Ashcroft; a--holes & storm clouds

[Guest guest]

is the most wonderful person, she found the web page to

the state dept. I hit the upper corner where is says contact us and

wrote a lovely little note to ashcrot hopeing he gets well and

inviting him to our group, even sent him the address of the home

page. I would have posted the note but I dont know how. I sent it

to Heidi and Lily and if they know how to post it they can, I dont

mind.

Now yesterday, I was in so much pain, I called my hospital twice,

trying to get a resident, all I wanted to know is how much ultram I

can safely take. I know what it says on the bottle but the docs

have these little white books that says exactly how much per kg and

stuff. NOT one person called me back. I was so pissed and upset, I

really felt like just downing the whole damn bottle. I see the doc

today and thats good because I used a lot of my demerol on the trip

and have none left. Tried to keep a stash but had to use that too.

I just dont know why they would not call me back. I sent the doc an

email, it was obvious I was upset. Why wouldn't they call me back,

am I being blackballed or what??!! What a bunch of a--holes.

I am seriously depressed, which doesn't happen often, guess the

storm clouds must have swallowed me whole. Yesterday my son comes

home from school with this large box of food. His teachers had

cooked a meal for us. Lasagne, bread, cookies and cake (stuff I

cant eat but thats not the point) it was wonderful. But It only

made me feel more pathetic. Im the one who SENDS the food not

receives it. I'm the one who GIVES not the one who GETS. I'm the

one who prays for THEM, who treats THEM, who heals THEM, its nots

supposed to be the other way around. I feel like this big pathetic

looser. Dont get me wrong I do appreciate their kindness and it was

no small effort at all; and the food will feed us today as well, and

it is delicious. I just dont like having people feel sorry for me;

I wish I knew how to heal myself.

Ranting and raving feels good to get it off my chest, I do have an

appt today with my doc, so I better get my act together, wouldn't

want him to have to send me to a shrink.