For all RP Exercisers

[Guest guest]

This is dedicated to all the RP exercisers who have committed to getting into a

regular workout routine. A must read.

Dear Diary... For Christmas this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week

of personal training at the local health club for me. Since I know I need to get

in shape I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call

Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for

athletic clothing and swimwear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to

get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling

white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took

my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. alarmed that my pulse was so fast,

but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I

enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after

my workout today. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was

already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to

be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he

put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the

full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a

whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on

the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or

stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with

me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. His voice is a

little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this

nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine

to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would

help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half

an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out

with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the locker room. He

sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which

I sank.

Friday: I hate that XXXX Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little cheerleader. If

there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat

him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the & *@*#$ barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I

landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone

softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to

smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use

the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter

chooses a gift for me that is fun- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Have a energetic week!

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