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[Guest guest]

This is dedicated to all RP exercisers who have committed to getting

into a regular workout routine. A must read.

Dear Diary... For Christmas this year, my daughter (the dear)

purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for

me. Since I know I need to get in shape I decided it would be a good

idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer

I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics

instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My daughter

seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged

me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found

it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce

waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair,

dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a

tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes

on the treadmill. alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute

it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed

watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class

after my workout today. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,

although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time

he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the

air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it

all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long

as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the

club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my

screams bothered the other club members. His voice is a little too

perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this

nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the

treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would

anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by

elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy

life. He said some other crap, too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth

exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I

couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie

my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not

looking, I ran and hid in the locker room. He sent Lars to find me,

then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that XXXX Bruce more than any human being has ever

hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,

little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to

work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want

dents in the floor, don't hand me the & *@*#$ barbells or anything

that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I

landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just

hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that

next year my daughter chooses a gift for me that is fun- like a root

canal or a hysterectomy.

Have a great week!