baron speaketh: Weight Demons

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In a message dated 6/16/2003 6:37:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, ng5y@...

writes:

> But I am just having issues with myself, always wanting more than I

> have. Never being satisfied with what I do have. Perhaps I am just

> now understanding what drove me to almost 600lbs. Trying to fill

> something that's empty. Something I can't even define.

>

Happy Monday Friends:

wrote post and I have to say " what a way to start my morning " .

It read like a runaway emotional locomotive, barrelling down the tracks, and I

found myself glued to my screen. In fact, the honesty was so deep that at

one point I actually started thinking that someone was goofing around in their

posting. Then I started remembering some of the things I felt and shared, felt

and did not fully know I was feeling things I am finding out now.

This WLS for some of us is a major, major turn around that seems to

get newer and newer the farther out we go. On the weight level I am certain

, that you have having been getting accolades, attention,

questions....etc..etc...that you might not have even anticipated; especially

since you have

exceeded that which the doctor prepared you to " possibly get to. " Your

insights,

or beginning of them regarding grudges and behavior is admirable.

Acknowledging the possibility of " issues " in your life is paramount to long term

success; something once again I have hopefully found out the hard

way........though

I am certain things will arise.

Over 5 years out and I feel like a " newbie " again, minus the physical

fears, the dumping and much of the actual eating limitations. Last night for

Father's Day I ordered and ate " shrimp on the barbie salad; " a bowl of salad

with shrimp on it. I removed the croutons and had the dressing on the side and

pretty much ate the entire salad. This was not a possibly early on and I do

not know if it is a reality for many people long term post op. I went to the

gym in the morning, a few support meetings (I attend OA and AA ) and had a

protein only breakfast. My " fall from grace, " weightwise, was the last thing to

fully go; and when it went, true to my compulsive nature it went with a

vengeance. Why.....so of it is unimportant, some of it was not dealing fully

with

the " nature of the beast " and much of it was my way of adapting to the radical

changes in a 400 pound weight loss and all the reconstructive surgeries.

Does this happen to everyone?? I doubt it; though many of us do fall from

those

pink clouds several times. That is how we got to the operating tables in the

first place, whether we admit it or not.

I am fighting with throwing my scale away right now; I thought it

would be easy to do than it is. My belief, was and still is that " if you live

by the numbers, you die by the numbers. " Ever since I turned my food around I

have definitely been keeping a keen eye on those numbers. Yep; they are

dropping fast but as alluded so personally, they are outer manifestations

to

innner issues and his gut level, shared assessment was just what I needed to

start my day/week on an honest, emotional and physical level. While obesitiy

soon becomes the all encompassing problem and issue in itself when we are in

the major grips of it, for some of it there is much we have to address, find out

about and change within ourselves. That aspect described of " never

being satisfied with what I do have " hit so deep that it was both almost painful

and liberating to read and acknowledge; so it might be addressed and

changed. Since putting down the alcohol 21 months ago, which I picked up in my

newfound svelteness, I have definitely dealt with personality defects and done

much changing. Apparently, it was not quite enough in that my liberated,

moderate eating and epic exercise program, regressed and progressed

respectively.

The result....a 40 pound weight gain. I want to share that if you gain weight

after reconstructive surgery it is not symmetrical and goes on in ways that it

never did before. Wherever there has been scar tissue, weight will not go on,

so in my case I am bottom heavy and could definitely use a breast reduction.

My arms (batwings ) are also noticably fuller. I can only hope that my

weight loss will be in the areas I gained it.

Oh well......caffeined out a bit I will halt; only to end by saying

what I wrote in a song: " It's so baffling and confusing when it's food that

you're abusing " ...

Thank you for you candor and for all of you being out there.

Regards....baron

RnY.......4/98.................535lbs (high 600)

Current...........................226lbs and dropping