Re: fear of intimacy

October 15, 2001

This topic really struck a cord, while as I really really really look

forward to breaking down this wall of fat that surrounds me, I also

know I'm going to have to deal with the attention that will start to

come my way again.

The main thought that keeps me positive on this topic is that I'm far

better equipped to handle attention from the opposite sex now that

I'm in my (cough) late 30s. In my 20s, that's when I really head-

tripped. But, just to be sure, I will get some counselling as my

body changes.

Looking forward to a) being switched and breaking down the walls

fat and living with gusto again!

Amy

Pre-op w/ Dr. Rabkin

5'11 " BMI 49

> Remember, that fat issues often include a fear of intimacy--

and

> the fat acts as an insulator which keeps other folks at a

distance.

**snip**

October 15, 2001

.. Live

> dangerously-- risk having some emotions WITH other folks.

> Nan E.

> 5'2 " , 368

>

> Amen!

>

> Nan, well said! I felt as though you were speaking to me...

>

> Lydia

Thanks, Lydia-- I need to remind myself of this frequently!!

Nan

October 15, 2001

Lisbeth,

You got it - I'll keep you filled in. I'm not sure that I fear

intimacy as I did when I was younger, nor do I fear rejection or

hurt...I think it's going to be a new evolution and learning

experience keeping all of this in mind.

I've embraced the " BBW " experience, dated men who prefer larger woman

(and there are as many freaks in that arena as there are in

the " normal " dating community). I think I'm just ready to take this

shell off and do those things I've held myself back from.

Love and intimacy will come - of this I am certain. But so too shall

the trips to Europe (in one seat without an extender), cute clothes,

movie seats that my butt will fit in, and an overall sense of health

and well-being.

Not to mention my plan to take tap dance lessons again (as I really

loved to dance as a child)!

Look out world - look out I say - HERE COMES AMY!!!!

(grin)

A.

>

> When I read your post I felt like you had crawled into my head. I

am a bit younger than you but I am hoping that after surgery you can

share with me how you are coping with the intimacy issues

> Lisbeth

>

October 15, 2001

Hugs to you Lisbeth!

> >

> > When I read your post I felt like you had crawled into my head. I

> am a bit younger than you but I am hoping that after surgery you

can

> share with me how you are coping with the intimacy issues

> > Lisbeth

> >

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

--

>

October 16, 2001

AJ,

Are we the night owls here? :-)

You have come so far - and I'm very proud of your progress (even

though I mostly lurk and am just now starting to post, I've watched

you since I learned about DS, just days before you left on your

journey to be switched) - so BRAVO I say to you!

On to relationships...I think what I've learned in my fat years, by

trial and error and by observing those around me with healthy

relationships is (and not pointing to your relationship per se):

1) Listen to your instinct and " Run Forest Run " if the relationship

feels weird (ie your partner is making you feel like you're

compromising who you are to be in it). If I can't be exactly who I

am in a relationship, I don't need it.

2) Communicate, communicate, communicate.

3) Know that you deserve to be happy, loved and paid attention to in

a way that makes you happy. Hard pill to swallow for those of us who

are the nurturers or caretakers...we can dish out the care, but

aren't that good at receiving it in return.

And to you AJ...in time, you'll grab his hand (grin). Sounds like

you've met a very nice man...and my wish for you is that your

relationship evolves to what you're happy with.

Hugs,

Amy

> In a message dated 10/15/01 3:23:04 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

> aimtall@y... writes:

>

> << know I'm going to have to deal with the attention that will

start to

> come my way again.

> >>

> Its so hard! I have a new boyfriend who is the best guy I've ever

met. He

> is considerate, my family and friends ALL love him and I want this

to go

> somewhere as we get to know each other more and more...but I'm

finding that

> after hiding for so long, I'm very hesitate with him. I used to be

a touchy

> feely person, which he is, and I find that I am afraid to just grab

his hand

> when we're walking, something he does to me all the time! I guess

now that

> I'm getting my life back I need to start addressing the rest of

this stuff!!!

>

> AJ

October 16, 2001

I really can get into this issue! I've had a serious fear of

commitment for way too long. One thing I'm grateful for now (but

really pissed me off then) was having to get the psych consult. Due

to the bigoted doc I saw at first I flunked the consult. He said I

was too emotionally fragile to withstand the pain of surgery. The

therapist who did my second opinion disagreed. I'd already decided to

get some pre- and post-op counselling due to the statistics on the

effects of any WLS and interpersonal relationships. I am so thankful

I found a good counsellor who has previous experience with WLS

patients. She's helping me deal with the issues I've put off for so

many years. It's difficult, but I know I'll soon be able to maintain

a healthy, committed relationship.

P

> Subject: Subject: Obesity

> Nan said...

>

> " Come in out of the rain, silly, and risk that

> your fellow e-mail listers just can't wait to give you a big ol'

jiggly

> hug of acceptance and camaraderie.

> Remember, that fat issues often include a fear of intimacy--

and

> the fat acts as an insulator which keeps other folks at a

distance. This

> is one issue you can face now instead of waiting for it to

completely

> whap you upside the head 75 pounds from now. Over coming this is no

> harder than quitting smoking or getting on an airplane after 9/11,

things

> lots of folks on this list are doing even as we speak. Live