This message is a bummer; beware.

August 13, 2009

oh dear Rose... all i can say is, i hope you can find peace with this. you know we are all here for you. But a lot of us feel the same , but are afraid to say it..

many hugs and lots of love.

August 13, 2009

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better.

The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending.

I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care.

There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone.

I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so.

RoseWindows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

OOOO my dear Rose I understand the Rage caused by the Sarc Monster and Prednisone. Heck I have have PTSD's from military service that I can not talk about. So I will say some extra prayers for you. Please know I understand and empathize with you. Heck I got the firing pins removed from my weapons, ammo removed from, and locked them all up twice. Just so it would take me half a day to load and use them. Just to give time to think about what I am doing. I even have a T-shirt to warn people off it says "Not the Veteran you want to mess with. *Trained to kill. *Has PTSD's" . Thought about getting one made for Prednisone Rage with a short fuse bomb and skull and cross bones for a background.... you interested??? Rose May the Lord comfort and guide you in this time of Strife , May His love and Gentle touch keep calm your rage. May you know that there are many out here who will say prayers for you. Not the least of me.

Greg aka Krumdawg

"My bite worse then my bark when on Prednisone"

From: Rose

Sent: Thursday, August 13, 2009 6:51 PM

To: neurosarcoidosis

Subject: This message is a bummer; beware.

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better. The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending. I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care. There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone. I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so. Rose

Windows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

Rose, I will keep you in my prayers. I have dealt with these same feelings with . Although I don't know exactly what you are feeling I can certainly surmise. I know how I feel when gets like this. Please take care of yourself and let the doctor know. There has to be something that can be done to help you through this and I don't mean more meds. Venting does help. I know that in the short time I have been a member of this group I feel better knowing that & I are not alone nor are we crazy. I wish you peace and hope that this gets better for you. MattFrom:

Rose Subject: This message is a bummer; beware.To: neurosarcoidosis Date: Thursday, August 13, 2009, 7:51 PM

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better.

The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for

years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending.

I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care.

There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone.

I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so.

RoseWindows Liveâ„¢: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

Rose,

Yep, it's a stage. Anger stage. Very Real. Very, very scary.

You are and always have been so strong and compentent and willing to take on not only your problems, our problems, your kids problems, your mom's problems, your nieces and nephews and grandkids problems. And you have to be exhausted. I don't know where you've found the strength all these years-- and you are running on empty.

I could have the anger party with you-- as can everyone else on the site. Yep, there are others worse off that we are. Yep, maybe we're being overdramatic. I personally don't think so. I think we do a disservice to ourself when we use "the grateful I've only got xxx" process on ourself. We have lost alot.

We did not choose to put our dreams and goals and careers on hold-- or give them up because we wanted to-- this isn't retirement after doing what we loved for many years. Our bodies have betrayed us-- and we're pissed.

Will driving into a tree change that, or is it going to literally add insult to injury. I think so. You could up end paralzyed and very much alive. All the generations your are care-taking would be devasted without you- and I include myself in that.

I know you don't want to hear that this will pass-- that if you look up, you'll see the sky. I know that you don't want that lecture on deep breathing, on graciousness, on loving yourself-- you want to be mad.

So be mad. YEP, BE MAD. MAD AT WHATEVER, WHOMEVER, WHEREEVER, THEN-- PULL UP THE BOOTSTRAPS AND GET ON WITH IT!

Damn, I hate it when I get permission to be mad-- takes the fun away from being mad-- so you can even be mad about that.

Just know that if you do something to physically harm yourself-- i"m coming through this computer screen and kicking your butt to Tuesday.

Love ya girlfriend,

Tracie

To: neurosarcoidosis Sent: Thursday, August 13, 2009 4:51:05 PMSubject: This message is a bummer; beware.

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better. The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this

earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending. I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he

puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care. There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone. I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so. Rose

Windows Liveâ„¢: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

Rose, I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. I think many of us feel that way sometimes

but do not want to admit it. It is awful tobe in that situation, I know.........but I also know

that you are a caring woman (my kids and hubby told me you came to see me twice while

I was in Methodist Hospital/and Rehab Center).........so I know that underneath all the bad

feelings, you are still the lovable, caring, Rose. You are very loved and admired by many,

so please do not feel that you are doing wrong by having these feelings. Anyone who has

sarc is entitled to have these feelings ..........we go through enough that we earn that right.

But just know that I love you and are praying for you and know you are a wonderful person.

((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

Darlene

NS Co-Owner/Moderator

This message is a bummer; beware.

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better. The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending. I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care. There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone. I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so. Rose

Windows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

Rose, I have been there. It is a very dark place to be. And you have to do it all by yourself so it's even rougher for you. I have a hubby who helps me out...though he also drives me crazy, too(aspergers). You need some 'me' time and next time you go to the doc 'emphasize' how you are feeling. I just cannot understand patients who cry out for help and docs poo-poo it. This has gone on too long not to do something about it. I will certainly pray! love and hugs S. 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and

a future. "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself" ( 16:24 NIV)."No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shameâ€¦.Show me Yourways, O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teachme, for You are God my Savior, and My hope is in You all day long."Psalm 25:3,4,5 NIV

Subject: This message is a bummer; beware.To: neurosarcoidosis Date: Thursday, August 13, 2009, 11:51 PM

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better. The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on

this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending. I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope

he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care. There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone. I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so. Rose

Windows Liveâ„¢: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

Rose,You are a brave wonderful person. I am sure at one time or another we have all felt like we are so angry and confused that we just want to give up.Always hold on. This disease is horrific but giving in is worse. Do you have a doctor that knows you and knows this disease? Medication/high doses of prednisone can send the best of us over the edge. What medication regime are you currently on? We are here for you and understand.hold on Rose, you are loved and cared forTo: Neurosarcoidosis Sent: Thursday, August 13, 2009 5:50:32 PMSubject: Re: This message is a bummer; beware.

Rose, I will keep you in my prayers. I have dealt with these same feelings with . Although I don't know exactly what you are feeling I can certainly surmise. I know how I feel when gets like this. Please take care of yourself and let the doctor know. There has to be something that can be done to help you through this and I don't mean more meds. Venting does help. I know that in the short time I have been a member of this group I feel better knowing that & I are not alone nor are we crazy. I wish you peace and hope that this gets better for you.

MattFrom:

Rose <mamadogrose@ hotmail.com>Subject: This message is a bummer; beware.To: neurosarcoidosis@ yahoogroups. comDate: Thursday, August 13, 2009, 7:51 PM

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better.

The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for

years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending.

I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care.

There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone.

I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so.

RoseWindows Liveâ„¢: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 13, 2009

Rose

I am another one who gives you permission to be angry. I get angry at all this too. It helps to spout off to others. They don't know what we go through with this monster. God had to know what he was doing to us. I believe your here to help everyone who has this crap. As only you can. You are wise beyond the limits. You are kind and patient when you read the pain of others. I do believe it is your turn to take the low road and harp to us. We will listen, we will care, we will cry and we will love and pray, all for you.

I once thought of taking care of business, then as I sat in my car with the radio going and the exhaust running in my window I heard a voice ask me "who will find you?" It would have been my daughter. Then I heard, who loves you in spite of everything, because of everything. I is God and he walks with me today. He lets me scream, cry and hit things when I need, He lets me smile, laugh and love when I need. He lets me be me.

So sweet Rose, go ahead and be angry, some say it doesn't help but it does. Just channel your anger and remember we are all here for you. I truly believe God is watching you and he holds your heart in his hand. Protecting and keeping you safe.

WE need you and when you need us we are here.

Take care and I pray for you too.

Jackie

I am usually very selfish about my beliefs, I don't say things to others. I keep my love for God to myself. I break that rule for you and my friends here in sarcville.. I hope I did not offend anyone. I am sorry if I did.

This message is a bummer; beware.

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better. The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending. I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care. There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone. I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so. Rose

Windows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

August 14, 2009

Rose, I am so, so sorry you are going through this, it is so hard to remember or think back sometime. I think memory loss sometimes isn't so bad, at least then we wouldn't remember who we were, what we could do, and what we looked like before the monster.

As to others being worse off then you, I know you have compassion for people, and you want them to be better; but it doesn't have anything to do with the pain you are waking up with everyday, and the fatigue, and the next freaky thing your body throws at you. It's you living that and it's awful, for you. I am praying and crying as I write this, I just can't seem to find the words to say what my heart is screaming. I am praying....hard.

I know the majority of us play the great pretender roles. Although I may believe that you have fooled people into believing that you are OK, I know good and well that you have never fooled anyone about the caring, compassionate person you are. (Baby-Catchers are a caring breed.) We are forced to pretend at times, for one thing, outside this group most people do not understand what is happening to us, and they run away from us if we say too much. It doesn't help that at times, we don't necessarily look as sick as we are. And I don't know about you, but if I quit laughing, I would never stop crying; and they really would run then.

Now I am really going to step over the line, I have never told anyone, but I also understand about the car thing. It just happens to be against my religion, and like you I just couldn't do it to the people I love, even though I believe I'm smart enough to get it done where they would never know. But I have to live by what I have taught my children since they were very small, "as long as you are breathing, things can get better", and no matter what, I know God is holding me; so I hang in. Please, Rose hang in, you are very loved not only by your family, but a bizarre group of sarc friends.

Be assured I will continue to pray, and thank you for always be so kind to me. You have helped me through more rough spots than you know with your compassion and your knowledge.....................connie

Subject: This message is a bummer; beware.To: neurosarcoidosis Date: Thursday, August 13, 2009, 7:51 PM

Please don't read this is you are having difficulty dealing with the emotional issues of sarc/chronic illness. I don't have anyone else I can really share this with, so even if no one reads it, I'll feel better. The past few months I've been increasingly irritable. I feel like a volcano, simmering with an occasional blast of ash or lava, but knowing that a catastrophic eruption is coming, just don't know when. I thought I had done a good job of accepting all the crap the Sarc Monster had thrown at me--hearing loss, brain fog, fatigue, neuropathic pain, lung problems, eye problems, etc. But lately I find myself in a constant state of rage. I want my life back. I want to be able to take walks, to go camping, to catch babies, to read a book, to take a shower without having to drag a shower chair in there. I know that many of you are much worse off than I am; in fact, that millions of people on this

earth are not only worse off medically, but don't have the resources that I have. But I just don't seem to care. I hope this is a stage I'm going through, and not the real me. I feel like I have fooled people for years, pretending to be nice & caring & thoughtful, when I'm really totally selfish & self-centered. My cat got out last night & I screamed at him that I hoped a truck ran over him. My grandkids didn't know what to think. I meant it & I still haven't felt bad about saying it, although I suppose I should tell the kids I didn't mean it, but I'm tired of faking & pretending. I've increased the frequency of counselling visits, but underneath it all is this monstrous rage. So what to do? Go back to faking, which I'm very good at, and just try to keep the lid on the volcano as long as I can? Tell my psychiatrist that I may very well be homicidal & hope he

puts me in the hospital? Run my car into a tree & hope I don't wake up? I had these suicidal kind of thoughts a year or so ago, but I always felt that I couldn't do that to my kids & grandkids. Guess what? Now I don't care. There's an old song from the Guess Who called She's Come Undone; it keeps running thru my mind. I think I'm very close to coming undone. I'm sorry that I don't have any wise, funny or helpful comments for anybody. That person will be back if I can get the lid on the volcano. Those who pray, please do so. Right now I'm feeling disgusted for sounding so dramatic, but I believe I'm being honest. I hope so. Rose

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August 14, 2009

amen tracie...connie

Subject: Re: This message is a bummer; beware.To: Neurosarcoidosis Date: Thursday, August 13, 2009, 9:15 PM