Francisco's Article - Pam Marsh's Transformation

[Guest guest]

I wanted to share what I sent to Francisco regarding his article. I

added a little more in this one and sorry for it being so long but I

just had to say the things that I said here. I hope that when you

are done reading it you will understand.

Francisco, I read your article honey and I must tell you that one

would know YOU after reading it. You did not say too much but just

enough. I know that you try and live a personal life because of

boundaries and that is fine and that is your right. You wrote well

and it gives people who are so against and negative about this

process some light to shine on their dullness.

I had my plastics and I am very pleased. I now know that life is not

just great but GRAND. I dine alone at lunch now (not because I have

to but because I desire this time) and I love it because I enjoy my

me time. I enjoy being able to think inward as well as out loud. I

enjoy my time to speak with God without interruption or to just read

a book. I am beginning to look at the small things in life. Like

over the weekend, I refilled my bird feeder which had been empty

because of the bad weather. This time instead of getting irritated

because there were so many birds in my back yard, I enjoyed it

because for the first time I noticed there was something very

different about each bird. For some it was the color. For some it

was the difference in the chirping sound they made, for some it was

their size, for some it was the length of time they spent in my yard,

for some it was the way they looked back at me in appreciation for

the food that was supplied and last but not least, it was the way the

baby birds went to my fish pound that I have (six gold fish. Its a 6

x 10 foot pound) and how they seemed to enjoy the water fall (the way

the rocks are stacked, it causes a water fall). It was beautiful. I

enjoyed my different assortment of flowers that my mother-in-law had

planted that I had previously got mad because she did not ask but

just did it. I got mad because it was my house and my yard and I

felt she should have asked if it was okay or what type of flowers I

liked. It was a control thing for me but the flowers are beautiful,

very exotic (my husband and family are Jamaican). I realize that I

don't have to control everything only those that are necessary (like

picking your battles. I did not get it then but now that I am no

longer a weight loss patient (was), I get it. She wanted me to enjoy

the beauty of the flowers because I do love flowers (any type). It

was her giving me love but in a different way and I just did not get

it. By the way, I have to add that we are very close (closer than my

own mother but I have since begun to fix that situation and it is 90%

fixed). I am finished with my external transformation and now the

inward transformation is taking on a new course. I am more kind to

people and someone said to me the other day " you are glowing, radiant

and what happened to that person that was so quick to get upset and

snap at people...its gone " and the mail man (works at my job who has

been so supportive) told me yesterday " you are beautiful and even

when you were heavier, you were pretty and beautiful but I really

mean you are beautiful " . I knew he meant it because I felt it and

not one time did he look at my body when he spoke those words but

directly into my eyes. He never once looked at my body and that

meant a lot to me. That's when you know it is true. I know he was

not flirting but it went a long way and guess what....I BELIEVED HIM.

I know that I look good, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful and all that and I

won't apologize for saying it because it is not to be conceded but

its truly how I feel about me now. I am enjoying my life and my

husband and I just can't really put it into words. I used to look

forward to or should I say long for people to acknowledge that I lost

weight and how I looked good but now, its not necessary, required or

desired because its in me and I know it. I am confident now and I

have been in meetings at work and normally would not speak but found

myself adding what my thoughts and concerns where and I even made

suggestions that were well received. I did not feel paniced or worry

if I would sound stupid or anything. I no longer feel paniced out in

public because I don't care if someone is looking at me...good for

them and I hope they like what they see (smile). I have since cut my

shoulder length hair off to a one inch Holly Berry style and people

loved it. It has since started to grow out of the style and is

getting longer. I now rotate and wear different wigs (not because I

have to but I just wanted to try something new) and I don't care that

one day I have arburn streaks in a wig that I wear and then tomorrow

one might have a little darker or lighter streaks because it is a new

wig. I am happy with it and getting creative. My life is truly not

mines any more and I have just given God full reign to do with it as

He pleases. People have died in the family recently. I neither

mentioned it as I felt it was not necessary. Their time was up but

for me at this phase in my life it mean something else. They are not

dead but just gone from this life and are truly free and I can't be

sad about it. I just simply thanked God for the time they had and

moved on and just begun to continue to enjoy life as we never know

when it is our time. Life is too short. My mother said that God has

really strengthened me because death was hard for me to deal with in

past times but with all that has changed in my life, my faith has

increased tremendously. I mean I have always had faith...rediculous

some call it but its truly optimum now. My relationship with my

mother is great now. I even told my mother that I adored, cherish

and honored her. Something I would have never done because we have

had some major issues and I just could not bring myself to say

anything to her except that I loved her. But I do more than just

love her and it is important that I let her know and I have. I feel

freed and I don't dwell on stuff that she has said or done that hurt

me in the past. I did it so she could be stop beating herself up

about the past and be free to. I did because I love her and I so she

will know that she is and has been for some time forgiven for being a

human. I could go on and on but I won't. Thanks for listening and

sorry this was so long.

Keep writing Francisco. Maybe when I get further out, my story will

be posted for you and others to read but until that happens, until my

inward transformation is complete, I will continue to grow and grow

and grow. I suppose that usually the transformation takes places on

the inside then out but it was not like that for me because the

outside weighed so heavy on me about how I felt on the inside and now

I am free...simply stated...ME.

Thanks for everything.

Hugs to you my friend and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Pam Marsh