Re: Why did I get so upset?

[Guest guest]

I have/had a friend who is extremely MO....and extremely sick due to it. She

just point blank told me that there is no way she would ever have the self

control that I have....and that she would never have the surgery, period. I

tried to explain to her how the surgery helps, and it isn't 100% self

control, although a certain part of it is. She feels she doesn't even have

that small bit to do this, and she would rather remain as she is, crippled,

diabetic, and just plain sick and dying. It hurts me to see it. She has

since pulled away from me. I never PUSHED her to do it...just gave her

information about it. Heaven forbid she did the surgery, and something went

wrong after I had pushed her into it. That is why I would never do that.

OTOH, it really makes me ill to think of what is going to become of her. I

know she will die soon. It's really way to sad for me to contemplate. Maybe

we actually pulled away from each other, while I just " thought " it was all

her. I do have this way of perceiving the inevitable, and then doing what I

can to avoid the emotions of the situation. I withdraw...so guess it is

partly me that has separated myself from her. Wow, writing this has given me

some insight. Sorry to drag you all through my adventures in self discovery.

LOL! But I think my friend/exfriend comes under the catagory that you

mention below.

Regards~

Jacque

Distal RNY, 5/30/00

Drs. Fox and Oh

310~126

Beginning BMI 50.0

Current BMI 20.3

> It took me a *long* time to come to this understanding, but there are MO

> people out there who, for whatever reason, aren't willing to make the

> changes we who have had WLS were willing to make. (I have a sister-in-law

> in

> this camp.) They are always ready with stories about people who gained all

> their weight back or had horrible complications, etc.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/16/2003 2:36:54 AM Eastern Standard Time,

jacquemil@... writes:

> it really makes me ill to think of what is going to become of her. I

> know she will die soon

This is why I compare our eating with alcohol and drug abuse. It is because

we too have to hit bottom. Unfortunately not all " abusers " get to hit bottom

before they die.

Fay Bayuk

**300/173

10/23/01

Dr.

Open RNY 150 cm

Click for My Profile

<A

HREF= " http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008 " >http:\

//obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=Bayuk951061008</A>

[Guest guest]

It does give insight....and for me also....I wouldn't mention surgery to

others either...as it all has it risks...and your are right... " WHAT IF "

something should go wrong....There is so much out there about weightloss

surgeries now...that most know the decisions that they must take...and yet it

is sad for others to see one in this condition...having to at one

time...being in their shoes...

I agree with you Jacque....

Joy....

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/15/2003 7:22:26 PM Eastern Standard Time,

vitalady@... writes:

> (my dad is very proud of us--and introduces

> me to everyone as The Vitalady--like that's gonna mean something! LOL!)

>

You'd be surprised at how famous you are.

Fay

[Guest guest]

I could ditto that entire speech. One friend who has pulled away, saying

I'm now a snob. I can't watch, etc.

Am I snob? Or am I just not the sniveling insecure girl I was in high

school? I am, but apparently she can't see it.

OK, I am except when certain topics float to the fore.

Thanks,

Vitalady, Inc. T

www.vitalady.com

If you are interested in PayPal, please click here:

https://www.paypal.com/affil/pal=orders%40vitalady.com

Re: Why did I get so upset?

> I have/had a friend who is extremely MO....and extremely sick due to it.

She

> just point blank told me that there is no way she would ever have the self

> control that I have....and that she would never have the surgery, period.

I

> tried to explain to her how the surgery helps, and it isn't 100% self

> control, although a certain part of it is. She feels she doesn't even

have

> that small bit to do this, and she would rather remain as she is,

crippled,

> diabetic, and just plain sick and dying. It hurts me to see it. She has

> since pulled away from me. I never PUSHED her to do it...just gave her

> information about it. Heaven forbid she did the surgery, and something

went

> wrong after I had pushed her into it. That is why I would never do that.

> OTOH, it really makes me ill to think of what is going to become of her.

I

> know she will die soon. It's really way to sad for me to contemplate.

Maybe

> we actually pulled away from each other, while I just " thought " it was all

> her. I do have this way of perceiving the inevitable, and then doing what

I

> can to avoid the emotions of the situation. I withdraw...so guess it is

> partly me that has separated myself from her. Wow, writing this has given

me

> some insight. Sorry to drag you all through my adventures in self

discovery.

> LOL! But I think my friend/exfriend comes under the catagory that you

> mention below.

>

> Regards~

> Jacque

> Distal RNY, 5/30/00

> Drs. Fox and Oh

> 310~126

> Beginning BMI 50.0

> Current BMI 20.3

> > It took me a *long* time to come to this understanding, but there are MO

> > people out there who, for whatever reason, aren't willing to make the

> > changes we who have had WLS were willing to make. (I have a

sister-in-law

> > in

> > this camp.) They are always ready with stories about people who gained

all

> > their weight back or had horrible complications, etc.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

But not here in Puyallup! LOL! And this hospital doesn't even do WLS.

Yet.

Gimme time. LOL!

Thanks,

Vitalady, Inc. T

www.vitalady.com

If you are interested in PayPal, please click here:

https://www.paypal.com/affil/pal=orders%40vitalady.com

Re: Re: Why did I get so upset?

In a message dated 5/15/2003 7:22:26 PM Eastern Standard Time,

vitalady@... writes:

(my dad is very proud of us--and introduces

me to everyone as The Vitalady--like that's gonna mean something! LOL!)

You'd be surprised at how famous you are.

Fay

[Guest guest]

Dear Jacque et al,

The thing to keep in mind here is that you do the best you can in these

situations and then you have to let it go. It's not always easy but it's

important for both parties to say what you believe and then move on.

Sometimes people just aren't ready to hear a particular 'truth' or they

aren't ready to hear it from a particular person who wants to say it.

Readiness is so important. I've had to learn as a counselor many times that

my 'advice' will often go unheeded regardless of how passionate and well

meaning I may be if the person isn't ready to hear it. Fortunately most

people are ready to hear these things by the time they come into treatment,

but not always. Our defense mechanisms against change are very powerful.

I'm reminded of the special status I'm sometimes accorded professionally

these days because I've had this surgery. And it's especially funny because

6 or 7 years ago when I was researching it they all thought I was nuts! Now

they seek me out. But many therapists will give the same or better advice to

their patients about aftercare as I will/do but my patients often say how

much more it means to them because they know I've been there.

I know in your friend's case you had that same 'edge' but she still wasn't

open to hearing you. It's hard to say why that might be the case but it's

not really unusual either. It hurts when you want to help so much and

can't. Believe me I know! But MAYBE, just maybe, she'll be a little more

open to the topic the next time she talks to someone about it. Lots of times

a stranger can reach us when those close to us can't and have pulled their

hair out trying.

Never underestimate the possibility that you brought her a little closer to

readiness for exploring the idea. And that is a good thing. It's got to be

her decision in the end.

Nice try!

Carol

Shrinkin' in Philly

Carol Signore, MAT, MS, LMFT

Private Practice: Ambler, PA

Clinical Memberships: 

   American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy

   Academy For Eating Disorders

Chairman AED Weight Loss Surgery SIG

Director: My Self Design

   A cognitive behavorial treatment program for Bariatric surgery patients

   see <A HREF= " www.myselfdesign.com " >www.myselfdesign.com</A>

>>I have/had a friend who is extremely MO....and extremely sick due to it.

She

> just point blank told me that there is no way she would ever have the self

> control that I have....and that she would never have the surgery, period.

I

> tried to explain to her how the surgery helps, and it isn't 100% self

> control, although a certain part of it is.  She feels she doesn't even

have

> that small bit to do this, and she would rather remain as she is,

crippled,

> diabetic, and just plain sick and dying.  It hurts me to see it.  She has

> since pulled away from me.  I never PUSHED her to do it...just gave her

> information about it.  Heaven forbid she did the surgery, and something

went

> wrong after I had pushed her into it.  That is why I would never do that.

> OTOH, it really makes me ill to think of what is going to become of her.

I

> know she will die soon.  It's really way to sad for me to contemplate.

Maybe

> we actually pulled away from each other, while I just " thought " it was all

> her.  I do have this way of perceiving the inevitable, and then doing what

I

> can to avoid the emotions of the situation.  I withdraw...so guess it is

> partly me that has separated myself from her.  Wow, writing this has given

me

> some insight.  Sorry to drag you all through my adventures in self

discovery.

>  LOL!   But I think my friend/exfriend comes under the catagory that you

> mention below.

>

> Regards~

> Jacque

[Guest guest]

Thanks Carol~

I couldn't agree more. I have let go...not sure if it is for healthy reasons

or just simple avoidance, think it's the latter. But whatever it is, I know

I can't invest any more of myself into this very ill individual. I remember

myself, hearing it for the first time, and being aghast at the idea. The

friend that suggested it to me, was thin, and never experienced MO before.

Even though I loved her dearly, and knew she was thinking of my mortality,

and how she didn't want to lose me, I felt a bit offended. Other

circumstances entered my life, and I began to do an earnest research project

into it. I am now going to live, and I'm so very sad to say that my good

friend passed away last December. Ends up, I lost her, not vice versa. But

I feel she did have a hand in moving me closer to making this decision. So

you are right, I can think of it that way with my other friend. Maybe what

she knows about me, and the things I told her, will come back to her before

it is too late, but I'm not going to stand on the sidelines and hold my

breath watching, it's just plain old too painful. Thanks for the pat on the

head, I needed that!

Regards~

Jacque

Distal RNY, 5/30/00

Drs. Fox and Oh

310~126

Beginning BMI 50.0

Current BMI 20.3

> Dear Jacque et al,

> The thing to keep in mind here is that you do the best you can in these

> situations and then you have to let it go. It's not always easy but it's

> important for both parties to say what you believe and then move on.

> Sometimes people just aren't ready to hear a particular 'truth' or they

> aren't ready to hear it from a particular person who wants to say it.

> Readiness is so important. I've had to learn as a counselor many times

> that

> my 'advice' will often go unheeded regardless of how passionate and well

> meaning I may be if the person isn't ready to hear it. Fortunately most

> people are ready to hear these things by the time they come into treatment,

>

> but not always. Our defense mechanisms against change are very powerful.

>

> I'm reminded of the special status I'm sometimes accorded professionally

> these days because I've had this surgery. And it's especially funny

> because

> 6 or 7 years ago when I was researching it they all thought I was nuts!

> Now

> they seek me out. But many therapists will give the same or better advice

> to

> their patients about aftercare as I will/do but my patients often say how

> much more it means to them because they know I've been there.

>

> I know in your friend's case you had that same 'edge' but she still wasn't

> open to hearing you. It's hard to say why that might be the case but it's

> not really unusual either. It hurts when you want to help so much and

> can't. Believe me I know! But MAYBE, just maybe, she'll be a little more

>

> open to the topic the next time she talks to someone about it. Lots of

> times

> a stranger can reach us when those close to us can't and have pulled their

> hair out trying.

>

> Never underestimate the possibility that you brought her a little closer to

>

> readiness for exploring the idea. And that is a good thing. It's got to

> be

> her decision in the end.

> Nice try!

>

> Carol

> Shrinkin' in Philly

>