Just Thinking Outloud

[Guest guest]

I'm in a weird mood tonight. I'm planning my mode of

attack when I see my PCP on Thursday, knowing how

important it is to have him on my side while fighting

the Marin IPA and Pacificare so I can have the DS.

This fight is going to be one of the most important

fights I'll ever have because, if successful, I'll

have the chance at a new life.

Earlier tonight, I was brushing my teeth and looked

into the mirror. I saw my bloated, fat face and

wondered what I'll look like when thinner. What does

my face look like? How many times have we heard, " You

have such a lovely face " ? Well, I don't know if I do

have one because I've been overweight most of the past

20 years.

And I wonder what it'll be like to be standing and

look down and actually SEE my privates and upper legs.

It would be so nice, too, to not have those horrible

sores in the folds of my stomach. No sweating there

either. Just to be able to lift my leg a few inches

and not hit my knee on my floppy stomach -what's that

like?

I want to look at my Mom and not see the pain in her

eyes when she looks at me. She's getting up there in

years and I want her to see me thin, to know I'm okay.

I know she worries.

God, I want to walk more than a few feet without

making breathing sounds like I just ran a marathon. I

don't want to have to worry about being ill and being

embarassed that it would take several people to lift

me up if I needed to be moved. I want to be able to

get out of bed without a struggle. I want to throw my

CPAP mask out the window!

I want to be able to walk past children and their

parents and not hear comments from the kids, such as,

" Is that lady having a baby? "

I'm willing to do so much to have the surgery. I'm

willing to put myself at risk of panic attacks when

going to the meetings and to the hospital. I'm

willing to pay the extra fees that Dr Rabkin charges.

I'm willing to chance the risk of the surgery itself.

I'm willing to stop smoking before the surgery. I'm

willing to live a lifetime of vitamins and eating the

right foods. I'd give up the diet sodas too! I'd

even welcome the batwings, super-hanging stomach and

breasts, etc. (Remind me I said this later, ok?!!)

My insurance company has paid for a nutritionist,

phen-fen, high blood pressure pills, gall bladder

removal, two sleep studies and one CPAP machine plus

regular replacing of the equipment, etc. The company

will even pay for the RNY. Why won't they give me the

DS surgery?

OK, I'll get off my pitypot now. Thanks again for

letting me vent. I really feel at home with you -

are all so supportive.

=====

Dee

Waiting for Ins. Co. Approval

313/Want to be 165

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