Santa Announcement - Direct From the North Pole

December 28, 2003

To Whom It May Concern:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the

States of Georgia, Alabama, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,

Mississippi, and Texas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current

population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies

and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer

breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your

children will be in good hands with your local replacement, which happens to be

my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He

shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there

are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He

has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: " These toys

insured by and Wesson. "

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC

cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a

pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of

reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,

and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear " On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen. " when Bubba Claus

arrives. Instead, you'll hear, " On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and

Petty. "

5. " Ho, Ho, Ho! " has been replaced by " Yee Haw! " And you also are likely to

hear Bubba's elves respond, " I her'd dat! "

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a

Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words " Back Off. "

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as " Miracle on 34th Street " and " It's

a Wonderful Life " will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,

you'll see " Boss Hogg Saves Christmas " and " Smokey and the Bandit IV " featuring

Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each

other and Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you; the wife,

and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the

tree.

Sincerely, Santa

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