Re: fear of intimacy

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In a message dated 10/15/01 9:32:32 PM, duodenalswitch writes:

<< This topic really struck a cord, while as I really really really look

forward to breaking down this wall of fat that surrounds me, I also

know I'm going to have to deal with the attention that will start to

come my way again.

>>

Amy: This is such an interesting topic! I was kind of the opposite --- I

definately let fat be an insulator of sorts for me -- to 'weed out' people

(men in particular) who were superficial and wouldn't want someone so

overweight but not because of fear of intimacy -- I was afraid that I would

be TOO open and intimate without proper 'defenses'. I wanted to be seen for

my 'inside': My mind, heart and soul (who doesn't, right?) and I figured

that this insulation would kind of 'protect me' from men who were only

interested in me physically and/or attracted to me mainly due to physical

factors.

It's not that I'm knockdown gorgeous (I'm attractive/pretty but I don't

think I'm Ms. America material) but I've always had the attention of men in

my younger years (I hope that will be true in my mid-late 30's and beyond!

LOL). I must have some phermone or something that I give off! It wasn't

just the guys being attracted to me but most of all my fear that I COULDN'T

make correct decisions in regards to romantic matters due to my extreme

emotional neediness and extreme emotional openness. So, if I had this big

barrier (no pun intended), that would kind of do most of the sorting out for

me so I could be open, intimate and loving with the people who stayed

regardless.

So, I guess I found the fat comforting in that it provided an instant barrier

that I felt I couldn't emotionally provide. It certainly prevented me from

getting into intimate situations (not only physically but mentally) with men

who wouldn't have been right for me. However, it also limited my choices and

made me much less secure when I was in a relationship. By this, I mean that

I was more apt to continue in a relationship that wasn't a loving partnership

because I wanted the closeness so badly and I thought I could just 'love' all

the problems away or at least love would make that person see that I was

worth fighting for... I let men take advantage of me emotionally because I

wasn't demanding the respect I deserved. I would confront and address issues

then back down when the man showed they weren't willing to deal with the

issues. I'd issue ultimatums but if they were ignored, I'd just let them

fade, becoming increasingly frustrated and angry at not being heard or my

thoughts/feelings validated.

Now, I MUST deal with the origins of my emotional neediness and fears of

being 'alone'. This is what has driven me my entire life and it hasn't

resulted in positive situations overall in relationships. I've got to read

the clues that people provide initially instead of ignoring them at my peril.

I must really listen to what people are telling me instead of downplaying

what is said if it don't fit into my concept of the 'ideal relationship' I'm

so eager to build. If that person isn't 'up for the task', then peace be

with them but I must move on! I must truly be strong and assertive based

on inner confidence, not being outwardly strong and inwardly being very

insecure. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to accomplish this -- but I think

I've taken the biggest step of all in realizing it!

all the best,

lap ds with gallbladder removal

January 25, 2001

Dr. Gagner/Mt. Sinai/NYC

almost 9 months post-op and still feelin' fabu!

preop: 307 lbs/bmi 45

now: 213 lbs