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in

> both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or

stop. I

> parked on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with

> me,insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His

voice is a

> little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he

gets this

> nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on

the

> treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why the h***

would anyone

> invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by

elevators?)

> Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said

some

> other s*** too.

>

> Thursday:

> Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin,

> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being

a half

> an hour late, it took me that long to tie my f_____ shoes). Bruce

took me to

> work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in

the men's

> room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the

rowing

> machine....which I sank.

>

> Friday:

> I hate that B****** Bruce more than any human being has ever hated

any other

> human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic

little

> cheerleader wanna-be B******). If there was a part of my body I

could move

> without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me

to work

> on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want

dents in the

> floor, don't hand me g** d*** barbells or anything that weighs more

than a

> sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you

attended

> and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi b******). The

treadmill flung

> me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why

couldn't it have

> been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

>

> Saturday:

> Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,

shrilly voice

> wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me

want to

> smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength

even to

> use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of

the ****

> weather channel.

>

> Sunday:

> I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go

and

> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year

my husband

> (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root

canal or

> a hysterectomy.