Fw: Andy Rooneyisms

[Guest guest]

I KNEW there was a reason I liked Andy Rooney! Enjoy! Love, Judy FW: Andy RooneyismsThese were just too good to keep to myself. I like them all butespeciallyFabric Softener, Morning Differences, Cripes and Grandma. Have fun.Andy Rooney On PrisonsDid you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a fewprisoners into MY house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on thewindows.I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I thinkthey should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chairthat's hooked up to the generator.Andy Rooney On Ads In BillsHave you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail inthere with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when Imail itin. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this awayforme? Thank You."Andy Rooney On Fabric SoftenerMy wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. ThenI noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's howthey mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to getthat April fresh scent out of your clothes.Andy Rooney On Morning DifferencesMen and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused inthe morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. Andthe womenare thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It'sbecausewe can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nervesAndy Rooney On Phone-In-PollsYou know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." Itcosts 90cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know.""Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says IntoPhone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to standupfor what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls upphonesex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."Andy Rooney On CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. Theyusewords like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, JesusCripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly?' I'm not making fun ofit. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck?'Andy Rooney On GrandmaMy grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollarshe gave you for your birthday.Andy Rooney On Answering MachinesDid you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow.I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep.""Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive,your test results are back.UTI Corporation