RE: Domestic Violence (long post)

[Guest guest]

Eileen,

I can not express my appreciation for you taking the time to tell me this

story as well as give me the information.

You are so right about everything you said. he is a control person and things

did start to go bad when I started getting on board about losing the weight

and actually doing it.

He said several times " You don't need this surgery, and you didn't discuss this

with me " . I guess he was on another planet when I told him and we talked about

how I might even be off insulin after this surgery.

I found out last night He is already advertising on Americansingles.com and

Matchmaker.com. He has been on there since April of this year and I started

this WLS process in late March of this year.

He is a strong willed, closed minded man who is very narrow minded who loves to

control people. His ex wife a nice lady was over weight for many years. After

their divorce she has managed to take off all the weight and looks great. If we

saw her I commented how great you/she looked and his comment was she must me

taking drugs!!! This struck me as insane but I brushed it off and didn't

comment. Along with other things he has done your letter brought them to the

surface.

Thank you, thank you. I have printed this out and placed it on my refrigerator

as a reminder of just how lucky I am and where this could have gone.

It is giving me strength to go on. I really appreciated your time and efforts

and hope that you know your sharing has helped me as well as others here.

Cherie Rivard

Bakersfield, CA

Surgery Date 8-2-04

Pacific Bariatric - San Diego, CA

" Guthrie,Eileen " wrote:

Cherie,

I was very sorry to hear about your traumatic few weeks. Keep your head

held high and carry on.

I may be able to help you understand why he freaked out. I worked for a

women's shelter for 5 years. Although I am not a counselor, I did learn a

lot about the human condition and why these things happen. Your soon to be

ex-husband has probably been manipulating you for a while because like most

of us, our self esteem is very low. I have seen it happen with friends and

co-workers and from working with abuse women and children. Here's a story.

I had a good friend when I was in my early 20's who was basically raped by a

boy she went to high school with and ended up getting pregnant. She never

reported the rape (unfortunately) and when she told her parents (extremely

lower middle class) they would not help her at all and told her she would

have to marry him. She argued with them and they kicked her out of the

house. She had no where to go so she did as her parents wanted her to do.

She married him. Beth had low self esteem since I'd known her and marrying

this guy took her self worth to a new low. He kicked her in the stomach

while she was 7 months pregnant and beat her through most of the pregnancy.

I wanted her to report him a number of times but she refused. She had a

healthy, happy baby boy and she remained with Ronnie for about a year and

half (he wasn't present when she gave birth, he wanted nothing to do with

her). He was a controlling, manipulating, physically and verbally abusive

alcoholic. He blamed her for all of the bad things that happened to him.

There was an incident after he had hit her a few days before this happened.

She didn't have any transportation (he hide the keys to their truck from her

so she couldn't leave in the middle of the night). This one day when all of

us were off (about 5 friends) decided to take Beth shopping. She wanted to

get a few things for her son. We went to her house to pick her up and

Ronnie went crazy. He forbid her going with us. He physically grabbed her

by the hair and dragged her back into the house while she was holding a

screaming baby. The five of us followed and I couldn't believe what I was

witnessing. While Beth was holding the baby, he repeatedly hit her across

the face (closed and opened palm) and kicked her while she was trying to

hold the baby without dropping him. Two of us got really mad. In my car

was a baseball bat and I ran outside and got it. I gave it to one of our

other friends while I grabbed Beth and the baby and moved them to a corner

in the room near the front door. One of the girls (very athletic) was very

angry now. I yelled for Beth to take the baby and herself and get in my car

and locked the doors. Ronnie got really angry and started to come after me.

Loraine gave me the bat back and I was shaking all over. But he backed

down. I told him, " your not so tough now are you Ronnie. " That pissed him

off more. Loraine grabbed a chair from the kitchen and as he was walking

towards me she tripped him. She put her foot on his chest and put the chair

on top of him and sat in it. She told me to grab some diapers, baby cloths

and some clothes for Beth. Loraine was a big girl, very tall and very

athletic, Ronnie was a small (about 5'4 " ), pathetic weight (130 lbs) 21 year

old alcoholic loser. I grabbed what I could and threw it into the trunk of

my car. Once I got everything in it, I turned the car over and beeped the

horn for Loraine. She came flying out of there and got into the car and I

took off. Ronnie came running out of the house but Loraine had taken the

keys to his truck and threw them into the woods so he couldn't follow us.

We ran to the township police station, explained what happened. The police

were not really interested in the story until Loraine demanded to see the

person incharge. We told the story again and he acted immediately. He sent

two cars to Beth's house and he was arrested immediately (he resisted

arrest). We didn't think we would see Ronnie again but when they brought

him in for questioning he started acting up again. The police chief was

very forceful. Ronnie wanted to swear out a warrant for what Loraine did to

him. As they took us into another room so that we all come calm down. I

just remember shaking uncontrollably for at least 2 days after this

happened. The whole story of what Beth went through over the last two years

came out. How each time they he forced her to have sex, his hand went

around her throat and he would choke her. Turned out that the day before

this happened, Ronnie had raped her and again that morning. The police

called in a rape counselor and she was brought to the hospital for a rape

test. She had his hand print on her throat (we didn't see this because she

had been wearing a turtleneck sweater). The hospital documented all her

bruises, black and blues, hand prints that were easily seen around her

throat, stomach and thighs. Long story short, Beth was taken to a women's

crisis center (her parents would not let her come home) and Ronnie was

convicted of first degree battery, assault, rape and a whole bunch of things

I don't remember. Beth stayed at the crisis center for a few days and then

eventually they moved her someplace permanently. We never saw her again.

Then about 10 years ago I saw her at the college I went to. At first I

didn't recognize her because she had been very heavy while she was married

to Ronnie and now she was a stick figure. She got her life in order and

thanked me for helping her get away from Ronnie. I learned so much from

that experience that when a job became available at the Women's Crisis

Center I took it.

Here's what is going on with your husband. First, know that he is

frustrated because he is unable to control you and/or the situation. Abuse

is all about control and power over others. Ronnie loved to intimidate her

and others. When he found out that he could not control us like he could

Beth, he became enraged. Your husband may have done it to try and

intimidate you from having the surgery. PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS STOP YOU.

Second, know that he probably is feeling insecure because when you lose your

weight, it will be one more thing he can't control. I don't know if your

husband was ever verbally abusive but Beth was verbally abused a lot and

with each remark he made the more she ate. The more she ate the less self

worth she had.

Third, he may be feeling as if you may abandon him when you lose all your

weight and could leave him for someone else. Note: He may be looking for

another person to control through the dating ads.

Now, I don't know about you but the counselors always told the victims of

violence if they were to remain at their home to change all the locks on

your house. The court may order him to return all keys but take my word on

this, they don't always.

If you'd like me to explain anything else you can email me privately.

Sorry this was so long.

Eileen

Domestic Violence

Hello Everyone,

Its been awhile since I posted here, though I have been reading all the

post. I am scheduled for surgery on August 2, 2004, in San Diego at Pacific

Bariatric. Which I am so happy about.

My husband served me with divorce papers on June15th while we both lay in

bed watching TV. I have been dealing with that the best I can under the

circumstances. On June 24th my husband came home in a rage and decided to

take things out on me. As I sat reading this groups posting he attached me

from behind and placed his forearm across my throat and was choking me. He

then threw me to the ground. I called 911 and was talking (screaming) to

the 911 operator to send help. he took the phone from me call me every

filthy name in the book and threw the computer keyboard at me. He was mad at

me because he said I didn't need this surgery and I moved his clothes out

of our bedroom into the spare where he was sleeping.

He pulled out all the computer wires and grabbed the computer unit and left

only to come back again and push me to the ground and hit my face. I call

911 again and they sent the police. He was arrested for domestic violence.

Since there was not any blood at the time they booked him on a misdemeanor.

He bailed out and I have been attempting to get a restraining order to

protect myself.

Here I am trying to get my mind set for this surgery and all this is going

on. I feel so lost and alone that you folks were the only people that I

felt I could turn to for support.

My world is turned upside down and I don't know what to do now.

I am only 22 days before my pre-op meting and 3 days later is surgery. I

know that I need and want this surgery asap. I have worked so hard to get

this approved and with all the other medical problems I have my health will

only get better by having the surgery.

I just feel lost right now and alone. I didn't mean for this to be so

long, but had to talk to someone.

Cherie Rivard

Surgery Date 8-2-04

Pacific Bariatric - San Diego, CA

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