Weight Demons

June 16, 2003

I just woke up from a nightmare. Could not go back to sleep. I have

been so successful. I have exceeded even my doctor's expectations

for me. But last night I was being outright stupid. Before bed I was

doing the kinds of things I used to do before the surgery. I actauly

raided the fridge and ate in the course of watching a movie what

amounts to todays breakfast and lunch.

OK OK, so if that was before the surgery, what I ate would amount to

a snack and little else.

I have lost 329 lbs so far and only 39 more lbs to go till goal. No

that's not a misprint. 329 lbs lost in only 16 mnths. I have my

consult for a TT this week. I have been waiting months and months

for that.

Unresolved issues, especialy ones that I have no control over drive

me nuts. I realize now that I am just stressing out over several

unresolved issues. Some that I have no control over. Some grudges

that I need to drop. Guilty feelings over how I treat my wife. Our

marrige was on the rocks before the WLS. It teaterd near total

failure in the months after. Both things I have done and she has

done.

Saturday we celebrated on 11th anniversary. But I was feeling like I

stayed with her more out of friendship and convenience and loyalty

rather than love. But she does love me. And I know that deep down I

love her.

Being close to goal has brought new temptaions to me, and not just

food temptations. I just feel out of control right now. I hate being

out of control.

OK I will be painfully honnest with all of you. My wife has been

unfaithful to me in the past. Not just with men but wemon too. After

the surgery and a couple of hundred pounds I had an affair myself.

That's over, my wife and I have worked through it. Yes she caught

me. But all that is water under the bridge.

But I am just having issues with myself, always wanting more than I

have. Never being satisfied with what I do have. Perhaps I am just

now understanding what drove me to almost 600lbs. Trying to fill

something that's empty. Something I can't even define.

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