Re: I lost my message--to Lilka

[Guest guest]

Lilka:

Thanks for your kind words. You know what? I lost a message

yesterday too. Yahoo is strange sometimes.

I just got back from my 18-mile run, and I feel great. Sure my legs

are a little tired (not sore), but otherwise, I can't believe how

wonderful I feel.

Eating between meals thing has always been an issue for me too. I

find that if I drink something warm like decaf coffee it helps take

the edge off, but I have to have planned snacks, otherwise I just get

too hungry, and for me, a planned snack is better than getting too

hungry and eating like gang busters.

Here's my eating schedule:

8:30 AM breakfast

11 AM snack

1 PM lunch

4 PM snack

6:30 - 7 PM dinner

10 PM snack

My snacks consist mostly of protein (1 - 2 oz) and often some dried

fruit (1 serving); my favorite snack is 2 tablespoons of peanut

butter (organic kind that is just roasted peanuts and salt) and 1/4 C

of raisins. I just love that flavor combination of salty and sweet,

chewy and smooth. Sometimes, however, my snack is something like

Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate (sugar free... wow is it yummy and

satisfying!)

I have really worked at getting the feelings disassociated with

food. Food is just food; it's not love, it's not peace, it not joy.

I MUST have love, peace and joy in my life to nourish my soul. I

seek out opportunities to cultivate those feelings so that I minimize

my temptation to use food to try to bring that into my life because,

as we all know, that is a recipe for an unhealthy life in so many

ways.

For example, at work, EVERY celebration revolves around food.

Yesterday there was a baby shower for a woman, and they wanted

everyone (who wanted to participate) to chip in $6 for food. Well, I

said, " What if I'm not going to eat? " The b*tch--a former friend who

is morbidly obese, who betrayed me, and how has gained 50 lbs since I

love 153 lbs--who was organizing the whole thing said that anyone who

didn't want to chip in was free not to participate. So I didn't.

And I felt great about my decision. Participation would have meant

that I would have given in to doing something that I didn't want to

do--be around people stuffing their faces.

Instead, I chose to stay a my desk and frame a picture of my

boyfriend, Dave. Seeing his picture filled me with more joy than

that baby shower. And now that I've got more confidence in me, I

don't care what anyone thinks about me not attending. THAT is a

change, a huge change in me: I don't care about people liking me,

but they damn well better respect me. And I demand that respect.

I've worked at " training " my co-workers about how I expect to be

treated. If someone does something rude to me, I point it out right

way (not in a mean spirited way), but I don't hold that crap in. I

deal with is constructivly so that it doesn't fester in me and make

me want to eat. It's necessary for me to say, " Excuse me, but what

you did offended me, and I wish you wouldn't do it again. "

When you matter-of-factly point out that kind of stuff, people are

shocked at first, but they rarely if ever do it again because they

don't like it being pointed out. For example, one woman in my office

(just after I reached my goal) grabbed my ass and said, " It's looks

like you've got no more ass, but now it's just smaller, and it's like

buns of steel. " Before, I wouldn't have said anything, but I stopped

her right away, and I said, " Margo, I don't think you mean to offend

me by doing what you did, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable to

have a co-worker touch me like that. " She said, " It doesn't mean

anything, and you're gay. " I said, " Well, I don't like it, and

you're not a man I'm dating, so please don't do it again. "

She apologized, and I could tell she was mortified. She's never done

it again, and she's such a blabber mouth that she told people about

it, and I've gained this reputation (through this and other

situations) as someone who doesn't take shit from anyone. And me,

the guy who used to be such a people pleaser/door mat. I've heard

people whisper about me, " Don't ask him about his weight. He doesn't

like to talk about it. " The person who said that got the shock of

her life when she asked me my waist size and my weight (she's huge by

the way). I said to her, in front of five other co-workers, " My

weight and my body are NOT the topic of conversation, unless everyone

here wants to reveal their waist size and weight. " And then I went

around the room and asked each person to reveal their weight and

waist size. Everyone was in stunned silence. I made my point. And

then I said to her, " Please don't ask me to reveal such personal

information. "

It's amazing, but taking this kind of power back strengthens my

resolve to do what's right for me food-wise. I set boundaries and

stick up for myself, so I don't feel like crap and then try to use

food to deal with hurt feelings.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the way I carry

myself, the way I operate in the world directly affects how I eat.

When I treat myself like I'm worthy of respect, I also respect myself

and feed my body they way it deserves to be fed.

I used to want people to like me so much. Now, I couldn't care

less. I care about my friends and family having a high opinion of

me. Co-workers are just that, people who don't matter to me in a

personal way. Therefore, their catty opinions no longer hold power

over me. If they are not worthy of my respect, why would I give a

crap what they think of me? Being respected by co-workers is far

more powerful and empowering than having people like me. And I must

admit, it's nice to have people be on guard around me.

It's amazing how easy it was, but I was very nervous about it at

first. I rehearsed so many scenarios in my head to prepare myself

for my change in behavior towards co-workers. The day I returned

from my time off after my surgery, I began to practice operating in a

way that protected my privacy and set the boundaries. People

responded to that. It's amazing how easily it is to take the upper

hand when you are perceived as more attractive and in control--and

that's exactly how they see me: someone who conquered his demons

around food. And therefore, I must have some magical wisdom or

secret knowledge.

And I do. The magical wisdom and secret knowledge is that I now know

that I, like everyone else, am worthy of common decency and respect.

I act like I should get it, and so they give it without question.

OK, I'll step off the soap box.

Francisco

>

> I am trying to find the long message I wrote, mostly to Francisco.

I

> will try to find it and send it. Sometimes my messages get lost

here

> but this time I made a copy. Nope. It is lost. Too bad. It was

deep.

> O well.

> I will try to recreate it. I liked that list you made, Francisco of

> all the wonderful things that you have found since you had the

> surgery. I was thinking about my own list but the most important

> thing on my list, of course, besides the no more pills is that my

> hip stopped hurting and I can walk again. Yesterday, I told my step

> mother that I was 10 years younger now. How much better is that? I

> expect to take off another five years as the months go by. This is

> just miraculous.

> I also mentioned something about my process here. I find that

I

> want to nibble at certain times. I especially want to nibble when I

> come in from outside. I want a cherry tomato, a thin slice of

> cheese, a cracker. It is not a lot right now but my doctor told me

> that eating in between meals is absolutely not OK because that is

> how people gain weight. I tried to do it with discipline and it

> works to some degree but then Gity told me to see this nibbling as

a

> part of me that needs to be recognized and understood if I am to

> eliminate it for good. I have gained a great incite into it as I

> used to come home from school at 13 and buy candy and popcorn and

> eat it in my room by myself. I was so miserable that year. That is

> when when I began to comfort myself with food. I want to nibble

late

> at night, too. Lonliness? There seems to be a part of me that wants

> to feel bad about myself. These behaviors make me feel guilty and

> shameful. Then I need to hide. That leads to worse behaviors. In

any

> case, there are other

> things I can do when I come into the house, like thumb through the

> mail or catalogs or mags. But at night, I have to order myself out

> of the room and I have not found a substitute for my needs yet.

> I love to dance too. I used to square dance but I love all kinds

> of dancing. I have joined Curves to strengthen myself first. Then I

> will dance again. That will be a milestone in my life, when I can

> dance again. Love to you and to all the wonderful people on this

> board. Lilka

>