TOO MUCH INFORMATION

[Guest guest]

This is another " poop story " from me like the one that I told after being

horribly constipated after being in the hospital for Kidney Stones one time,

and then practically birthing a baby to poop. This list was not privy to it

because I had not yet had my surgery, but suffice it to say that it was a

heckuva story... and a heckuvua poop. This story, though ABSOLUTELY goes

under the heading of " TOO MUCH INFORMATION " , so if you are feeling a bit

faint of heart, read no further.

Last night I stopped at Albertson's on my way home to get a few groceries.

I got the things that I needed, as well as a small bag of Jelly Belly Sugar

Free Jelly Beans. Now, I have no idea how familiar you are with some of the

artificial sweeteners that are out there (I think that most of us are

INTIMATELY familiar with these things)... but when eaten in too high a

quantity they can cause severe gastric upset, like horrible gas, cramping,

and diarrhea. I've never had too much trouble with this, especially when I

pay careful attention to portion size. Last night I did not pay careful

attention to portion size. There were two servings in the bag and I absent

mindedly ate the whole thing while chatting.

Enter husband Lars, about two hours later. Lars is feeling amorous. Lars

wants to have sex. Debbie does not disagree. Lars and Debbie have sex.

Good sex. Very active sex. Debbie mixes up the Jelly Bellies very well in

her intestines. Toward the end of sex Debbie feels a small cramp and says,

" Hmmmm.. wonder what THAT's about. " All in all though it was a pleasant and

fulfilling experience. Lars fell asleep shortly thereafter.

Within 15 minutes or so, the storm was rising in my belly and I started to

have really bad cramping. It was not relieved positionally and was high up.

It was miserable. I sat. I lay down. I sat on the toilet. I crouched.

NOTHING. I went back to bed. The intensity rose. Within an hour I was

miserable and in enough pain that I couldn't find a position. I remembered

that I had some simethicone downstairs. I went down and took two. By

this time I was bent over and couldn't stand straight. I couldn't breathe

normally, and I was praying for a quick death. Lars was still fast asleep,

bathing in the afterglow. This went on for two and a half hours. The pain

rose to such a fevered pitch that I was white as a ghost and sweating,

rocking back in forth in bed and crying.

ALL THAT I NEEDED TO DO WAS FART, BUT I COULDN'T. Then I realized that I

had not pooped yesterday, must be a little constipated, and the poop was

holding back the dam. I kid you not that I was shaking in pain, soaking wet

from sweat, and retching as if to vomit. My abdomen was hugely distended.

The pain that I get from kidney stones had nothing on this. Finally, at

almost 3AM, on my knees and rolling in bed (and I am not being prone to

hyperbole here), I woke Lars up. I was in so much pain that I couldn't talk

except to tell him that I needed him to wake up. I told him to get me a

muscle relaxer from the drawer, thinking that it would help ease some of the

cramping. While he was looking (and I was literally moaning in pain) I

rolled over in bed again.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhblissful relief. I felt a fart coming

on. I farted the longest, loudest farts that I have ever heard in my life

for an hour and a half. With each fart, the swelling in my belly went down,

and the air quality in the house did too. How do YOU spell relief?

As soon as I started farting I told Lars that he could go back to sleep.

Dumfounded and confused, he did.

Then came the poop.

Let's just say that it will be a long time before I ever have to poop again.

It will be an even longer time before I ever eat sugar free jelly bellies

again.

I still hurt today!

Deb