Personal Trainer Joke

[Guest guest]

This came from my supervisor at work.....I don't know who she got

it from, but I laughed so hard, I was crying!! By the way

I cleaned it up just a bit! ;o) Hope y'all enjoy!

Subject: Diary - Personal Trainer

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week

of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still

in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it

would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and

made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified

himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing

and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. (He

is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling

white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He

took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that

my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his

Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he

conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.) Bruce

was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from

holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC

week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air....then he put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the

full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!

It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter

and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in

both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I

parked on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with

me,insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His voice is a

little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this

nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on the

treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why the h*** would anyone

invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?)

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some

other s*** too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,

cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half

an hour late, it took me that long to tie my f_____ shoes). Bruce took me to

work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's

room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing

machine....which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that B****** Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other

human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little

cheerleader wanna-be B******). If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work

on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me g** d*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended

and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi b******). The treadmill flung

me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have

been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to

smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to

use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the ****

weather channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband

(the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root canal or

a hysterectomy.