To Robin

[Guest guest]

Dearest Robin,

I understand all too well what you're feeling. I am one of those

that doesn't work, & you honestly don't offend me & I don't take what

you said personally. I know how hard it is to work with this

illness. I tried to keep my working, & the last 2 years of working, I

was almost always running a fever, carrying a bag around with me to

puke in, & popping Advil to try to help the pain. I worked hard to

get my RN. I went ot school while working as a dental assistant, &

my boys were both toddlers. Giving up what I worked so hard for was

one of the hardest things I've ever done. I may not have burned out

so easily in nursing if I hadn't been so sick. I got angry when co-

worker mentioned her raise. I had been there for a year longer than

her & didn't get a raise. It was insulting to me. I also felt like

I was being treated like " I have no more

brains than a box of rocks. "

Robin, I want so much to be able to give you some magic cure, or a

magic way of dealing with this. This disease does take a lot away

from us. But something I keep reminding myself of is that I have so

much that this desease can't take away. The stress of working, & the

stress of working with people that CAN'T understand how we feel (even

if they try to) makes things so much harder to deal with.

I think you have every reason to feel angry. There would be

something not quite right if you weren't angry. Sometimes, you just

can't talk positively, to yourself or anyone else. I'm glad you have

a counselor, & that you vent to us here. I know that when I finally

swallowed my pride, & also gave in to the fact that I have CP & quit

working, a load was taken off my shoulders. I was 38 years old &

moved in with my parents. How pitiful is that?! But for me, that

was the best thing I could've done. It made me see that there's

more to life than my sucsess & my work. I don't like being on

disability & haveing no money, but my health is so much better.

That's how it is for me. I'm not suggesting you quit working. What

I am saying is that I really do understand what you're feeling. And

I'm suggesting that I don't doubt you have many talents, & regardless

of the limitations from this disease, you can use those talents.

I've tried suicide twice, & am now grateful that someone found me.

There's so much to live for, in spite of CP. Life is definately more

of a " challenge " but there's still joy in living.

I don't know if this helps, but if nothing else, know that I

understand. And I'll be praying for you

Warm hugs,

Deanna Tubb

New Mexcio PAI Rep